literally shaking from anger, remembered depression and frustration right now.

I promised myself that I would let the issue of me being gay just lay for now because, clearly, my mom was not ready to deal with it, but I just wrote her an incredibly mean...well maybe just cruelly realistic email and sent it without thinking.

She was busy telling me that all kids are bullied and there shouldn't be special groups (i.e. The Trevor Project) just for kids that are gay. We've had this argument before when I was still closeted, but now that I'm not I ended up sending her this because it pissed me off so much.

Probably shouldn't have been so cruel, but this is a hot button issue for me as I nearly committed suicide in high school and, of course, she doesn't know about that.

I actually am still shaking right now and I can't seem to stop. I'm going to be miserable all night and I have to work tomorrow and I know that, like every other time when something brings up these memories, I'll have nightmares all night. I am really not looking forward to a night full of the menacing specters of my own attempt at ending my life in glorious techinicolor and 5.1 stereo sound...my imagination paints vivid dreams.

God, I'm just so completely screwed up right now. Not really sure what I need to hear, but I hope someone has something...

 

I don't blame you. I don't often swear at my parents, but when they ignore what I'm saying or try to act like I'm the same as everyone else it gets on my nerves. When you swear when talking to your parents, it tends to put more emphasis one what you are saying, and perhaps helps them to realize how important something is to you.
I almost commited suicide as well, and sometimes I fall into depression again, but I know my mother likes to ignore the fact that I'm gay. You have the right to be outspoken if people ignore who you are, especially if it's one of the people who should ALWAYS treasure you for who you are no matter what. It doesn't really sound mean as much as blunt. If your mother is angry from that, she is insane and you should tell her that. No parent should ever get angry with their child from an argument/discussion like that.

 

First, (*hug*)

Second, I don't think what you said was particularly cruel. You are perfectly within your right to be angry about what your mother said. And you made your point clearly.

It's really hard to brush that stuff off when it's so close to your own heart and life experiences. A lot of people here on EC know that well, and you're in the right place to talk about it. So, get it all out and blow off some steam before trying to relax and get some real rest.

I know this isn't particularly helpful as far as advice goes, but I guess I'm just trying to say, chin up. This is hard but you're not alone. (*hug*)

 

I just feel like maybe I'm slapping her with reality a bit too much, but at this point...on a topic like that, she should be expecting it.

I have always dealt with depression because I'm bi-polar, untreated as well because I can't afford the medicine..:eusa_doh: So that just makes the situation worse.
I rarely swear around my parents, I know it makes them uncomfortable, so I'm hoping you are right and it will emphasize how upset and serious I am about what I'm saying.

I never really know what will set her off though, so she may very well get angry...or she might just ignore that I ever sent the email at all...not so sure I'll let her get away with that the way I let her get away with ignoring my email of a link to the PFLAG page about having gay children.

---------- Post added 7th Feb 2011 at 09:44 PM ----------

Thanks, that actually helps a lot. I have a lot of friends I could call, but so many of them just wouldn't understand where I'm coming from. They are supportive, but also very very straight and have families that would never ignore their problems like mine have for years.

I'm trying to let this knot of anger and sadness untie...it feels like my heart and stomach just sort of had a collision somewhere in my abdomen...

I'm having a cup of tea and maybe that will help. I'm not British, but it seems to work for them :icon_wink

---------- Post added 7th Feb 2011 at 10:03 PM ----------

Okay, actually going to try to sleep now. I've calmed down a bit, still no response from mom...but I didn't really expect it.
The chamomile did it's job and I the hand tremors and shaking have stopped. Might actually sleep a few hours before the dreams start...:bang:

 

xD <3 tea, but I'm not British either... nah, you're fine... and not to condone a continued argument if something flares up, but you're perfectly within your right to slap your mother with a reality check. Nothing says, "Take my shit seriously," like going against what she says with such gusto. If I want my parents to take me seriously, I will usually add swear words to the mix. Not so much to be immature or rude, but no adults likes to hear their child swear. Also, I believe that when I talk about how I feel and my experiences, you can hear the pain in my voice. I think when your parents hear that pain they will realize how much you actually hurt. Maybe she doesn't condone your sexuality or support what you like, but she can try and make you feel better. I don't rely heavily on my parents because honestly they rarely ever pull through for me for anything, but that doesn't mean it has to be that way with everyone's parents. The more serious you take it all, the more likely she is to finally open up to it and accept it.

 

No, your right, I have every right to make them (especially mom, dad hasn't been a problem...he never is) listen to me and at this point I'm financially supporting myself and I don't actually need their approval. So if my mother doesn't like what I have to say then so be it.

She is the one that started this particular argument anyway, she always starts the argument. It's gotten to the point where we rarely have a civil conversation that lasts more than 10 minutes and I'm sick of it. I went through hell for years because of high school and church and, occasionally, my own mother. I'm just...so done with this crap she keeps giving me. :tantrum:

Sorry, I needed to vent. That made me feel even better actually.

 

Haha xP I get that. It's all good. My mother has hypothyroidism on top of a bunch of disorders passed through her family. I can't talk to her about anything beyond what's for dinner or she'll turn into a bitchy and sadistic argument machine. I can't wait until I can move out next year and have my own apartment where I'm not always drowning in her bitchiness.

 

I woke up from nightmares a couple of times last night, but I managed to get a decent amount of sleep and I barely remember them this morning. Yay for progress!
I'm going to the gym this morning and perhaps I will take out some frustration on a punching bag.

She's very religious, I'm not though. Maybe that article will do her some good. Thank you!

 

I know that you are probably right...I've been letting her ignore it and it's not like I want to discuss it every moment of every day, but I would like to have at least one good discussion about it so she knows where I'm coming from I know where she is coming from.

I think she had to know if she kept baiting me that eventually I was going to snap. It's happened before on other topics and I'm sick of it. If she doesn't want to discuss it then fine, but she can't expect me not to react when she is poking me with a stick.

I do want to make this stick and make her actually respond in some way, but I also want to be sensitive to the fact that she is going through a rough patch in life right now and the fact that none of her children have grown up the way she wanted. One is an Atheist, another is on the fence and gay (me) and the other hates going to church and couldn't care less about religion one way or the other. She is probably in a state of terror that all her children are going to hell...and I feel bad about that, but I can't just pretend not to be what I am to make her happy...

Oh and xequar, I love that picture in your sig very very much!
This letter you sent breaks that, and now it's up to you to make sure it sticks.

 

Thank you! That's exactly what I'm trying to tell my mom, that people have the right to have help and they have a right to stand up and say "I'm gay and that's why I was bullied" there is nothing wrong with that.

I finally got a response from her, which still won't deal with me being gay. I already responded, but I want the reaction from you guys.

And my response.

 

To be honest with you, you aren't going to win that discussion. The gay thing is linked with both the argument and the fact that she is ignoring who you are. Perhaps she will eventually be more comfortable with it over the years, but it is hard to change peoples' religious views. She loves you, and it sounds almost as if she just wants to avoid the subject of gayness entirely.
I don't believe this is on purpose, but probably how she was raised and what she believes in. I do not think it is with the intent of hurting you, but she could perhaps be trying to let you be how you are without criticizing you. Maybe it is an unorthodox method, but that might just be how she copes with it. Being distant, however, comes with age, and most families I know aren't even as close as you guys are. My parents never knew anything about who I or my siblings were dating and we lived INSIDE the house. xD
I am not sure how you're supposed to react to being told you're distant. If I were you I'd tell him to f*** off, I have my own life, but that is very inappropriate, and not right for the current situation. I tend to have a short temper with issues like that.
Lying.... I have no idea. Maybe, and not to poke at you, but maybe she believes that either 1. You lied to her about how you felt for all those years, or 2. You're lying about liking women, or 3. You lie to her a lot now, or 4. She doesn't know what else to say to make up for her own failure to recognize that you were extremely depressed when you were young, so is blaming the fact that you suffered upon you not telling her. These are just a few brainstormed ideas, but it just sounds like she didn't know what else to say.
I'm not sure of this, though, because sometimes my mother says things like this just to push my buttons. ~_~

 

You said exactly what I'm trying to say to my mom, I'm a writer and I can't get the words out...guh. Maybe because I'm just to close to the topic.

Would you mind if I shared what you just said with her?
I don't think she even realizes exactly how hostile she has always been to gay people. She watches Fox news and agrees with O'Reilly every time he says something homophobic, she never once made my relationship with her seem like a safe space where I could tell her anything without judgment, which makes it that much harder to listen to her say "Why didn't you just tell me what the problem was, I would have helped. Who made you think I wouldn't?" because it was her who made me think that...

After the blow up when I told my parents I might not believe in god anymore I wasn't going to trust them not to pack me off to some gay reparative therapy if I told them, honestly...

I would agree if it weren't for the fact that she brought up the bullying of gay people, not me.

It very well could be one of those reasons, or a combination there-of.

 

That is, undoubtedly, the best solution since my family can argue for hours and hours and go in circles until someone finally gives up and storms off. That's how most conversations have been lately really...

Hah, I know the history and the lying thing is curious. I've always been the good kid, graduated third in class with honors, never partied, never drank, never did drugs. I never had a serious reason to lie to them other than being a lesbian...
I know I lied about silly things, like how late I stayed up on a school night or about where those particular websites in the internet history came from or about being sick when I didn't want to go to school, but that's typical teenager stuff. By saying 'lying problem' it's like she's implying that I'm a compulsive liar which I'm not...I'm not even that good at lying :lol:

 

Haven't shared it with her since she never responded to that last email I sent her. She just sent me an email the next day with a story she read on MSN about a cat being shot by a bb gun.

Overture ignored once more....

She texted me to today and said "I hope we are still friends, not just relatives" and I told her that we were still friends, but that I would continue to react if she decides to poke me with a stick over and over. She said she didn't realized that's what she was doing.

BS! Of course she knew, my mother is smart and she knows how I am about topics that are close to me. I always get upset about bullying, but she's always known (even before I came out) that I take homophobic bullying very seriously and at times it has turned me into a crying, shaking mess just to discuss it.

I'm actually texting her back and forth about what might be causing the illness I developed yesterday at work...I took a sick day to recover.

Perhaps that, the fact that I love them, is also why it's so hard to give up and just leave my mom as a bigot. I keep trying and it never changes though. I'm not sure why it's so important, but it is. I want her to actually accept me and be comfortable with having conversations with me instead of just texting "I guess no more emails about controversial topics then." which is exactly what she just said.

(*hug*)

Sometimes I forget in all my angst that I a lot of people have it worse than me. I mean, if I had come out when I was a minor who knows what would have happened, but I got off easy all things considered.


Oh and she also just asked me if I wanted her to bring me some ginger ale after work. I told her yes, but I'm not certain I can actually see her without freaking out or getting angry...