Don't really know what I'm doing, but at the moment I'm really struggling to sleep, going on the internet probably isn't helping, but every night for the last few weeks I haven't been able to sleep cause I keep worrying about all these gay issues and general loneliness. The fact is while I have a few friends, I rarely see or speak to the ones I'm close to, and even though a couple know I'm gay, neither they nor I feel comfortable talking about it. I'm scared to because I don't actually know how i feel about it. Every time i think about it I get confused as to who I really am. I've been lying for so long, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be or how I'm supposed to act. I am desperate to talk about it though. I can't come out to anyone else because there's no one else to come out to. I'm too quiet to make any friends. But I can't stop agonising over everything. I just want to be comfortable with it so I can get a life. I came on this website as a last ditch attempt to save myself. I hoped that by reading other people's thoughts on the matter it would help sort out my head. Well, I now know there are others out there, but it still doesn't help. I still feel isolated, I know I can't fix that, my life hasn't gotten any better in the last few years and it'll probably just carry on like that, and I don't think I can do much help giving advice on these forums when I'm a complete mess myself. This'll probably be my last post, unless something miraculous happens and my whole life changes and I feel like i'm able to say something constructive. As I said before it's the middle of the night, i have no idea how much sense i'm making
Davo I know that it feels like your life is a complete mess, but you can't give up now. Don't just accept the way you're feeling right now, fight against it! Life gets better when you make it better, and trust me, I know that from first hand experience. If you're too quiet right now, speak up! People can't be your friends if you won't speak near them. What's going to happen if someone actually knows how you feel, is your world going to end? Definately not. People will respect you more and want to know more about you. And this had better not be your last post, because I like you too much .
Hey - if it helps being in here, then just keep reading! You don't need to post stuff if you don't think you have anything to add. I'm sure you probably do have stuff to add, but don't sweat it! I think I probably felt the same way when I realized I was gay (which was just earlier this year - if you can believe it! I'm 36.) in that I felt alone and somewhat isolated. I didn't have many people to talk to about this new-found part of me. I don't know if Craigslist exists or is used in Scotland, but I put a personal on the online classifieds criagslist site for Toronto in the "Strictly Platonic" section and actually explained my situation... that I was 36, a father of 2, in the process of separating from my wife because I was gay, and I was wondering if there were any other gay dads in the Toronto area that wanted to talk or have a beer together some time. I got several really good and really sincere responses. Several months later I still chat online with a couple of them, and one of the guys that was closer to my age, I now consider a good friend. We get together once in a while and have dinner or go to a movie. I found it really helpful to reach out and meet with other gay guys that I could relate to. So that might be a possibility. I don't know where you live or what the likelyhood would be of that happening... Toronto is pretty big, and is very gay friendly, so guys are a little more comfortable being 'out'. Good luck!
Loneliness is a very debilitating disease only one step off depression. Bearing this 'secret' is certainly not helping you. It is normal for you to feel uncomfortable talking with the straight people you have come out with. No one, except another gay person can even begin to imagine what you go through in your mind, how hard it all is. You are not the only gay person in Scotland, there must be clubs (not as in night clubs) but places where young gay people, struggling to come to terms with their sexuality and coming out, meet up and chat together. Try looking around in the largest town near you, look on the internet for youth groups. Thatcrazythang found one in his area you could ask him for the link, he did post it here a few days ago when he was wondering weather to go or not. They gave a mobile phone number to contact. If you call them they might be able to help you with finding a group near you or how to go about finding one. I think once you find people you can relate to life will become easier, you won't feel so alone and you will finally be able to sleep once more.
