Meeting People, Upset

[mandarof]

Some have probably read about my three interactions/encounters with guys so far. I came out in December and am starting to dabble in this new world (for me). I have been meeting a lot of people and making a lot of new friends.

I went out and was talking with a group of three. Next thing I knew, one of them asked if I'm gay. I guess because I'm not all hands-on and promiscuous, he wasn't sure. This upset me because it felt like my sexuality will be a question my entire life.

Before long, it was just one guy and I. He was going on and on about how great I am, cute, smart, amazing that I don't drink/smoke, etc. I am definitely an atypical bar goer. I never really went to bars and only do now to meet people. He really wanted to go home with me...really badly. I basically said no because it was late, I felt like I was getting sick, etc. The next morning I woke up sick as a dog so good thing I didn't lose even more sleep.

I haven't heard from him since. I'm just so frustrated. I don't know how to handle this type of situation. I don't really want to hook up, I guess unless it's exactly what I want, but worse yet is now I don't know if he even wants to be friends or whatnot. Of course there are gay guys like them and there are gay guys like me. One of my friends is like me, requiring a lot more real feeling around any kind of encounter.

Help guide me please. I can share more details as I am able.

[maverick]

I went out and was talking with a group of three. Next thing I knew, one of them asked if I'm gay. I guess because I'm not all hands-on and promiscuous, he wasn't sure. This upset me because it felt like my sexuality will be a question my entire life.

Well if you're gay, you may as well just suck it up and get over this now - people will be questioning your sexuality for the rest of your life if you are anything but straight. It's just a fact of life.

I haven't heard from him since. I'm just so frustrated. I don't know how to handle this type of situation. I don't really want to hook up, I guess unless it's exactly what I want, but worse yet is now I don't know if he even wants to be friends or whatnot. Of course there are gay guys like them and there are gay guys like me. One of my friends is like me, requiring a lot more real feeling around any kind of encounter.

Have you called him? Did you ask him out? You can't depend on other people to do all of the interacting if you are actively seeking a longterm relationship, you've got to actually put yourself out there (and no, you don't have to "put out" to do it).

[mandarof]

I did send a few text messages. No response for any of them. I guess at this point I want to make new friends, but these types of situations sour me on my entire goal.

[maverick]

Originally Posted by mandarof

I did send a few text messages. No response for any of them. I guess at this point I want to make new friends, but these types of situations sour me on my entire goal.

Shrug 'em off. Some guys out at the clubs are only out for a piece of tail and nothing else. But there are gay guys who aren't like that. You just have to look for them. (PS: You'd probably have an easier time of it if you looked outside of a gay club or bar.)

[mandarof]

I am trying to incorporate more positive methods for meeting people. The guy did write back and ask why I said sorry about Sunday, haha. I guess this situation isn't as bad as I thought it was. Then again do I even want to get together again? I contemplated basically saying okay, let's get together now that it isn't a first-night-meet type thing. Maybe that could be my first line of defense...saying that I won't ever do something with someone upon meeting them for the first time.

So unsure about what I even want...

[maverick]

Originally Posted by mandarof

I am trying to incorporate more positive methods for meeting people. The guy did write back and ask why I said sorry about Sunday, haha. I guess this situation isn't as bad as I thought it was. Then again do I even want to get together again? I contemplated basically saying okay, let's get together now that it isn't a first-night-meet type thing. Maybe that could be my first line of defense...saying that I won't ever do something with someone upon meeting them for the first time.

So unsure about what I even want...

Okay, so here's my thing - if you're going to hook up with someone two days after meeting them, and with no other "dates" or any kind of social interaction, why not just sleep with them the first night you meet them? I'm assuming you have a rule that you don't want to sleep with people on meeting them the first time, but why do you have that rule? So you can get to know people better before sleeping with them?

If that's the case, I suggest you actually date and go out with these people. Otherwise you're going to get sucked into a number of meaningless sexual encounters that aren't going to do anything but further confuse and embitter you, since you've said several times that a longterm relationship is your end goal.

Hooking up (either the night of or the next day) isn't the way to go about it. If you're actually interested in this guy, invite him out - but if the only thing he's interested in the second time you meet him is hooking up, I think it's safe to say your relationship goals are incompatible. You want a relationship, and he just wants a ****. Unless you just want no-strings-attached sex too, tread carefully with this one.

[Lexington]

Would you have felt better had he not returned your calls and texts if you HAD slept with him? My guess is no. So, given that, I'd say feel good that you dodged a bullet there. And any time somebody goes on and on about how amazing you are the first time you meet them, I can pretty much guarantee that they're saying that stuff for a reason...

>>>I went out and was talking with a group of three. Next thing I knew, one of them asked if I'm gay. I guess because I'm not all hands-on and promiscuous, he wasn't sure. This upset me because it felt like my sexuality will be a question my entire life.

It won't be a question if you don't make it one. When people ask if I'm gay (which they do), I say "yes". And then the conversation goes on to other things.

Lex

[mandarof]

He responded to a message I sent and called me buddy so I guess I was reading too deeply. I apologized and he asked why I did.

[Lexington]

Try not to read much into texts. I've seen more drama, hair loss, and anguish over text messages than anything else.

Lex

[Chip]

I hear a constant, recurring theme:

"I want a quality person and I want to build a relationship and am not looking for hookups. I don't want to have sex right away"

"I am looking for these people at bars and clubs"

Those two are pretty much fundamentally incompatible, especially when you don't drink or do drugs yourself. How on earth are you going to find someone with similar values to you (as far as not drinking and not hooking up) if you are hanging out at a place that people go to primarily to do what you don't agree with? Not to mention... the majority of bars and clubs are meat markets. People looking for meaningful relationships are generally not what you find there.

I've said this before, and yet you keep going back to the same places, having the same experiences, over and over, where guys are trying to hook up for one-night stands, not showing interest if you won't do that, and wondering why this is.

So I would suggest, unless you want to just keep posting such threads ad infinitum, that you either become OK with having random hookups and decide that's what you're after, in which case the clubs and bars are a great place to meet people for that, or, otherwise, go somewhere other than a place where you'll constantly be meeting people who are only looking for one-night stands.

It really isn't that hard.