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Not fair

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by wallrose, Feb 9, 2011.

  1. wallrose

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Canberra
    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Everyone I know is in a relationship. Everyone has a boyfriend, or girlfriend. While that isn't entirely true, my friends who are single have had tons of relationships before, and could get a boyfriend/girlfriend without even lifting a finger.
    And it's not just my friends, it's everybody. You can't turn a corner at school without seeing a pair sucking each others faces, or holding hands, or sitting together.
    So everyone is with someone, except me. And I hate it. I know I'm not attractive, I know I don't have the worlds best personality, I know I am horrible in social situations, but even with all of this in my way, there must at least be a blind, deaf, braindead chimp out there who could be attracted to me. But there really isn't.
    It's so one sided. I can count plenty of guys I would go for at the drop of a hat, but of course, they are either not gay, not gay, not gay, or not gay. And those who ARE gay, of which there are none, are completely unnattracted to me. Which I can sort of understand; I'm not a really great person. But it still isn't fair at all.
    Why do I have to be so lonely? I know that I am 'still young', with 'my whole life ahead of me', but why do I have to wait? Why can't I be happy now?
     
  2. Kevin42

    Kevin42 Guest

    First of all, yeah, you are only 16 so don't get too down. I can think of only one couple from my high-school class (700 people total) who dated at that age and might still have something going on between them. I myself never dated until I was almost twenty. So yeah, my first thing to say to you would be to calm down a little.

    Secondly, if you can't be happy when you are by yourself, then chances are you are not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with another person. You have so many negative things to say about yourself in this post and that in itself is not attractive. I really doubt that you are as as unappealing as you seem to yourself, so find some self-confidence and take pride in who you are. Maybe you don't have the world's best personality, maybe you aren't good with social situations, but those are things that just take practice. If you are unhappy with those parts of you, work on changing them. I myself am not incredibly social, and I am perfectly happy to be by myself. Some people might say I don't have the best personality and that I am not very social, but I don't really care because that's just how I am and I don't have a problem with that aspect of my identity. Maybe the same is true for you...maybe not. Either way, figure it out and work on what you don't like about yourself and keep what you do. Whatever conclusion you come to though, have a little more pride in who you are (flaws and strengths)...sooner or later you will find someone who loves everything about you.

    I know it is tough to be gay at your age because the pool of potential partners is so limited. I remember what it feels like to be in bed and just want another person to be there with you. That is pretty natural, and it definitely sucks sometimes. However, don't let it stop you from enjoying and appreciating life. Things will get better as you get older. I know it might not feel fair, but just be patient.
     
    #2 Kevin42, Feb 9, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2011
  3. Lexington

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    As someone who wasn't in a relationship until he was out of college, yeah, I hear you. But a few things to keep in mind.

    There's one person you're going to be stuck with for the rest of your life, and that's you. You won't ever get to break up with you, and you're going to be hanging out with you always and always. As such, it's a really good idea to start liking yourself as much as possible. That doesn't mean you have to delude yourself into thinking that you're extremely hot, or amazingly intelligent, or brilliantly athletic. But start LIKING yourself. You know the stuff you like? Like it. And I mean REALLY like it. If you like writing stories, WRITE STORIES. Post them online for people to read, if you'd like. But don't worry about feedback, or if only two people read the story all year. You're doing this for you. You're doing this because you like doing this stuff. Accept the fact that you're different - take some pride in your strengths, and accept your faults. And keep working on liking you.

    There's a major bonus to this. The more you like you, the more others like you. That doesn't mean they'll line up to date you, necessarily. But you'll come across as more positive, and more confident. And it's amazing how much that helps. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  4. roborama

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    im 16 as well and i feel your pain. even with a lot of out lgbt people in my school and town, im still the single one. boy a had boy b, boy c has girl a, and girl b has girl c, boy d had girl d and so on and so forth. and theres just me... but i have hope for the both of us that it will happen and college is right around the corner so hold your head up
     
  5. GreyGirl08

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    Wallrose, my dear, I know how you feel. I had NO relationships in high school, not even deluded heterosexual ones. One thing I can say about liking yourself is that it can be hard to like yourself when you're in an environment where nobody understands you. When you represent a detour from the norm, your surroundings can make you feel like everything is wrong with YOU. In reality, you just need to find an environment where more people understand you, or, at the very least, are happy to let you live any way you choose. I don't know much about where you are from in Australia, but if there are any opportunities to spend time with different kinds of people, take them! The more people you meet the more likely you are to meet people like you! And, I can assure you that you are not unattractive because attractiveness is not absolute. My ex-boyfriend and I could almost never agree on a girl who we both found to be attractive. He would pick some girl who I thought was plain, and I would pick a girl who he thought was strange-looking! The point is, everyone has different tastes, and there are plenty of people out there who have a taste for you! It's just a matter of being in a big enough pool of people to find them.

    Kevin42 also has a point, however, about self-loathing. I know it's a cliche, but you really do need to love (or at least like) yourself before you can love someone else and they can love you. It's dangerous to get into a relationship when you feel subordinate--you can either end up basing your self-worth on that person's opinion of you, or you can end up in an abusive relationship that further degrades your self-esteem. Lexington's advice about liking yourself is right on the money. You can also use the internet to find people who like what you like. They will help you realize that you're not weird, or even take pride in your "weirdness."

    To answer your last question, you have to wait because we ALL have to wait. It always seems like everyone's in a relationship, but they're not, and if they are, some of them are probably like me, feigning heterosexuality and actually quite miserable!

    Hang in there, and keep posting!
     
  6. maverick

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    Me either.

    ^ +1000. There is no substitute for learning to love yourself for who you truly are. It gives you confidence and grace, which both make you attractive to others.

    Being gay can be lonely. It means that about 90% of the population is off-limits to you romantically right off the bat. So one of the most constructive things a young gay person can do is to learn to be a kickass individual.

    Here are some websites that have helped me improve my attitude, because I'm known to get down on myself from time to time as well...^_^'

    Zen Habits - Happiness
    http://www.happiness-project.com/
     
    #6 maverick, Feb 9, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2011
  7. Saikou7

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    I know how you feel. I'm 16, too, and in the same boat. I know it isn't fair right now, but be patient. I'm sure if I met you, I would think you're great. Everyone has good qualities, and one day a guy will love for the things you hate about yourself. Insecurity in unfortunately common around this age, but you really should find things that you like about yourself.

    I feel the same way in my circle of friends, relationship-wise. They don't know how easy they have it. Keep your head up though, happiness will come. (*hug*)