Uhm, hi! I'm a long-time lurker, first-time poster on these forums. I've got something that's really bothering me and I'm hoping you can help me. I don't usually ask for help on the Internet but you all seem like very helpful and kind people so I decided to give it a go. So, there is this one guy I've known since high school that I've started seeing again starting December last year. We were close friends in the first two years of high school (back when we were both 12/13) but we sort of drifted apart because we chose different subjects and ended up in different classes. Fast-forwarding six years: He's now studying at the university and he's in his second year. I'm going to study at the same university in September this year. I made that decision last year, before I even knew he was studying there. When I found out I contacted him to ask him questions about the university and the city. He asked if I'd like to visit him so he could show me around the city. I thought that was a great idea and so I visited him in the first week of December. He lives 300km to the south so I slept over at his home. We ate, drank, talked, visited a friend of his, watched television together, walked through the city and played some Wii games. It was fun. It really was like there'd never been a six year gap in our friendship. After these two days I asked him on Facebook if he was still going to his parent's home for the weekends. He said he was and he'd usually meet up with some of his friends in a pub relatively nearby my home. I asked if I could come too and he said 'sure!'. He seemed just as enthusiastic about being friends again as I was. I also realized that by now I had developed a crush on him. I really liked (and still like) being around him and being close to him. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside (sorry if that sounds too Disney-esque). I told him on Facebook I really enjoyed the time we spent together and he said that he thought the same. He also said he thinks that, despite the fact that some of our interests are different, our characters match (not sure how to translate that, but I think you know what I mean). As the end of December drew close I asked him what his plans for the New Year were. He said he was going to a (not sure how to translate this) disco. He asked if I'd like to come too. I was thrilled and said yes. So after I celebrated New Year with my family I went to his home and we went to the disco together with his friends. We had a great time and it was one of my most fun New Years. When we arrived at his parent's home again the two of us just sat at the table talking about loads of things, like our past relationships. He said he hadn't been in a relationship after his last one ended when he was 13. I asked him if he'd been dating girls at the university. He said 'no' and seemed really uninterested in dating and girls. That kinda gave me hope as it could mean that he is not into girls. I didn't ask him about his sexual orientation though, as I didn't thought it appropriate to do so. During the talking I let my feet slip towards his and touched them. He didn't pull his feet back, but also didn't react in any way. He might not have noticed, but I still enjoyed this semi-physical contact and it made me happy. Since New Year we've met quite a few times (seeing as at the moment we live about 300km away from each other that's quite a feat) and we both enjoy spending time together. By now I realize I'm really in love with him. He's the first guy I'm actually in love with since my coming out to my dad and sister 1.5 years ago. The problem is, I have no clue what his orientation is. He acts effeminate sometimes, but loads of straight guys do. He never talks about girls, but that doesn't make him gay/bi. He doesn't pull away when I "accidentally" touch him, but he doesn't show any feelings other than friendship (a feeling I extremely value, don't get me wrong) towards me. That might be because he's afraid to open up to me or because he's straight and just doesn't mind touching. As you can see, I'm very cautious and try to not read too much into things. Even though I know there's a possibility he's gay/bi, (unlike some guys you meet who are just obviously straight) I don't want to fool myself that he is gay/bi just because I'd like him to be that way. I don't want to force anything. However, I really do want to let him know how I feel about him. He doesn't seem homophobic, but I worry it might destroy our friendship if he knows I love him. So I'm thinking about anonymously sending him a Valentine card. I know it won't let him know that I'm the one who loves him, but at least it will let me express my feelings to him in some way. I've told my dad about him and while he has no problems at all with me loving him he fears it might confuse him and/or his feelings if he receives an anonymous Valentine card. I don't really see how it could confuse him. Surely it isn't that odd to receive a Valentine card on Valentine's Day? There's really know way he could know I sent it, unless I include subtle hints that point to that. My question to you is: what should I do? Should I just open up to him and express my feelings for him. If so, how? Should I send him the Valentine card? Should I do something else completely? I'm at a loss here. I really love him but I don't know what to do. Thank you so much in advance and I'm sorry if my English in incomprehensible at times - it's not my native language and this a difficult subject to write about in another language. - Kerfisbilun
I don't think there is any way of telling if a guy is gay or straight. I know Im 16, so I obviously dnt have much experience in things as people your age, but I think it's quite normal for him not to have dated a girl since he was 13 since having one would probably cause alot of distractions which would affect his studies. As far as Im concerned he seems to really like you as a friend but if you feel that you need to express your feeling for him then you shouldn't tell him you love also, since you don't know if he's even into guys. Who knows? he might even tell you he's gay also, but if your going to do that then, he would probably suspect that the valentine's card is from you. I guess you could do that if that's what you want him to think whether he's straight or not. :/
Actually, your English is very good! Back on topic, if you don't think he is homophobic, try bringing up a recent news story that involved homosexuality just to be sure. You are obviously pretty good friends now, and if he is supportive of homosexuality, maybe you could tell him that you're gay? I'm not sure about the Valentine's card... maybe send it, but don't hint that it's from you? It all really depends on his views and beliefs as to how he'll react, I guess.
Have you come out to him? You said you talked about past relationships so did it come up then? If not, don't go expressing your feelings just yet. My advice would be: 1) come out to him If that goes ok, then 2) tell him that you are open to dating and relationships, and really hoping that the university has cool gay guys who you can meet and become friends with and maybe more If that goes ok but you still aren't clear about him, then 3) tell him it's too bad he isn't into guys (and that you are assuming he isn't) because guys like him are exactly the type you'd want to meet and date.
^^^^^^x1000 i'd say don't do the card keep testing and snooping and come out to him first. Then just spend time with him wether he is gay/straight/bi if he likes you back he will make a move after your out. If he doesn't then let things just run there course for a bit and then re-assess and see if you still want to let your feelings be known. If the feelings not mutual there is a large chance it could strain your friendship to let him know you love him xD i've found even letting straight or questioning guys know i consider them hot can cause a level of awkwardness even if it is just temporary and better to keep him as a friend and let the feelings die down than to unleash your love without gauging how it will go and losing him. Take more time before you do anything i guess is what i am saying, and definitely come out to him before you make any move.
Thanks a lot for the replies guys, I really appreciate it! After thinking it over and following your advice I have decided not to send the Valentine's card. I'll take more time and will come out to him before I'll do anything that involves expressing my love for him. This is a bit scary for me though as I never came out to a guy before (well, except my dad but that's different) and I haven't come out to anyone outside my family either. I don't want to say to tell him I'm gay out of the blue though. Should I wait for the right moment, like when we were talking about our past relationships (I feel stupid for not telling him back then), or should I create the right moment myself? I'm sure the latter sounds silly but I have no idea how to tell him this. It should be such an easy step but it's a lot harder than it sounds.
Find a current topic regarding homosexuality online. Casually bring it up in conversation. Ask him how he feels about it, then maybe you can branch into homosexuality in general. This is just to get a general feel for his opinion. A little bit later, maybe you can tell him.
Since you don't mind coming out to him, then direct is the best way. You can easily create the moment if you two are alone. Just start asking him about the people at university, then ask if he's noticed lots of gay guys there. Assuming he asks why, just tell him that you've come to accept that you're gay and you are just starting to come out and so are hoping to meet others once you get there.
I would send him a valentine Even if he doesn't know it's from you, he'll still appreciate it . . . if you really like him, I would tell him, even if it turns out he's straight. It will save you a lot of heartbreak . . . (*hug*)
Hello! Welcome from Canada. I'm half-Dutch myself and I have muchos love for that part of my ancestry. There's something awesome about being a bit dutch and ALOT of Canadian. I don't like the anonymous valentines day card as it's seems...I dunno...Sneaky? The best way to deal with this is find all the courage you can within yourself and confess that you feel something stronger then friendship. Start off with saying how you appreciate your friendship and then try doing someting physical to grade he's reaction. Like holding his hand or even moving your hand closer to his. Also, get your mind off the negative, I find that in situations like this, thinking negative is the worst thing you can do to him. I DO, like the idea of tellin him on Valentines day though. If he is gay, then you guys can have a super cute romantic life together (Cause the story is already pretty cute). If he isn't, then being sneaky and subtle isn't going to help you find the answer any faster. You just gotta pull the bandaid and deal with circumstances later. GOODLUCK!
