Okay, I just don't know what to do... I have a lot of things that I just need help with and I can't find anyone to actually help me... Like I basically describe it like this, I have all the answers to my questions already, such as what is wrong with me, but I don't have any solutions to my problems, like how to fix these problems so instead I am drowning under all of this stuff and feeling worse and worse and I just cant take it anymore... It honestly seems like all I have found is people who can tell me what the things are that I do wrong, but not those that are actually willing or have an idea to fix these problems and lately they have gotten so bad that it is putting my friendships at risk and it makes me feel incredibly depressed at times even suicidal and I just want to cry... I am also seeing a therapist but it just isn't working out, I have felt the exact same and nothing has changed since I started seeing her in September. First and foremost, I am incredibly codependent and absolutely HATE the idea of being alone, my friend has described it as almost psychotic, I can't explain why, I did not used to be like this, in fact until about April of last year, I would literally spend every day sitting in my bedroom playing video games or watching TV, but I have lost all interest in doing this now, basically the only game I play now is Call of Duty and I will only play it if my friend is online and I can play it with him I obsess over things... badly... Mostly it is this idea of having a boyfriend... I feel like I need one at all times and absolutely hate the idea of being single.. I can't help it and I can't control it... and recently this has taken a huge part when a guy I really liked told me he doesnt see me as more than a friend. This prolly has something to do with the combination of the first and something to do with myself, I seem to blame the guys not wanting to be more than friends on myself, when in reality the obsession with not being single is the real thing I do wrong. I dont know how to be happy just myself... I am incredibly negative, I can't help it... I almost feel like it is safer... because of the negativity I only see the bad side of things, I don't take risks ever because I look at strictly the chances of something going bad rather than the possible benefits of that risk. I can't help myself I try not to look at things like this and have a brighter outlook but I can't... It's like something stops me, maybe its habit I don't know. I require control, I don't know why, I get very anxious and get on the verge of panic attacks and become incredibly depressed when I don't have control over things. Even the little bit of chaos and I get how I am now... this is basically making all of the other problems a million times worse... Now, I imagine all of these things stem from something singular that has made them branch out into the various noticeable problems...And all of these things have just started to become too much... I just don't know what to do anymore... all I wanna do is cry because I can't take it anymore and have even at times considered killing myself because of all of the stress... I don't think I ever would actually do it, but in my mind I keep having images and thoughts of cutting myself and stuff like that...
I know I have depression, it could prolly be thrown up there too... but I know how to make this better... I am avoiding medication at all costs simply because i was on it before and I didnt like how it made me feel, I felt a million times worse then what I did and was seriously suicidal. But I am on a better diet and me and a friend have joined a gym to try and get more exercise and I am going to see how that works out.
Here's a few things that have worked for me and depression that most people don't realize. Most people recommend seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist etc. Firstly, I suggest taking some time to help yourself and improve your self esteem. Try to eat healthier. Whole grains, eat some fruits and vegetables every day. Cut out sweets and fatty unhealthy foods. This has worked wonder's for MY mental outlook. Secondly, exercise. Not only will it make you look better and improve your self esteem, but it will release endorphins which are the body's natural "morphine" which makes you happier and have a higher sense of well being. Trust me, being healthy feels amazing and can help you get over the depression. I'd say try it. This worked for me a lot. As well as trying to improve parts of my life by taking some chances. Joining a club at school, trying new foods, talking to new people. Try not to take life too serious. Stress makes you unhappy. Life tends to have a way of working itself out, but it does need a little effort. Get a job or go to school. All improve your self esteem. You could also try a psychologist or psychiatrist. They can help. I'm not a fan of drugs, but a psychologist can help talk you through your problems and help you learn how to solve them. S/he will know how as they've studied human behavior, thoughts, feelings, actions, etc for years.
Yea, I heard excercise was supposed to make you feel happier. I kinda get like that too; like being anxious and pessimistic but what I usually do is think of what is causing me to be like that and sometimes find out that the problem is something that can be easily solved such as approaching due dates...By any chance do you sometimes just randomly feel really happy and confident at times but then because of that, you end up really messing things up? By any chance do you sometimes just randomly feel really happy and confident at times but then because of that, you end up really messing things up? or that youv'e been rejected by others? It sounds like you have. And this is probably why you feel like this, because all those events have lowered your self-esteem and now you fear doing anything because it might happen again. I think the next time you get an opportunity to do something, YOU SHOULD DO IT! because not doing it will probably feel worse than actually trying it. Life is full of suprises and not all of them will be good ones but if you don't try anything then you won't have any chance of finding any. (I know that this whole paragraph? is messed up but you get what I'm saying right?
I don't feel like this is really an issue for me... not to completely reject that... but I do these things... yeah i usually get discouraged because things happen but I don't fear that it might happen again... i usually know it will happen again but do it anyway, and so when these opportunities come along I do actually do them.
^ Other than the above, keep up the exercise. Endorphins are the body's natural painkillers. They'll improve your mood and the exercise will act as a vent for all of the stress. ^ +1 Keep on keepin' on, you can do this!
I think you've gotten a lot of good advice above. Couple things I'll add -- If therapy didn't help, it wasn't because therapy won't help, it's because you had either a therapist you didn't connect with, or one who was downright crappy. Both are common. You need to find another therapist and try again. -- I am with you on avoiding antidepressants; a lot of people do report weird feelings and other side effects, and suicidal ideation and anxiety are, oddly, not uncommon side effects. From what you're saying I think you may be able to manage without medication, but there are many different antidepressants, and it's possible that you could find one that will really help. ONe thing you can do in the meantime is get some 5-HTP, which is an amino acid, at the health food store (or vitacost.com has it inexpensively). This helps to mediate mood and for some people is more effective than antidepressants, is non-habit forming, and completely safe. -- As others have said, aerobic exercise that really gets your heart pumping can have a really significant effect on your mood. Most people need to do it at least 3 times a week to see a major change, but for some the improvement is very dramatic. -- The codependency issues are serious and need to be addressed, and won't be without serious therapy. You can lift your overall mood which will help, but you really need to deal with the codependency in the long term, or you'll just have a string of unhealthy relationships that are either with people who are equally codependent, or people that are healthier but won't stay in a relationship with you because of your own issues. The good news is, the issues aren't that difficult to address with good therapy. I hope that helps.
What you need is more friends that will be available to do stuff with you. Please, go out and make some friends!
