Well... It's Valentine's Day... and once again I am all alone I am sick and tired of constantly being alone on Valentine's Day... So lately I have been thinking, why am I always alone, why am I constantly single? Like honestly... my hobby is hooking my friends up, I have a long list of successful long lasting relationships because I enjoy seeing them happy... and many times I put others happiness before my own, Which is starting to take its toll on me... But I enjoy seeing the people I love happy. Another, smaller reason I hook my friends up... Is in the hopes that someday... someone can return the favor... Which has not happened ever, my friend K tried. He is older and knows a lot of gay people, but after pretty much going through his entire phone book... We discovered that he basically doesn't know anyone he could hook me up with. I don't think I am that picky... but I am starting to feel that way... I just want someone who is masculine, nice, and is more assertive in a relationship. I don't like being the one who has to hold his hand, I don't want to put my are around them. And that's it... but yet it seems like these people don't exist... And then K put my picture on his ###### (I honestly despise the existence of this thing, I pretty much feel that everyone on there are complete whores who aren't looking for anything more than a hook up, sorry if that offends anyone) And yeah as we were going through and he was talking to people, that's exactly what it felt like... I don't like this stranger thing, I don't want to meet people at clubs or parties, because I don't trust them. I feel like I am going to get hurt, because I am expecting more than what I feel like they want... I feel like people who party or go to clubs all the time are going to be complete whores who are going to hurt me... and ultimately... I just feel like my mind has set itself up to fail... I feel like I am going to have many many more Valentine's Days alone because I stop myself from doing it...
Hi there, out of all the relationships I have seen, the most happy ones are ones established without expectations (want to be held instead of holding, in your case). How do you achieve a state of no-expectation? I think the most critical element of this is to love your life. In my own case, I am always drawn to people who love their own lives. And I also feel that other people like me more when I show them what I like to do. In your case, wanting a relationship is becoming an obsession, to the point that it may negatively affect you when you actually get into one. For example, even though I believe in love and intimacy and a sense of caring for each other, I believe I am going to stay away from you because you are giving off this clingy vibe.
I feel like I disagree with you there... I mean, you can ask any straight girl out there what she wants in a man and majority will tell you the same thing... They want someone who takes charge and someone who will take care of them. Why is that a bad thing to expect in a relationship? My parents have been together for 15 years, and my dad takes care of my mom and loves her so much. He buys her things that make her happy, he sends her flowers every day on valentines day and things like that. That is what I want. and I don't see it as such a bad thing. And I do love my life, while the being single thing has become a bit of an obsession, I turn it off when I am around people and I am not clingy either... I just am tired of being single for so long... I feel like I have missed out and am still missing out on a very important part of life. It's just a another one of those things where I feel like I am missing out, especially compared to my peers. And that is another thing i am sick of people telling me to stop being boy crazy because I am going to get hurt... I AM 18 YEARS OLD! This is my one time I am allowed to be boy crazy and make these mistakes and learn from them! I just feel like without ever really having a boyfriend, obsessing over wanting one right now seems to be a little on par... Now if I am still doing this when I am 23 then maybe people can step in and tell me I shouldn't be like this, but honestly this is my first year of dating being a potential... and I am sorry if I want to jump right into it...
I don't know what to tell you, except that I sympathize from the other side of the fence. My parents also have a very stable, romantic relationship (married for 26 years). I really want to be able to take care of someone in the way that you're talking about. I want to be someone's lover and hold open doors for them, share my jacket, or buy them little things to let them know I'm thinking of them. I'm an insanely romantic person - handwritten love sonnets, gifts, mix tapes, the whole bit - and I'd love to lavish affection on a significant other - I want to give someone a massage when they get off work, I want to slow-dance in the foyer of the house, I want to write cutesy little love notes in bathroom steam on the mirror over the sink, I want to make breakfast in bed, and I want to cook candlelit suppers for that special someone or take weekend trips with them. For me, these wouldn't be "special occasion" situations, these would be a facet of everyday life for my lover. And I do feel like I'm missing out too, especially when I'm surrounded by women who end up with men who verbally/physically abuse them or cheat on them. It boggles my mind that they are with these guys who treat them like dogshit when they could be with me instead and be treated like a goddess (or a god, in the case of a male lover). ^ This is the way I feel about clubbing and hookups too. Sounds like you need to just immerse yourself in extracirricular activities and see if you can't find someone you have more stuff in common with than the desire to be with someone else.
Actually you are right, at your age I think it is all right to think like that. Make your mistakes and learn I guess. But eventually I think you will find that what I said is the lesson that most people will end up learning after their relationships fail. ---------- Post added 14th Feb 2011 at 12:05 PM ---------- Also I think the fact of being married contributes to certain things. There are ties and responsibilities related to marriage that takes the relationship to a new level, which can be seen as mutually agreeable expectations. This is often not true in a budding relationship.
All I can say is, wait for the relationship to come to you, rather than try to seize one. It'll be so much more rewarding. Also, you're clearly a very kind and helpful person, giving other people the assistance they need to love one another. But I think you might need to start loving yourself a bit more, before you can focus on falling in love with somebody else. (*hug*)
Femme seeks butch, gay-boy style. (I don't mean that you present as girly, necessarily--I have no way of knowing about that. But that's the role you want, in a relationship.) I don't know why gay men are so much more reticent about expressing this sort of thing than lesbians--the only thing I can think of is a kind of underlying misogyny. Like, it's not okay to say you want to be the "woman" in the relationship, or want your partner to be, because women have less status, are inferior. Since, as a woman and a lesbian, I decidedly don't think women are inferior, I think you should feel free to say that that's the role you want. There are definitely masculine guys out there that want there partners to take the feminine role. Right now, of course, you are 18 years old, and most of your peers are looking for a good time, rather than real romance. (Try not to dehumanize them by calling them "whores." They just want something different than you do.) You're more likely to find what you're looking for if you are open with people about what you want. (You are looking for a boyfriend, not a hookup; you want to be courted, pursued, rather than the one pursuing.) If somebody tries to pick you up in a club, for example, you don't have to just flatly refuse. You can make a counter offer. You can say, "I'm not looking to hook-up tonight, but, if you want, you can buy me dinner on Thursday," and give him your phone number. (This would establish both that you want a real date, and that he's supposed to take the masculine role in courting--that's why he's buying, and you've given him your phone number instead of getting his.) Just because someone is looking for a hookup for that night, it doesn't mean that they wouldn't like to be in a relationship. At least some people will feel that a real date for Thursday is a better offer. A lot of people go looking for hookups for no other reason than that it's the only game in town--they're looking for hookups because it's the best they think they can do tonight, but a potential boyfriend is a much better deal. (There are also people who are just looking to hook up--but they will not accept your offer of a date for Thursday. Don't be offended; you were both just looking for different things.) I don't know about ###### in specific, but a lot of online dating things have a part where you can say what you are looking for. It's good to be clear about that. You can also just talk about what you are looking for with people you meet through any sort of activity--the more people know you, and know what you're looking for, the more likely someone is to think, Hey! He'd be perfect for my friend Rob! and invite you both to the same barbecue. Since you want to be pursued, it makes it more difficult to initiate anything. You have to learn how to let the guy you're interested in know that you want his attention--how to get him to "chase you until you catch him." (Oh, my gosh. I have to stop now, I'm enjoying this far too much. But, you know, I like the femme role. If we aren't careful, I may burst into song with "I Enjoy Being a Girl" from Flower Drum Song, and that would be just too, too much. But I was surprised to find out how much I like the femme role--I really wouldn't have thought so before I knew I was a lesbian. I've actually gotten girlier--I suddenly understand what high heels are for.) Damn, okay, so, now I just can't resist: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjWn-ueeeLw&feature=related (See, I told you it would be too much.) Anyway, don't be discouraged. You're young yet, and if you put effort into finding romance, you'll find it soon enough. Just keep in mind that a relationship requires a lot more from the other person than a hookup, and it is correspondingly more difficult to find.
