had a disheartening conversation with my father today

As some of you will remember, I'm going through a tough time because my mother has been really poking me a stick every chance she gets now that I came out. (I think subconsciously I was hoping my parents would automatically accept me and I was crushed when they didn't). I stood up to her and now things are even more strained.

I tried to have a "girls day" with her today because I needed to go grocery shopping and I don't have a car. I called her and she said we could go shopping, but she ended up bringing my dad which made me feel she is uncomfortable being alone with me.

Things started out okay, they congratulated me when I told them I was going to get published in a local magazine, doing an editorial on current events. (I'm a blogger as well as a novelist so this is a big deal for me). Then my mom, out of the blue, starts an argument about how this liberal on an internet forum was a complete whack job (I only know her side of the story) and she is judging all liberals based on him. I got upset and we spent most of lunch arguing about it. My dad stayed out of it, further enforcing (I thought) that he disagreed with her...but I was wrong.

I've finally concluded that my mother isn't fighting with me on these topics because she wants to, she's doing it to hurt me because I came out, but she doesn't want to acknowledge that I'm a lesbian.

When she got up from the table I couldn't take it anymore so I told dad that "I was never going to be able to have another civil conversation with mom again ever am I?" and "If she would just fight with me over what she is really mad about it wouldn't hurt as much. She should tell me I'm a sick abomination to my face, I could deal with that easier." he told me that they loved me, but they couldn't accept me.

After shopping he helped me take my groceries up to my apartment and he hugged me and re-iterated that they both would always love me, but they could never accept what they see as "a bad life-decision" I snapped and said it wasn't a decision and I had TRIED to be straight for them, but it wasn't fair to me or to the guy I almost engaged to (another long story, I have plenty of those).

He said, fine, but don't expect us to accept it. I told him to tell mom to face me with why she is really pissed off, because if every time I spend time with them I end up stressed and depressed because I'm being raked over hot coals then they are just driving me away.
I also told him (I was angry) that he should tell her to "call me a dyke to my face and see how I react." I regret saying that now.

Then I laid it out for him, as calmly as possible.

Do you think I was too harsh?

I'm pretty broken up because I always considered my dad to be the calm, level-headed, not really religious person. He's accepted all my crazy schemes and never judged me...but that's changed now.

Anyway, I retreated to self destructive behavior and ate to much chocolate, drank more wine than I should have and had a general pity/lonely hearts party for one tonight. Ended up a bit drunk and called a friend who I sloppily hit on...luckily she understood my mood and that I was drunk. I've mostly sobered up and I needed to vent/get advice...again.

Valentine's Day can take a long walk off a short pier for all I care...I haven't had one go well since...well never actually.

 

Omg that's so sad. I just had a similar experience with my parents over the phone this Saturday night, and you know what, you've got to stay strong. I wrote the whole experience as a long message to a friend and by the time I was done i was able to calm down and forget and go to sleep. And trusting friends are what I suggest. Because I think at this point we've got to be thinking outside of the box of the traditional family scheme, to think at we are no longer living for their happiness but our own. Because we are a minority not by our own design, we were born this way, we have to dare to make tough choices and decisions for ourselves now. Our only choice is to remain strong, and dare to live our lives, or we will be stuck behind a wall in a shell of a life that consists frankly of an endless cycle of eat, work, sleep, and one day we die.

I hope you are feeling better now and we can always talk to each other about our experiences. :icon_bigg

 

I just hate to think that the only way I can keep my self happy, sane and healthy is to cut myself off from my mom and dad. Despite all this crap I still love them and I just want them to accept me...I'm so tired of all this.

But things will never go back to normal unless I go back in the closet and censor everything I say around them again. I can't live like that.

 

First off, I'm really sorry. (*hug*)

I don't think you were too harsh. If you don't stand up for yourself it will only escalate. At the same time though, don't close your heart off to them. Always give them a chance to come around. You never know, it could happen with time. It probably wasn't a good idea to get angry even though you are completely justified.

If I was in your position, I would apologize for getting angry with your father but I would reiterate my position right after that. You're a lesbian and they either love all of you or they don't really love you at all. Unconditional love doesn't come with strings attached. I would say that to your parent's faces too. Just say your peace and then live your life. There is no point in reopening wounds. If they come around, that's great. If they don't, it's absolutely tragic but it isn't your fault and it is pointless to blame yourself for their failings.

What do your siblings think about all of this? Maybe you could enlist their help?

 

I'm not sure I can bring myself to apologize to either of them, really they sort of backed me into a corner where all I could do was get angry and say something...I think it's what they wanted.

I'm done, if they want to address the situation then fine, but I'm not going to play nice and pretend it's not going on.

My mom texted me earlier and I didn't see it until now. She was just all "oh hey, we forgot to go get yarn and congrats on getting that editorial spot, it's a great opportunity." Yeah, pretend it didn't happen.

I'm not responded to her texts for a few days...maybe then she'll know I'm serious. I love them both, but this is just...ridiculous. I have enough issues without piling this on and if there is one thing I know how to do, it is how to cut someone loose when they are endangering my emotional equilibrium.

My brother and sister both know I'm gay and absolutely, 100% okay with it. My brother is older and so spending time with him won't be an issue, but my sister is 14 (on Friday) so I have to keep up a small level of parental contact to spend time with her...

 

My phone call with the parents ended with my mom pretending she has another incoming call, which she promised to call back and talk more ( I was revealing to her my discovery process of being gay ) but never did. It is a painful thought to hear that even though they say they love you no matter what, they will constantly bash you for the "life choice" you allegedly made. I think in time they will miss me, but for now I cam not ever going to talk to them about homosexuality again, unless they bring it up, and when they do I will just use the line, "info is out there on the internet, do your research".

 

I'm letting them make the next overture...the only difficulty is that I sort of feel like I'm getting a divorce as well because I have my sister who I want to spend time with, but it will be hard to do that and not be in that toxic environment.

Her 14th birthday is on Friday and, while I hate to miss her party, I know me being there would probably just ruin it for everyone. I emailed her to ask if it was alright if I didn't come. I'm taking her out to lunch and to a movie the next day, so that can be our party I guess.

Perhaps we are related :lol:

That's all I'm asking as well, she doesn't have to accept it, but if she wants me around then she is going to have to find a way to not turn every conversation into world war three. I don't mind a spirited debate around the dinner table occasionally, but this is just vindictive and cruel.

Maybe if she said it I could hate her instead of loving her while she hates me silently...it would be easier to distance myself at least.

I did send my dad and email with an apology this morning. I'm still to keyed up to talk to him on the phone or in person so that's the best I can manage at the moment.

I know it wasn't the right thing to say, but I was a little emotional unbalanced at the moment and he was hurting me...I felt I had to lash out at him some how...hopefully I can control my temper next time.

(*hug*)