I hate feeling like my life is built on secrecy. So I seem to be back with my ex... the one who I was with four years ago until three months before I was sexually assaulted. In the time we've been in college, we've both grown up a lot, and one of his growths was letting go of judgmental thinking. He's loosened up so much and it's such a relief. I think I should be happy, because I've basically been waiting and hoping in secret for him to come around. He's the only guy I've ever really trusted, because he was the only guy in my life before it happened. I've known him since we were in 5th grade band together and was in love with him for so long before we dated that having him not be in my life seems impossible. Yet all I feel right now is guilt, because all I can think about is how many things I've kept secret from him in the time that we were apart and how intent I feel about keeping my skeletons packed away in the closet. He, like many other people, doesn't really know about the ambiguity of my sexuality. This doesn't bother me much because A) I've never had a girlfriend or any other relationships of consequence with women, B) I'm really not out anyway and C) he's not dying to get in the sack. But he doesn't know about the r-word ordeal. I wanted to tell him as soon as it happened, but I thought he either wouldn't believe me, wouldn't care, or judge me for my actions that may or may not have played a part in how I got into that situation that night. His mom knows, because I had to figure out how the hell to tell my mom about it and so I called her for advice. I don't know why I've been thinking so much about the idea of telling him what happened. It could be because I feel different with him than I used to, perhaps because I'm older/more mature now. I don't know if and/or how it would change things, or if a chance of change would be worth the stress that I imagine it would cause him. But I've found myself having to disclose this information to everyone I've dated before now and I'm tired of being handled delicately or being seen as traumatized/broken/sexually damaged. That and it's played a part in all of those relationships ending. I guess I'm assuming that because he's a guy that he'll want to have sex eventually and the truth will have to come out. It always does, in the form of an anxiety attack that drains all the blood from my limbs and turns me into one big painful charlie horse. I fear judgment, criticism and rejection so much that I feel like I've gotten used to having to keep secrets throughout my life, and different people know so many versions of me that the true me is someone that doesn't even exist in the outside world. I don't know what's more complicated: keeping track of who knows what image of me, or compromising/losing the people I love by trying to make sense of who I actually am. :bang: Emm
I do want to say thank-you for sharing Sometimes doing so can just help get the stress out I know what it's like about secrets, my life is full of them too. So you have a friend in me
Have you thought about talking to his mother? Since she already knows, and since she's apparently somebody you feel you can trust to give good advice, why not approach her about it? Just lay your situation bare for her - you've started up with him again, he doesn't know about what happened, you want to discuss it with him, but you're afraid of all this stuff. Lex
Well, first of all, I agree with Lexington, you should definitely talk to your boyfriend's mom about how to approach things. I will say, however, it's probably better to tell him ahead of time, rather than having him find out by your panicking when you are in bed together. Especially if you don't want to seem "traumatized" or "broken." Suddenly freaking out when he's not expecting it is going to make a more dramatic impression than telling him calmly ahead of time. And, it will let him know that he needs to go slow--that's important, especially since you've been with him before. I mean, when you were together before, you had sex, right? So, he's not going to understand why you won't just sleep with him like you did before, unless you tell him. Incidentally, though, you are traumatized. Rape is traumatic. I know from some of your other threads that you've been in counseling. Have you ever been to a support group for rape survivors? I ask partly because you have completely avoided using the word "rape," even in type. If you can't even type out "the r-word," then I think you really have a ways to go in dealing with this. And in the other threads where you talk about counseling, you seem to be addressing other issues, and not the rape. If you've addressed it in therapy before, though, it might be better to try some other things, like a support group. But is your therapist an expert in dealing with rape recovery and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? If not, you should really see if you can get a referral to someone who is. This is having a huge impact on your life. And also, I would like to stress, because it can't be done often enough, that the rape was not your fault. I don't care how much of a party girl you were, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Sure, if you don't want to be mugged, you can avoid the bad part of town. But in the end, you can encounter a mugger anywhere--and if it weren't for the criminals, there wouldn't be a bad part of town to avoid. A transwoman or a drag queen--a male-bodied person in female clothing--could significantly reduce the likelihood of her being assaulted by donning more masculine attire. But, you see, she should not have to! Likewise, there are perhaps certain things you might have done differently, or not done, to avoid being raped. But it is unjust that you should have to do so! Indeed, the restrictions on our behavior are merely another way that we are victimized. When we dress more modestly, dance less exuberantly, flirt less boldly, laugh more quietly, when we take a longer route home, when we choose to do anything differently than we would freely choose, out of fear of criminals, we are already their victims. They already have power over us. Sure, if you had done things differently, you might have been less likely to be raped. But it's wrong that you should have to change what you do, in order to avoid being raped. You should be able to choose how you live, without fear. You should be able to be a wild party girl without anyone hurting you. And sometimes, people do everything they are "supposed" to do, and they are still raped anyway. You did nothing wrong. He was the criminal.
I was in therapy for it for 2 and a half years, and while most of my severe PTSD symptoms are behind me, I receive and react to physical contact differently now, and my sex drive has totally run dry. Not a good situation for dating as an adult. I never slept with my ex when we were together the first time. We were on the later end of high school and in our first semester of college when we were dating, and it just never became an issue. So I don't know how things will be if and when we do sleep together for the first time.
