I really am lost and confused.

Moving out will be good for you, and ifgyou do decide to go forward with your plans its what you think that counts. Even your mother doesnt have complete control over you, you might not be able to make her happy right away but in time she could get used to it. If you do think its a phase you can just wait it out and think things through. Good luck!

 

MusicIsLife (which I agree with, by the way--I need music!), it sounds like you're having a hard time with this, which is completely understandable. First off, I wouldn't beat yourself up about recanting your profession to your mother--coming out is REALLY HARD, especially when you are still trying to figure yourself out. The fact that you even said it out loud to begin with is pretty impressive, so recognize the importance of that. Once you have done some more searching, and are more sure of who you are, it will be easier to come out (as whatever) and be confident in it. (When I came out to my dad I came out as bi, but I may actually be a lesbian!) In terms of how you feel about female pronouns, I'd say that's also normal for someone who is struggling with gender identity. I feel the same way about sexual orientation labels right now, as I'm trying to figure out where I might fit in. Recognize that anger for what it is--a sign that you are in gender limbo, and see where it takes you. I should point out, however, that we live in a gender binary world, so while some people may sympathize with your struggle, others (and most others to be completely honest) don't understand what you're going through. They don't mean anything by using female pronouns when referring to you, they're just going about the business of their culturally normative lives. This doesn't mean your anger isn't valid, it just means that a lot of other people won't understand it.

Speaking of norms, family structure is a prime example. Most families exist in the context of certain norms, and it can be difficult for families when a member of the unit breaks away from that. Like all people who have grown up in and live within the confines of a set of norms, your family will need time to adjust to whatever you come out to them as. Some people are more capable of this adjustment than others, so there are no guarantees, but my guess is that, eventually, at least one person from your "ignoring" side of the family and one person from the "stuff him/her/zhe in a box" side will come around. If you want to talk to your mother again, you could try explaining that you are not sure what gender identity best describes you (it may be good to explain the difference between biological sex and gender), and ask her to use a gender neutral pronoun (zhe, pronounced "zee") while you figure it out. This is hard for a lot of people to swallow, so don't be surprised if she has trouble at first, but it's one way that you can alleviate some of the pressure of defining yourself, and it will keep you out of the closet and help your mother avoid gender stereotypes. You know your mother best, so, as always, proceed with the appropriate caution.

The decision to transition is an important one, and, depending on where you are in your journey, you may still have a long way to go. Moving out is certainly a good move, but it's also important to seek out the support of others who know what your are going through or can be allies in the process. Once you are living on your own, it's a good idea to start with easy physical changes like wearing clothing that makes you feel most comfortable. In addition, you may feel more comfortable being referred to by a different name from your given one. These things will go a long way toward helping you figure out where you fit in to things. I'm not an expert on transitioning (I have a few trans friends who I have known since before they transitioned, but that's about all), but I think that seeking the council of a therapist would also be a good thing. I know that many doctors require that you see a therapist for a period of time before prescribing hormones or performing any surgeries anyway, so it can't hurt to get a head start.

In terms of whether or not what you're going through is a phase, I think the only way to know that is to live the life you think you want externally before making any permanent changes. From what my friends have experienced, I'd say that you'll know pretty quickly whether or not it's a phase.

To your last question, I don't think anyone can answer that (not even your mother, really). There are no crystal balls in life. Your mother may initially say that she'll never accept you as a man, and then, six months from now she could have a change of heart and do a complete 180. One of the most intriguing things about humans is that we are rarely aware of what we are capable of. The best that you can do is explain yourself to her, tell her what you wish for your relationship with her, and see what she says. This is where that support becomes crucial. It's a good idea to have people in your life who can help you through things like your mother's initial reaction (whatever it may be). Gender as a social construction is a fairly modern idea, so it's no wonder that older generations have trouble with it. Hopefully us younger folk can educate them about it, and help them understand us all a little better. I hope that you can do this for your mother, and that things work out for you. Let us know when you move out, and how things are going. You're not alone--we're all confused too. Some people just hide it better than others ;-)

 

Okay, stop confusing your mom. Your first sentence says you've figured out your trans, and it sounds pretty definitive when you say it like that, but you're telling your mom that you don't actually think that. She has no grounds to take you seriously at all.

Next time she asks you, "Are you sure?" just say, "No."

Also, if someone asks you "Are you sure?" I don't think that that would be considered a negative reaction. Violence? Yes. Ridicule? Yes. Anger? Yes. But confusion, curiosity and ignorance aren't negative responses.

Your mom doesn't want to believe you're trans, and that's not something that you can take personally. She is looking for any excuse for you not to be trans, and right now her relief stems from the fact that she doesn't think you're trans, she thinks you're just confused.

Coming out trans is pretty much like going up to your parent and saying, "Hey, I've had this birth defect that's been tormenting me since I was a kid that may keep me from having a full and happy life, and I'll be switching genders now, just thought I should let you know." Of course she's going to be upset and unhappy about your situation, she's your mom.

^ If this is really the case, you should see a gender identity counsellor, or a therapist that concentrates in that field. If you're transsexual, a doctor can help give you the backup to continue transitioning, and if you're just transgendered, a doctor can help you figure out how far you need to go in order to validate your gender identity. If you're just having an identity crisis in general, the doc can help figure that out too.

You can just present male? I dunno, I'm not "out" to my extended family or anything, just my immediate family, but I've been dressing and living as a male for months in front of all of them. (I don't insist on masculine pronouns though, you can call me what you want as long as you don't call me late for supper.) I never "came out" per se to my grandparents, aunts, etc...but when I'm with them now, I just act like myself. If anyone ever questions my dress, I still don't have to come out to them, I can just say very coolly, "I'm old enough to drink, smoke, and go to war, I think I'm old enough to pick my own clothes at this point." And leave it at that. You're free to do the same at 21.

21 is an adult - at 21 I bought my first dog, had my own apartment, and got my first tattoo. You really don't have to wear skirts, you don't have to wear makeup or jewelry, and you don't have to pretend to be feminine at all. If you really do feel that you're male, then just be yourself and the rest will follow. The body is just a vessel. Cosmetically, it can be altered for much more petty reasons than being a man in a woman's body. What's between your ears, that's what really counts.

I would definitely wait until you're out of the house, my biggest blowups about transitioning have always been with my mom, and I'm living at home now. Sometimes it can be difficult to deal with her, and we've had to have a handful of come-to-Jesus meetings in order to be able to live civilly with each other. Now we're fine, but this is six months down the line. It seriously took my mom six months to get over me coming out. That's a loooooong time to have to take constant hits on an already fragile self-esteem, so just be cautious.

How do you know it's not a phase? I don't know how to answer that, really, because if you don't know I don't know - nobody knows you better than you know yourself, despite the cliche.

Personally, I've been out as a transgender for six months now, but my issues with it go all the way back to when I was a little kid. They were worst in high school when I went through puberty and the gender dysphoria drove me to almost kill myself several times, unbeknownst to my family and friends. I have dreamed as a male for as far back as a I can remember. In school I didn't want to be with the guys as much as I wanted to be one of the guys. But I didn't know anything about transgenderism, so all I knew was that there was this huge wrongness in my life, that something was desperately fucked up with me, but I had no idea what it was and no idea how to deal with it even if I did. I had suspicions that I might be a lesbian when I was younger, and just the thought of that possibility sent me into sobbing terrors when I thought about how my family would react. I was so homophobic with regards to that that I still want to melt into the floor and disappear if a girl hits on me.

So I just ignored my sexuality and gender identity entirely. I threw myself into non-gender-specific hobbies - I became absorbed into the art and writing community so any of my "quirks" could be denied away by others as artistic eccentricities. I just went around and pretended I was a monk and couldn't feel anything. I refused to enter into any longterm relationship and convinced everyone it was because I had commitment issues. I converted to Buddhism at fifteen partially in an attempt to control my emotions and my mannerisms as an act of camouflage, and partially because I needed a faith that would be more forgiving towards what I considered would be my imminent and inevitable suicide than Christianity.

^ This is just my personal experience with being trans, you could be trans and have a totally different one. But I don't know very much about transgenderism myself, only what I've experienced personally.

All I can say on this front is, don't hold your breath. Like I said, I've been out since mid-November, and my family still uses female pronouns - I hope at some point they'll switch over, but I'm not going to hold my breath either. As far as the pointing out stuff you do that's girly, that seems pretty normal too. A few weeks back, me and my mom couldn't be in the same room without her pointing out some article of my clothing she disapproved of or glaring death at me when I would sit too "mannishly" down next to her. Now I doubt she's become any more approving, but since I've voiced my disapproval at her attitude, she's learned to hold her tongue.

Maybe you need to have a conversation with your mom and tell her how her constant criticism makes you feel? That's what I did, and it worked.

Also, have you provided her with any transgender resources?

In the meantime, (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)