:help:

If I were you I'd ask my friend to introduce me to him and then see how he is and stuff and then decide wether I want to comeout to him. You might even have a possible boyfriend now ;p.

 

Well if he's gay he probably won't tell everybody that your gay since he knows what it's like

 

Well why can't she know? :/ unless u somehow started talking to him by yourself which would probably be more complicated :/

 

unfortunately there's really not much you can do while you're in the closet. in order for anything to work out with any guy, you have to take that chance. i'm assuming the big thing that is bothering you/will bother you in the future is the "what if" part of this situation. what if you had told your friend, what if you met him, what if you had a first boyfriend. the good news is, you're still young and you have a lot of growing up ahead and more likely than not, it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

but putting it bluntly, in order for anything to happen, you have to tell at least one person, and it's perfectly understandable if you can't bring yourself to do that, i was 19 before i told anyone at all and i already knew my friends would be accepting. i can't tell you that you should come out, that depends completely on how ready you are, but i will say that i wish i would have had the courage to come out earlier.

 

He's been through coming out. If he's not an ass, he'll know what it's like and keep it secret.

 

Soharo, what I'm hearing from what you've written is that a) you're interested in this guy, b) he's out to his family and close friends, and c) that you're not out to anyone. This is wherein the problem lies. It's fine to have a crush on someone (I'd say it's even good. Crushing can be a lot of fun), but in order to act on it, you have to come out (at least to him). If you are really interested in pursuing something with this guy, than I would contact him directly, and tell him who you are. And here's why: He knows what you're going through, so it's very unlikely that he'll out you at school. He's not really out at school either, so why would he out you? I know that it's hard to trust people you don't know, and there are no guarantees, but there is a certain solidarity in being gay and in the closet together. I don't think he'll betray that. (I don't know where you are and what the cultural climate is, so I could be wrong about this--use your best judgment.) Once you're out to him, you can talk to him openly, and see if he's interested in you. If not, then at least you've come out to someone, and a pretty safe person at that. If he IS interested, than you can see where things go, and see how you two would feel about being out at school (you should, of course, come out to your family first, unless you can be out at school without them finding out, which is unlikely). Another option would be to use your female friend as an intermediary, but in order to do that you'll have to come out to her. She could then possibly talk to him for you, without necessarily divulging your identity. I don't think that this is ideal, but if you're more comfortable with the idea of coming out to her, it's an option. Again, all of this should be put in the context of your geographical and cultural location. Some areas and people are more tolerant than others. I'd hate to see you get hurt because I told you to come out and it turns out that you live in Jamaica, where men have been stoned for mere suspicion of homosexuality.

Good luck!

 

after thinking about it a bit, i want to add that if you don't want people to know, i don't think i'd suggest coming out to this particular girl. not that i think she's a bad person, but the circumstances point towards her liking to talk about secrets. i would advise the direct approach in which you talk to him, in person is scariest, but it also gains the most respect and can't be mistaken for being creepy.

 

Oh, I think this is already a crush. Just be glad that something in your psychology stops you from crushing on straight boys. You didn't start crushing until you learned he was gay--this bodes well for your future happiness.

But, since you unconsciously repress feelings until knowing that someone is gay, you shouldn't be surprised that, upon finding out that someone is gay, you crush hard. After all, I doubt you know very many out gay guys anything close to your age. And suddenly, all that repressed desire has somewhere to go.

But why did your friend tell you he's gay? It sounds like someone gabbed who wasn't supposed to. Is your friend a big gossip, usually? I mean, if she knew you were gay, it would make sense that she would want to tell you, but it sounds like she doesn't know. And what did she think about him being gay? Was it a problem for her?

For one thing, talking about a fellow student who is gay is a way you can feel out your friends' reactions, to get an idea if they are safe to come out to. But don't spread the rumor to anyone who hasn't heard it. Especially notice anyone else who thinks that spreading the rumor is wrong or inappropriate--anyone who thinks it's wrong to "out" someone.

If your friend is trustworthy, coming out to her would possibly make things a lot easier, in terms of trying to meet and befriend (and whatever) her classmate. It would be very helpful to have her complicity. She could befriend him a lot more easily than you could, and then it would be an easy thing to invite you both to the same gathering.

If you want to contact him anonymously at first, I suppose you could. You won't seem like a pervert unless you are asking for something sexual. You could just tell him the truth. You are a schoolmate of his, and you are gay, and afraid to come out to anyone. A friend, who doesn't know that you're gay, told you that he is gay, and you want to know if that's true, and if you can trust him not to tell anyone about you before you tell him who you are. Would that really seem perverted to you? I think that just about any gay person would understand the fear.

It would definitely be good for you to have the moral support of another gay person, even if nothing else happens. It would probably be good for him, too, keep that in mind--I suppose he might know some other gay people already, but probably not many.

 

Oh, I didn't mean that you would crush on just any gay guy. Only one that you would be attracted to anyway. It seems like both conditions (that he's gay, and you are attracted to him) are necessary before you start crushing. A guy not being gay (or you not knowing he is) prevents you from developing feelings for him, when you otherwise would. Then, when you find out that an attractive guy is gay, your feelings come on stronger than they would if you weren't repressing your feelings for (perhaps dozens of) straight guys.

Why don't you feel comfortable coming out to T?

When L asks how he can know he's gay, tell her you don't have to touch someone to know that you want to--or that you don't. Did she have to be with a girl to know she was straight?

Incidentally, gay people rarely out other gays. It is a huge taboo, in a community that doesn't have many taboos. You don't do that, ever.

Have you ever watched Glee? **If you are really behind on Glee, the next paragraph might possibly contain spoilers. Therefore, I am setting it in white so that you can only read it if you highlight it. On Glee, the gay kid, Kurt, has been horribly bullied by the secretly-also-gay football player, Karofsky, culminating in an incident where Kurt confronts Karofsky, and Karofsky (forcibly) kisses him. Karofsky thereafter threatens to kill Kurt if he tells anyone.

Kurt tells about the threat, but not the reason for it. The only person he tells about the kiss is his love interest Blaine, who is also gay. And I want you to really think about this part: neither of them even considers outing Karofsky. Because outing people is not done, not ever, not even to people who've made themselves your enemies.

Yeah, the gay people you know are out now, at least to some people. Otherwise, you wouldn't know they were gay. But there was a time when they weren't, and they remember well enough what that was like, how it felt. And anyway, other gay people would really, strongly disapprove. You really don't need to be so afraid of other gay people exposing you.