OKay, so, for the last month, after being bisexual since forever, I've accepted myself as lesbian. I've even come out to my siblings as a lesbian. I am happy with the thought of being a lesbian. I can't wait to explore this side of me and hopefully settle down with a great woman. However, today I woke up depressed. I had the thought "what if I am really straight and this is a phase or confusion" run through my head. I almost cried. I don't want to be straight. I don't want a man. I've been with men and I didn't like it. What is this all about? Is this normal? I haven't told my mom that I am gay (or that I think I'm gay). I used to get really worried that people thought I was gay. I felt like I couldn't watch movies where woman were half naked. I felt like I couldn't look at beautiful women on Deviant art. I felt like I couldn't say a particular actress was beautiful without fearing that someone was going to think I was gay. In a way I guess I was ashamed of myself for being attracted to women. I didn't want anyone to know. I don't know. *shrug* Now I'm fine with it. I check out women in the store (in front of my mom lol though she probably doesn't notice). When talking about a particularly beautiful actress I say it...yeah, she's gorgeous...unabashedly. I'm hoping this is a common fear. I keep telling myself that I know what it was like being with males. I know I didn't like it. Being them intimately makes me uncomfortable. So why should I even have this fear? Ugh. :bang:
I think it's normal to doubt yourself, especially during the coming out process. The fact that you go from talking about your doubts to talking about your mom, to me that makes it seem like these are connected in some way, perhaps unconsciously for you. Perhaps you are doubting yourself as a way to avoid having to come out to her. You both want to come out to her, and are afraid to.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I want to come out to my mom more than anything. I just don't know how to do it. It was easy to tell my siblings because I had told them years ago that I was bisexual. I have a hard time talking to my mom. We're close, but even so, it took me years to tell her I had OCD. I know my mom will be okay with it, because she herself has questioned her sexuality. I know she's open-minded and she'll support me. She'll only want for me to be happy. Same goes with my dad. I'd love tell him, too. I don't know if I should write a note (it's so much easier for me to write out what's on my mind rather than say it out loud) or just go up to her and say "hey, guess what, I'm a lesbian!" I feel more and more ready to tell her every day, but I'm a little *tiny* bit scared. It's the biggest thing I've ever had to tell her.
I do have a slight feeling like this sometimes. As said above, I think it's normal. After spending so long trying to figure out who you are, you fear having to go through it again if it turns out you are straight (or bisexual or whatever). A portion of it for me is also that after telling people I am gay, what would they think of me if it turns out I wasn't? Would they then think that every gay person was just going through a phase, and would they be able to take me seriously afterwards? However I very much doubt that I will turn out to actually be straight... so it is a fear that will almost certainly never be realised for me and probably most other people as well.
I gotta agree with what Ridiculous said ^ The reality is, even if you did meet some man who you wanted to be with (not saying you will, but if you did) then you (like anyone else) would probably just want to wind up doing what made you happy. Labels are less important than being with someone who fulfills you. In the end, isn't it more about love than about labels? And once you do decide you're ready to tell your parents, you're going to feel so great. That was a big motivator for me. I knew how good I would feel because they are such accepting people and would love me the same either way. Sounds like that's your situation too.
Don't worry it's all part of accepting yourself. We all get moments of fear and confusion full of what ifs. I always think about how my life could be different if I did this or that, but I think about it and realise this is who I am and this and he makes me happy. In the end you will just know whatfeels right even if it takes time to accept it. Take care and don't worry
I feared this as well. Once I immersed myself more into the gay community, I feared, "what if I have to come out again someday as a straight woman"... that would cause confusion amongst my friends, and family... and possibly destroy the notion that a woman can truly be gay. I would try to just be calm. Some people are truly one side of the spectrum but some change over time (pan or bi). Just be yourself and be true to your heart. Those that care about you will be there for you.
There's a very small chance that perhaps you WILL meet a guy, and fall for him. At which point, you do a Tom Robinson. You tell the world "I thought I was gay, ends up I was bisexual", and you go be happy with your man. And until that happens, you simply go on with your gay self. Lex
If you think it will be easier for you, go ahead and write a note. From what you say, your fear isn't really about your mother--it doesn't sound like she's going to react badly. So it's really that, in some psychological way for you, telling your mom will mean that it's really true. Like, it will somehow be more irrevocable. You can include all of the truth in your letter--including about your doubts, especially since it sounds like she will be supportive of you, and not so much clinging for any shred of hope that you might be straight. Sometimes, when people who are important to you don't know the truth, it can feel like the part of your life that they don't know about isn't really real somehow, or like you are two separate people, one of whom is gay while the other isn't, and whichever you are at the moment, the other is an imaginary figment, a mirage, floating and disconnected from everything. It can be difficult to be sure what the truth really is, which is the real you. (Of course, they are both you--they need to be reintegrated, rather than one of them being discarded.) I think this may be one of the most psychologically harmful things about being in the closet. Telling your mother will merge the "you that your mother knows" with the "you that is gay." This is scary, because then there won't be any more hiding from yourself. But it's definitely healthier that way. I think it's a very good idea for you to come out to your mother, in whatever way is easiest for you. I also came out to my mother in a letter--I think it's a good method, because it both gives you the opportunity to really think about what you want to say and lay it out clearly, without interruptions, and gives your mother (or whoever) the opportunity to really digest what you have said and decide how she really wants to respond.
This is usually why I go with the Kinsey scale instead of a trinary system. Labeling yourself as a 5 is a way of saying "gay, not narrow" and a 6 is pretty much all gay.
TRUTH ^ I call myself gay, but I am a Kinsey 5, if we're being really accurate here. If you haven't seen this yet, check it out for sure. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale
This hit me so hard; it really clicked. I believe that you're so absolutely correct. Because whenever I have doubts about myself it's because I'm thinking of telling my mother I'm gay. Wow, okay, I don't have words. Thank you very much for the response. It's exactly what I needed to hear. I think I will write the letter. (*hug*) Thank you.