What To Do..?!

>>>I think I'm too "straight" in every other sense to be gay, but then I remember that I've always liked guys and rarely girls...

Then you need to get over that. Because being gay (if you're a guy) means you dig guys. Full stop. That's it. Everything else is optional.

A lot of people are scared of that last step. It gives it a sense of finality, going past the point of no return. But do know that although a few people aren't happy about some of the fallout they might get immediately afterwards, and some people may have wished the circumstances were different, I don't know anybody who, in the long run, wishes they had stayed in.

Lex

 

Well If you are scared shes going to freak out because she like religious then start off by saying that you are confused about your sexuality but if she freaks out as soon as you tell her that then don't tell her your certain your gay just yet 0_0

 

I say be free and out. If someone asks you answer yes, you dont have to tell people, if they're curious to know then they will ask. And you dont have to convince ANYONE! Seriously it is took exhausting.

 

Welcome to our society! Where women had to prove that they can have a career and a family, and where blacks had to prove they were also human. It sucks, but oh it is so worth it.

Once you can introduce your boyfriend to your family and they can be happy for you, then you'll be glad that you came out. Its tough, but its not as scary as we think its going to be.

Good luck

 

Well, congratulations on coming out to your mom, first of all. I really doubt she's "telling everyone," although I wouldn't be surprised if she'd called a friend for support.

Keep in mind, many people, maybe most people, define their own identities in large part by the roles they play in relation to immediate family members. So, in order to accept this about you, she doesn't just have to say, "tiredofsleep is gay," or even "my son is gay." She has to say: "I am the mother of a gay man." A lot of the reason it can be so hard for immediate family members is that, in redefining us, they have to redefine themselves. It may be hard for her to accept, just as it was hard for you.

 

I second this. Unless your entire extended family and friends have known you are obviously gay for a long time (like, people have bets on your sexuality behind your back) I doubt she's calling everyone to tell them.

And since her reaction was a distressed one, she probably doesn't want everyone to know how upset she is. I think she's probably called one of her siblings (if she has any), or a friend, or a coworker, and if you're lucky, one of these people is a reasonable, rational human being, and when she vents to this person and is like, "OMG, I can't handle this! WTF?!" this reasonable person will talk her down. Even if an outsider disapproves of homosexuality, very few people will encourage a mother to reject her child.

Third parties tend to be able to hold a fair bit of impartiality/idealism about someone else's kid.

 

I truly wish you the best of luck! It will get better from here on out, your mom will understand in time.

 

Do it. Go to see a psychiatrist who supports the American Psychiatric Association. This is their position on homosexuality V

- American Psychiatric Association

- Sigmund Freud

- Berube, on gay soldiers in WWII

- American Psychological Association
American Psychological Association - Sexual Orientation

 

Congrats on coming out to your mom!

Maverick gave some good advice and it can be helpful if your mom keeps insisting that you go "get help." Just make sure that you go to someone who supports APA.

Now, give your mom some credit. Yes, her first reaction has been bad, but she hasn't abandoned you or kicked you out of your house, like many parents have in the past.

She will need support and time to come around, give it to her. How many years did it take you to accept it or even realize that you were gay?

And just because your parents are religious doesn't mean that they won't accept you. My mom is pretty religious and, even though it took her some time, she is now very supportive of me. Some of her comments and concerns are still a little bit loopy, but she still loves me and is there for me.

Its hard, but give your mom a chance

Best of luck

 

What do you mean bythe end? I hope you dont mean what im thinking...

 

Not sure what that last bit means. Why friends in quotes? Were these friends who you came out to? And they kept up with the homophobia? If so, did you call them out on it? Tell them how their comments were injuring you? Because a lot of the time, people feel like "joking about it" - even in a cruel way - is their misguided way of trying to make everything seem "back to normal." When those comments start hurting, though, that's when you need to call them out.

Your mother (and friends, even) might simply need more time. You've had years to come to grips with your sexuality - your mother has had a couple days. You probably went through a phase of whatever length where you felt that if only you did this or tried that, that you'd suddenly be straight again and everything would be OK. But eventually, you came to the conclusion that this is just the way you are. I have a feeling your mother will get there eventually. Try not to obsess about her reaction too much.

Don't forget - you always have a place you can talk here.

Lex

 

I hope you're doing ok. Maybe your mom could benefit from watching the movie, "Prayers for Bobby" or "For the Bible Tells me So". Maybe she could go to a meeting with you or read some literature from PFLAG (http://www.pflag.org/map/index.php?state=MN)

Hopefully we can be a lot of help to you. We will always support you. Take care (*hug*)

 

A bunch more to say.

>>>I say "friends" because everyone I know almost was throwing out "fag" or similar all night it was making me angry, I know it's not directed at me personally or anything, but still... I can't just "call them out" on it, seriously, they'd think I was trying to prank them or something.

Well, you may need to give this some more thought.

We're pretty quick to label homophobic people (or actions) "ignorant", but we rarely give much thought as to what that means. It means they don't know any better. But how are they GOING to know any better unless somebody takes it upon themselves to educate them? As your post indicates, you seem willing to accept that these friends (with or without quotes) are not actively trying to make you feel bad. But the fact is - they are. It's like if somebody were standing on your foot without realizing it. Since they don't realize it, they're not going to spontaneously stop stepping on your foot. They need to be made aware that they're causing you injury.

There are a couple ways to go about this. Coming out to them is definitely one of them. Or you can remove yourself one step, and call them out on it in defense of "fags" everywhere. "Look, I know a couple gay guys, and they're cool - why are you always putting them down?" (And yes, you do know a couple gay guys. You know us, and trust me - we're cool. ) My (straight) brother once confronted a homophobic friend of his by saying "You know, you're always acting all freaked out about gays. Why is that? What if I told you that I'M gay?" The friend said "But you're not", to which my brother pressed "Yeah, but what if I WAS? Would that be the end of our friendship? That's how big your issue is?"

It may be that these friends ARE unreachable. That their stances on sexuality are more important to them than their friendship with you. It's been known to happen. But if that's the case, why be friends with them? Why stick around people who cause you grief? I do know a couple closeted guys who can distance themselves - who can say "They're great guys, I have fun with them, and I won't let the fact that they're really homophobic alter our friendship." But it doesn't sound like you're one of those people.

>>>And no, the couple friends that know about me didn't say anything but idk, I wish I never said anything now kind of... coming out to my mom and just a couple of friends has made me feel really wierd, like I kind of wish it was still secret.

It sounds like you're in limbo. You've made a couple moves towards coming out, and are starting to run into some resistance. It happens. It's not always sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. But keep one thing in mind over all else. Any resistance you meet may be something you have to deal with, but it's not your problem - it's theirs. The problem isn't that you're gay. The problem is that they can't handle this simple and rather pedestrian fact. You're gay. BFD. It's really not that big of a deal.

>>>idk what to do with myself anymore I feel like shit in every way possible, I'm seeing a councelor about these things and it's not helping...

You're telling your counselor all these things? That you've come out to a couple friends, your mother is having issues with it, your other friends are being homophobic? If not, definitely do that. Your counselor will need to know these things in order to give good advice. If you have done all that, and still aren't getting any help? In that case, you might look into changing counselors. We don't always end up with somebody who works well with us right off.

>>>I'm sorry, I almost ended my life last night, I need to quit drinking... I can't handle myself when I'm not sober anymore...

This. Times a thousand. Stop drinking. Get rid of all the alcohol in your home. Get help if you need it. And know that we're open 24/7 for this sort of thing - don't ever think there's nowhere you can turn.

Lex