Okay, so here is the situation every single time i seem to talk to my mom about anything, any subject, she always seems to figure out how to throw in how me being gay is disgusting and wrong and how I will burn in hell for it. Simple situation :help: but the thing is every time she says that she makes me feel horrible but my real serious question is how am I suppose to react or respond to that because this is tearing me up on the inside trying to hold in all this emotion that is just waiting to get out to rip them to shreds with my words? I don't want it to progress that far so i need some advice on how to deal with this situation.
First off, I'm really sorry. (*hug*) Other than being truthful and honest about it with her, I don't think there is much you can do, unfortunately. Maybe you could write her a letter or just sit her down and talk about it and put your feelings out there if you haven't already. Tell your mom that if she really loved you she wouldn't say those things. You were always gay, from birth, you're not any different now than you were before you came out. You could give them links from the American Psychological Association or PFLAG and show them how harmful their attitudes are to LGBT teens or something like that, maybe? Maybe you could show them some of the It Gets Better videos or something too. I know a lot of them talk about what it was like to grow up with homophobic parents and how damaging it is. I wish I had better advice to give you. I would try to distance myself from homophobes as much as humanly possible. I know that's easy for me to say but it's what you need to do if she doesn't come around.
Next time she does it, call her out on it. Tell her how it hurts you. Read a bunch of posts here and try to use the counterpoints to common arguments against gays in a calm, civil discussion. From what I understand, it sometimes helps to eliminate prejudice.
Well, as much as giving a good retort then and there might make you feel better, I think that when she springs it on you, it's best to flat-out ignore it. She's probably doing it to get a reaction, and any reaction might make her feel like she's getting through to you with this kind of remarks. As you say, when she says those kinds of stuff, all kinds of mixed emotions can come up, which makes it hard to respond coherently and without getting angry. So I'd suggest planning carefully and then bringing it up yourself. This gives you the initiative, and the opportunity to throw any material you have on the table, instead of replying to her talking points. Think of it as coming out again, only with more documentation. As others said, you can get very good information, pamphlets and brochures from PFLAG (printable on their website). you can include contact information if she wants to contact them. The excellent (if emotionally draining) movie "prayers for Bobby" deals with this kind of objections explicitely, and you might suggest she watches it. Others might have even other material you can use. And if she refuses to see reason, then it might be best to just tell her that her point was taken, multiple times over, that you know her points, and that beating a dad horse over and over will not make you change. She might not like it, but at least she might decide not to keep bringing it up.
Part of it depends on how long this has been going on. If it's a month or two, then there's still a strong likelihood that she'll eventually get past it. If it's a year or two, then it may be hard for her to come around and could take a really long time. I think Filip's given the best advice. People who are stuck in religious dogma are immune to logic and reason, so really the only thing left is her maternal love for you. Eventually, she will likely realize that it won't work to continually rip on you about who you are, and maybe if you can get her to read some of the PFLAG materials, or watch Prayers for Bobby, she'll come around that much quicker. But in the meantime, simply giving it some space is probably the best choice.
Barring an actual conversation with her about how it affects you, I'm still a big supporter of the "turn and walk away" approach. Any time my parents say anything to refer to me in a feminine way (deliberately, not in a casual I-forgot way) I make it known through my body language that it upsets me. I turn away from that person physically and won't engage them in conversation. My father seems particularly sensitive to this method. And back when my mom was having a really hard time with it and insulting me/yelling in my face, I would just say nothing and walk out of the room. Sometimes silence says it all.
If religion is the problem, is there a church elder or official who might be on your side? Just an idea but if there is you could maybe ask them to talk to her.
Well the thing is, that yes there is a major religious aspect to this and none of my church reps are siding at all they are actually wanting me to leave the church. This is why its a simple but difficult because every turn seems to just lead to a dead end and its hard. This has been going on for a while and I am really tired of having to hear how disgusting I am when I am not doing anything wrong. I go out with friends its not like I am acting like some raunchy sidewalk walker. The first thing that she ever said about it is that I was some slut that would get sick and die and she just would say I told you so. The hardest factor in this is that me and my mom used to be so close but now that this has come up it just seems they think I am a totally different person.
1) Educate yourself completely on how to come back to her points encase it gets into a position where you need to get into a debate with her 2) Walk away when she does it, 100% silent treatment, just ignore her and walk away. Don't respond. If you need to just go "when you want to talk about what we where actually talking about again then come talk to me again but i don't remember starting this conversation with 'how do you feel about me being gay'" Of course it is better to ignore her as long as possible 3) Find a new church that is LGBT friendly and start going there instead I'd recommend starting the conversation yourself once you are educated. Go "mom i need to talk because i can't have a conversation without you starting an argument about it. Why do you feel me being gay is so wrong?" then when she spouts back "cause the bible says" say "Have you even read in the bible where it says that? Do you even know what it says?" If she says yes then your counterpoints should be ready, if she says no then say "how can you stand there an condemn your own son to hell, who you are supposed to love unconditionally, without even taking the time to know why you are doing it." maybe add "how can you even call yourself a loving mother, you haven't even tried to take the time to educate yourself, you've done nothing but act like you hate me since i worked up the courage to tell you. I told you because i thought you would understand that i am the same person i was before i told you, and because i thought if anyone would understand and still love me it would be you and that you would love and accept me unconditionally like a parent is supposed to." you can even talk about "i am ok with who i am, i love and accept myself, and I know god loves and accepts me because he made me this way." In fact the churches opinion on LGBT people is LGBT people are fine and born that way it is just that gay sex is wrong because it won't result in conception. You can continue to do some awesome guilt tripping but make sure you also have the facts. Hope i helped somehow xD
Ok do you live with her? If not why subject yourself to this. Tell her that what she is doing is both cruel and unnecessary. That if she wants to be in your life then she can treat you in a civil manner or not see you at all. I know that you must want an open and loving relationship with your mother but the fact is that not everyone can accept that their child is gay and you cant force it. I have heard a lot of people talk about tolerance but really that's the last thing I would strive for. I would rather have love or hate then for someone to "tolerate" me as a person. People don't have to accept who you are but remember you don't have to subject yourself to them either.
Well I do live with her for the time being but she wants me out... So that will solve that but yet it is still hard because she seems almost bi polar with her actions (no she is not bi polar just a phrase)... She acts like I am absolutely horrible for being gay but yet she then turns around and says she still loves me. The thing about that though is the emotion doesn't match her words and its hard for me to believe her when she says she doesn't have a son anymore and that I am a complete abomination.
Ok at this point she seems to be struggling to accept this situation. It also seems the religious aspect is making it harder. I suggest time and distance until she can get herself together. Maybe research some links for her to read and give them to her. Other then that at this point you can only look out for your own well being here and this situation is toxic
Your mom is being passive aggressive. I am of the opinion that when others are passive aggressive you should be active agressive. I do not think that starting an argument with her is going to help. If she was willing to rationally discuss the situation, she would have already. Best thing to do. When she starts talking that way. Just say nothing and walk away. If you asks where you are going just say away or to my room. Don't lie and don't get drawn into a debate. After time she might try to assert herself saying something like I am your mom and you will talk to me. Just say I do not like when you talk like that and I choose not to listen to it. At this point one of two things will happen. 1. She will back down and go back to doing what ever. 2. She will have a rational conversation with you. Likely number 1 will occur. Walking away might seem like the weak move, but actually it is a very powerful assertion of dominance. You are signaling that she does not have control over you and that you will not let her drag you down to her level. If she talks to you, remember to stay calm. Her emotions will mirror yours. If you become upset, she will also and the situation will escalate quickly. Just keep in mind that any time you take any aggressive action it will escalate the situation. As I always say. Don't start fights and if you decide to finish one you better mean it.
I think Filip's suggestion of bringing the facts to her at your own initiating is really good. You wouldn't have to do this in person, it could be done via email with web links if she has an account or through a letter with the supporting documents. I also like the advice to walk away when she won't have a rational, respectful conversation WITH you. If religion is important to you, please seek out an "open and affirming church". Please also watch this and check out the site, http://www.soulforce.org/article/mel-white-sermon-video Your mom is wrong about human sexuality and religion and you can be proud as a gay Christian. You can watch "For The Bible Tells Me So" online in various places or get it from Netflix. Although it sucks that your mom is not supporting you like she should, stay strong knowing that being gay is just as natural as being straight and you can move on without her if she insists on rejecting you. (*hug*)
