Well, there is this girl, who I really like, but I am not sure if she is gay or not. Let me start from the beginning. Well we first met last year in Nordic Skiing, but I didn't really interact with her because we skied at different speeds. Anyway this year we trained together (ran together and skied together) and I have completely and utterly fallen for her. I have never felt this way about anyone before. We just get along so well and are able to talk about awkward things without them being awkward. It is so fun to talk with her and be around her. I think she might be straight but I also think she might be gay! Well here are some examples of 'signs' that she *might* be a lesbian (although I might be over analyzing as I tend to do): Well one time we were running together with two other people (one of the people was her good friend) and she asked me to run slower with her, so I did, and we ran together and talked. It was nice (not sure if this means anything). Also a lot of the time she links arms with me or holds onto my arm. Like when we were running one time whenever there was slippery ice she would clutch onto me for support. Also when (at a skiing team party) we went ice skating (I actually didn't have skates - I just went on the lake in my boots) she held onto my arm/hand as I ran around the rink to be her support. Also there are also just little things like she will touch my shoulder or arm when she is laughing. And the other day we were running down the hall to the doors outside and she linked arms with me and we ran together. Also she sometimes stands really close to me, it might just be me thinking that though. Also she does softball, if that makes her more likely to be gay , but she does not look butch at all, she is really pretty and dresses like the average girl. She likes cats too (another lesbian stereotype.) haha. The thing is all of these things are signs that she LIKES me but not necessarily as more than a friend. She might just be a touchy cuddly person. Is there any possible way that i could find out/ask if she is gay without offending her/revealing that I am gay (she doesn't know). I did wear a rainbow hat and scarf for a good part of the Nordic season so maybe that clued her in?? I just want to know if she is gay or not, but I don't want to be too bold because I really enjoy her friendship and would really like to continue it if she is not gay. Also if I do decide to tell her I am gay, how would I find out that she is OK with gays first? She does have a guy friend who I think is gay. She and her friend were talking about him and apparently their other friend asked if he was gay (he apparently did not answer, but as *my crush* said 'he had a look on his face like something really bad had been discovered and he was trapped.') She said that their other friend just kept asking but he did not answer, poor guy. She seemed to not mind if he was gay, but it was unclear, she said she was not sure if he was gay though. She may be supportive of a boy being gay, but you know how it goes, girls tend to support gay guys and guys tend to support gay gals. So I don't know how she would feel about me. Should I perhaps approach this *possibly* gay friend of hers (I do know him in person - he does seem a little gay to me, it seems to be easier to tell with guys). This is a little bit off topic but along with possibly asking him about *my crush* I could also let him know that he has support if he is gay or something (he does not go to my schools GSA). But I don't want to ask him any of this if he is not gay :bang: gosh there is just so many pieces to this puzzle. Sorry for writing so much, and thanks if you answer some of my questions!
I think you approach that guy and learn more about her and also show her some signs.If she is not lesbian,she wouldn't have such relationship with you but i dont think she would reject you from herlife.If she is sure about her sexuality(whatever she is),she would be flattered.Whatever gender is if somebody finds me attractive, thats a good thing :icon_bigg If she is too homophobic to reject you from her life, you probably start not liking her too.Rejection is a huge turn off. And don't trust any sign of being gay from outside.There are many people look like gay but straight just like many people look like straight but gay.Also its not easy to see signs for her.You can read signs but if she is straight probably she can't. (unless u make it obvious)
>>>Is there any possible way that i could find out/ask if she is gay without offending her/revealing that I am gay (she doesn't know). This is a really common mindset.. "I want to know who's gay and who might be interested in ME, but without letting anybody know I'm gay and possibly interested in THEM." And, when spelled out that way, it's hardly a fair one, is it? Somebody has to give the first sign, and somebody has to make the first move. So how do you go about it? Keep working the friendship. It sounds like you're becoming good friends, so keep talking. Imagine you had some other thing preying on you - would you feel comfortable sharing this with her, just because you're friends? If not, keep developing the friendship until you DO feel that way. At that point, the right move is to simply come out to her. But that's it. Don't tell her you think she might be gay, too, or that you're developing feelings for her. "We've become good enough friends that I feel comfortable enough sharing something with you. I'm gay. I'm still coming to grips with this myself, so I've only told a few other people. So I'd rather you didn't share this with other people until I'm ready." Going this route does two things. First, obviously, it makes your sexuality known. Secondly, it gives her an opening to reveal her sexuality to you without putting much on the line. If she's gay, she can say "OMG, me too!" At which point you can talk about being gay for awhile, and then (if you don't see any sign) you can cautiously approach the subject of developing feelings for her. If she's straight, she can simply play the supportive friend. She can say it's great that you're willing to share this with her, etc etc. And if that's the response you get, you're going to have to sort of accept that. Do NOT fall into the trap of thinking "Well, she's probably gay, too, but just not willing to share that with me just yet." You coming out is a big an opening as she'll ever get. You've basically said "I'm gay, and I feel close enough to you to share something like that even though most people aren't aware of this." If she can't reciprocate, it means she's either straight or else so far in the closet you won't be able to reach her. And whichever is the case, it's best to simply assume "straight", chalk her up to being a great straight friend, and take a bit of time to work on getting over her as a potential girlfriend. Lex
Thanks for the replies! Haha yea that makes sense, maybe SHE is waiting for ME to make the first move, you never know. I guess I just need to work up the courage to DO something (either approach her friend or approach her). I liked the way you suggested I tell her I am gay, I might use that in the future (either on her or someone else). Yea I could deal with just having her as a friend, but just not knowing if having more is a possibility is killing me. The funny thing is I have read a bunch of LGBT books and I feel like this is playing out just like one of those stories, which I actually find very amusing. What I fear the most when coming out to people is actually not necessarily rejection (I fear that of course). I fear that even if they do accept me they will look at me differently and treat me differently. Like if I decide to hug someone and they know I am gay, I am afraid that they will over analyze this as me crushing on them or coming onto them or something. That is the reason I have not come out to more people, most of my friends I am pretty sure would accept me, but weather or not they will treat me the same is the question. Luckily the one friend I came out to treats me the same! Sorry about that little rant, I just needed to express my fears.
I know exactly how you feel. I worried that the same thing would happen with my female friends. But so far this has not been the case. They still undress in front of me without feeling weird, we joke and laugh about the girl I'm seeing--I even sleep in the same bed with them. If your friends do get uncomfortable, I think that it helps to explain that they are like family to you. If you were a boy, you wouldn't be attracted to your sister, would you? Obviously this doesn't apply to the friend who you have feelings for, but it may help with other friends down the line. I think that Lexington's advice was pretty perfect. Someone has to jump first. I would start by telling her you're a lesbian, and then, depending on how she responds, you could possibly address your feelings for her later. If you are as close as you say you are, I think that, at the very least, she will be flattered that you trust her enough to tell her. In terms of the signs that you described, they are pretty ambiguous, so it's hard to tell. Good luck!
It's a common fear. But rarely that justified. Will they look at you different? Yes. But not because they now dislike you or anything. But because their picture of you is now clearer. When we first meet someone, our image of them is somewhat vague. But as we learn more, the picture becomes clearer. By coming out to your friends, the main effect will be to provide another piece of the puzzle as to who you really are. And most people can handle this puzzle piece just fine. Lex
If a friend pulls away when you try to hug her, that may be a lesser rejection than if she were to cut you out of her life, but it's still rejection. The rejection of physical affection can be very painful. Part of your fear is caused by the history of society thinking that gay people are perverts; "perversion" has connotations of "unclean" and "untouchable." It is much worse to be branded with perversion than with mere immorality. You could commit terrible crimes, even murder, without worrying that loved ones would think you were too disgusting to touch. They might be very angry and disappointed, but not disgusted. Where other kinds of "immorality" are seen as behavioral and transitory, "perversion" marks someone as indelibly, permanently filthy. This, obviously, is a profound rejection and denial of someone's humanity. However, I think that most people no longer feel this way about homosexuality--and if they do, they stop when they know that someone they care about is gay. They realize that you aren't a pervert, and that everything you do isn't sexually motivated, and that what they had previously thought about gay people is wrong. (Well, this is what usually happens, anyway.) My experience has been, that if you do not act any differently, they will not respond to you differently. My friends still hug me. (*hug*)
