2 Girls, and oh so much confusion! (This is really long, sorry-girls are complicated)

Okay, so I am new to the LGBTQ community, and I was sort of initiated into things when the girl I am casually seeing (we can call her Sarah) kissed me in front of everyone at the bar where she works. Everyone at the bar pretty much knows what's going on now, and they are like a family, so they do gossip some (it's also a small town, so word gets around). Here's the kicker--Sarah is in a polyamorous relationship. She has a primary partner who is f to m transgendered (let's call him Jordan). I have seen Jordan a bunch, as he works at another bar in town. I have hung out with Jordan and Sarah and their friends a few times, and Sarah has even told me that Jordan doesn't mind my being affectionate toward her when he's around (I have, however, never initiated physical contact with Sarah in Jordan's presence--I am still getting used to it). A few weeks ago, Jordan started working at Sarah's bar. This made things awkward for me, as I no longer felt that I could be physical with Sarah at her bar, especially when Jordan was working. In addition, even though Sarah says that Jordan likes to see other people be affectionate toward her, she is kind of standoffish with me when Jordan is at the bar. I don't really mind this, though, because I feel standoffish as well, and I want to be respectful of Sarah's primary relationship with Jordan. I haven't hung out with Sarah since Jordan started working there, but things with us a pretty casual anyway, so I didn't really think anything of it, at first. We're both pretty busy in general.

A few nights ago, though, I was at Sarah's bar (she was working), and Jordan came in. I was hanging out with some mutual friends, and Jordan also brought along some of their other friends, so we were all hanging out. I was having a conversation with one of the other people at the table, and Jordan sort of jumped in, and basically shut me down (the conversation involved the use of gender roles in latin dancing. The reader's digest version is that I was saying that, in the context of dancing, I only use the words male and female to denote part 1 and part 2 of the dance. One person has to dance one part, and the other has to dance the other. It doesn't matter who leads and who follows [although leadership roles were obviously historically reserved for men] but both partners simply can't dance the same part, it doesn't work). I felt like Jordan was both insulting my intelligence, and trying to make me look like a fool, so a bit of a heated debate ensued (I went to a very LGBTQ conscious college, and have a lot of queer and trans friends, so I feel very strongly about gender role issues, and consider myself to be quite knowledgeable). It was a brief tiff, and I diffused the situation by going off to dance with one of our friends, but I got the sense that Jordan was upset with me. After I had finished dancing, I went up to Jordan and asked if I had upset him. I explained that I didn't mean to, and we sort of made up, if you will. I guess my question is, am I reading into this? Was it just a tiff, or is he trying to express to me that he's actually not okay with my seeing Sarah? Or was it about his being trans in some way? That's part one.

Part two came after Jordan left that night. I stayed behind and began hanging out with a girl (let's call her Lisa) that my friend (a guy who also works at Sarah's bar--let's call him Rick) is seeing. (Rick had introduced me to Lisa the previous week, and I kept her company as Rick worked. I danced with her, and we had a good time. My gaydar did, however start to tingle a little. I told Rick that I didn't think Lisa was straight, and he assured me that she was--this was all last weekend.) So I'm hanging out with Lisa a few nights ago, right after having gotten into the tiff with Jordan, and at this point Jordan is gone. We're chatting, and Lisa tells me that she slept with Rick last weekend. I asked her how it was, and she said that he had actually lost his erection on Saturday night, so they couldn't have sex until Sunday morning. She describes the whole thing as good, but not great. I, being a friend of Rick's, tell Lisa that I have heard that Rick is great in bed (really I haven't heard this from anyone but Rick, but I'm trying to help him out!) Lisa, having heard that I'm a lesbian, starts to ask me about what kind of girls I like, why I like girls, et cetera. Because I'm such a new and gung-ho lover of women, I start shooting my mouth off. I tell her that I like Sarah (who is tending bar--Lisa and I are at the bar, so I just point Sarah out to her), and I start to explain why I like women. I tell Lisa that Sarah and I haven't hooked up in a while, and that I think we're just going to be friends, but that she's a great girl, so I'm fine with it. I start talking about how soft women are, and how good they smell, and there's no stopping me! After I snap out of my happy-go-lucky daze, I realize that Lisa is looking at me. And not like a friend either. I look back at her, and I say "you're not straight, are you?!" She replies by saying that she went to an all-girls college, and gives me a look akin to a wink, and smiles. She asks me if I think she's attractive, and I playfully tell her that she's bad, and that I wouldn't do that to Rick. We go and dance for a while (it's Latin night, so we're Salsa dancing), and rather than keep a safe distance, she pulls me into her chest. I forgot to mention that Rick is working! He's there, watching me dance with her, but he's "positive" that Lisa is straight, so he doesn't think anything of it. I whisper in Lisa's ear that I'm not hooking up with her, and she retorts that Rick has no claim to her! I continue to politely dodge her passes for the rest of the evening, but I have to admit that I'm having a good time.

While all of this is going on, Sarah is still working at the bar, so she sees me flirting with Lisa. Jordan is gone now, so she comes up to Lisa and I and asks me if I want to go out with her next week; I say "sure." I'm pretty engaged in the Lisa situation, though, and I find that I'm kind of ignoring Sarah. Sarah comes back a few minutes later, and asks me which day we should go out, and I'm still distracted by Lisa, so I only half way engage her. We make plans, and she goes off to make a drink. I don't know why, but given how Jordan had behaved toward me, I thought that maybe Sarah wanted to have lunch so that she could tell me that we couldn't see each other romantically anymore. I Told Lisa this, and she told me that the exact opposite was true. Lisa thought that Sarah had become jealous at my flirting with Lisa, and was definitely still interested in me. Looking back on things, it does seem like Sarah half way likes me because I'm not all over her and I'm pretty laid back, and even ignore her sometimes.

So my second question is, what should I expect from this lunch with Sarah? Is it a "let's be friends" lunch? Or is it possible that she DOES like it when I ignore her, so it's not a "friend" lunch at all? And if it is a "friend" lunch, is it really necessary? With men, I never had to say, "that was fun but let's just be friends." We were hooking up, and then we weren't; it was simple. Is there any reason to think that women are any different? I just don't want to be blindsided. I'd like to know what to expect.

And my third question is, do I tell Rick about Lisa? I know that Lisa's off limits, and I wouldn't hook up with her, but should I tell Rick that she's hitting on me?

I know this is long, but I'm so confused! And I need some answers because Lisa wants to go out dancing tonight, and of course Rick thinks it's a good idea and wants me to keep her company while he's working!

Help! What's the deal with these women? What's the deal with this supposed poly relationship that Sarah's in? What do I do?!

 

Re: 2 Girls, and oh so much confusion! (This is really long, sorry-girls are complica

This is a little crazy, but I don't really mind at this point in my life. I got out of a 3-year relationship in July, and I have never really gotten to have fun like this, so it doesn't bother me. What does, however, bother me, is not knowing that Jordan's really okay with my seeing Sarah. Sarah says so, and I know that Jordan sees other people, but I have heard that I'm the first person that Sarah has seen outside of the primary relationship, so I fear that Jordan might secretly be more amenable to polygamy than polyamory, if you know what I mean. He's fine with it as long as he's doing it, but when Sarah does it maybe it's less okay? I don't know because I feel like I can't talk to him about it. I'm not seeing him, so it seems like it would be inappropriate to bring this up with him.

I would like to continue to be physical with Sarah. I don't want a serious relationship right now, so I have this idea in my head that Sarah is perfect because she already has a primary partner, and so there's no danger of her wanting that from me. I like her as a person, and I'm attracted to her. I said that I'd be okay with being friends with her because I would be fine with it. But if I had to choose I would definitely like to continue to be affectionate toward her.

As far as Lisa is concerned, of course I want to hook up with her! But I do have morals, and I think that Rick would be hurt, so I won't hook up with her. Even if he doesn't have to know, I would know, and I wouldn't be okay with it. So that's out of the question. It's the friend part of me that wants to tell him that she's not who he thinks she is. I don't want him to get hurt.

Lastly, what do you make of Jordan's picking a fight with me? Was it about gender roles or was it about Sarah???