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just fucked and cursed i guess.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bromazepam, Feb 26, 2006.

  1. bromazepam

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    hello ppl. i've deleted my perv posts so now i can speak clarely. i'm young. and i tried to open my closet at september/05 to my mom. and she just freaked out. she forced me to stop talking with EVERYBODY i used to talk. she was spying me. she is my teacher at school (she teachs at the same school i study) and she knows all the students and who they are and how they are. so is easy to her to "spy and control" me. she say a lot of vulgar stuff to me. insults me. makes a lot of indirects. i just don't know how to say all the she shits that she keeps saying to me everyday since 09/september/2005. i'm pleny isolated. and at 02/march my school will start. i just can't talk with anyone. she puts ppl to spy me at school. i'm so scared. ii'm having panic attacks almost everyweek when i go out to buy groceries with her, because sometimes we see guys that she knos i have maked out, and she starts the usual talk about faggots, and a girlie who will be eaten by a nasty perverted gay who just wants sex to fuck your butt and screw up with your life, i know there is bad ppl and good ppl. and she says she is shamed of me. that i'm not the son who she give birth someday. until the day i told her i was surely that i was bi, and i said to her after a baad discussion with a friend that i lost after this episode... i said i was bi. i said to her i was bi. and she said and done a lot of bad things to me. i just figured out that i'm GAY. i knew it since i had my firts thoughts... but i was in denial... and know if i talk to her that i'm gay she will just freak out again because i'm just wearing a mask and pretending that i've changed as she proppouses all these days since 09/sep/2005. sorry my bad english. i'm just worried. i have so much angst. and it hurts. hurts a lot... she says that my uncles will never like me as they does if i they just think about i'm being gay. so i decided to study hard this year to join a GREAT college and move from home. at least this she aproves. i have so much to talk but i just don't know how to put the words on. i'm sorry.

    just to complete... i'm wearing mask and i'm pretending to her that i've changed. i just can't see she suffering and saying that i'm not normal... i know i'm perfectly normal. and is she who has a problem. not me. i just don't know how to manage her and make her understand me and my position. looks like to me that she doesn't want to understand and don't even respect it.

    ah. i'm in the last year of high school.


    she has never talked to anyone, not even to my father about it, and she is completely ashamed about this. ashamed to death.

    sorry my fucking damn english.

    i'm brazilian.
     
  2. Proud1p4

    Proud1p4 Guest

    Well looks like i'm the only one who could brave the englsh:eusa_thin ....hahaha i'm just joking with you...umm...i hope you can read english cuz i don't know a damn word in brazilan...well honestly...grade 12 and she's still being a bitch?...sorry to be crude...but if she's not going to be accepting then whatever...honestly....once you graduate...leave...just leave her...tell her " i'm gay...and i'm gone "....then off you go...let her work it out...if she doesn't...whatever...your gay...you can't help it...let the hag rot...i wouldn't put up with it...as for the " you no longer my son i gave birth to" ....tell her " you not as good a mother as i thought you were either " ...well maybe a little less hostile...i'm just get really pissed when i hear of parents like this...anyway...you are what....18 years old now? ....if i have the guts to stand up to homophobes and my own parents at 14...certainly you can muster up the courage at 18:slight_smile: ...
     
  3. imad

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    Welcome, bromazepam!

    Wow. First of all, Wow because you worked up the courage to post in this forum. Second, Wow because you were willing to struggle with English to convey your problem. Finally, Wow because you're able to not go crazy after having survived the hell your mom has been putting you through.

    Keep in mind, though, that your mother really cares about you. While it's not necessarily a good thing that she's criticizing you so much, she's really, really stressed. It's probably a good idea not to tell her that you're completely gay yet, and to try to keep things under control by comforting her. I think that for now, the mask that you're wearing can be a good temporary solution. It's not much, but the best advice I can scrape up is this: until you go to college and move away from home, don't let what your mother says about homosexuality affect you emotionally.

    ok, I'll stop here for now and wait for joeyconnick to do his thing :tongue:
     
  4. bromazepam

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    oh god imad.


    this just touched deeply on me. and it's the damn true. actually i assumed a "indiferent" face about gays. when she say the stuffs i just say "let them fuck them all" like indiference... and i'll keep wearing my mask but is so hard to dump all the friends. and try to explain to everyone. because she prohibitted me to talk to everyone that she suspects that are gay (this include everybody that not fits perfectly at the social pattrons, like if a girl uses a red hair, to my mother she just can be a LESBIAN. or if a boy like to wear black clothes, the boy just can be a GAY to her.) so is this.

    and i'm just supporting all the angst and panic attacks because i'm taking some medication. and its helps a LOT!

    thank for the support guys!
     
  5. michaelf

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    :bang: :bang:

    What a remarkblely open and honest posting. You are dealing with a lot of important issues besides that of being "gay" and you should be congratulated for the mature manner in which you are trying to deal with a difficult situation.

    Please continue posting so we know how you are doing and so that all of us can be there to offer support during these trying times.

    Teen years are not always that easy to deal with, but you seem to be making a fine effort to deal with the issues you face.

    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  6. goratrix

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    Look, try to ignore her. It is hard, even if you put a brave face... I hope your plans of going away to college work out :slight_smile:

    About contacting with your friends... do they know you're gay? and do they know what you're going through? Perhaps explaining them would be good for you, and they can give you emotional support. Know that you don't actually have to talk to them in person, you can use internet... for this post I take it that your mother doesn't monitor your internet activities... so perhaps send e-mails to your friends explaining everything could help you mainatin a relationship with them. In the meantime, just try to be strong and if you can try to look for support groups.

    You're from brazil, but you don't say from what city. If you are in any of the big cities (sao paolo, rio de janeiro) you'll find support, I don't know in other smaller cities...

    Anyway... all I can say is be strong, you show extreme courage and sense of self in your post, so you'll be all right :slight_smile:

    Eu nao falo portuges... sorry :S (and don't ask about accents and tildes, I never know where to put them... :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:)
     
  7. joeyconnick

    joeyconnick Guest

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    Gosh no pressure, huh? :slight_smile:

    bromazepam, your situation really sucks, which I'm sure you know better than we do. The advice people have given is good, namely to hold off revealing anything more to your mum.

    I would really recommend you do whatever it takes to maintain some of your friendships. If that means meeting people secretly, well... you need someone to talk to, obviously. I guess that would have to be outside of school if your mother is as insanely controlling as you've described.

    It might be important, if your mother doesn't let up on the anti-gay comments, to ask her why exactly she thinks you told her you were bi. What I guess I'm trying to get at is she seems to have worked herself into a frenzy and does not seem rational in the slightest. Maybe you need to point out the obvious to her, namely that you weren't trying to hurt her or disappoint her and in fact you told her because you wanted to trust her. It might not mean anything to her but maybe it would shock her enough to get her to think for a second. She seems like she's being VERY selfish about this, like it's all about her, when really of course it's all about you. Sometimes people who are that worked up need a really good METAPHORICAL slap to the face (that is, don't actually hit her... but try to find some way of getting through her panic).

    If you're getting anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds, I assume you have a psychiatrist? I wouldn't normally recommend speaking to just any medical professional but maybe you could talk to them? You'd have a better idea if that were a good idea than we would, I'm sure.

    It sounds like your biggest immediate problem is isolation--I'm pretty sure if that could be dealt with, you'd be able to deal with everything else a lot more easily. I mean, maybe your mother won't be okay with it for a long time but perhaps she could be made to shut up about the whole thing. I can't imagine how horrible that must be for you.

    Okay, well... I guess I don't have anything terribly revelatory to add but maybe the bits and pieces will all add up to something helpful.

    Let us know how things go!
     
  8. imad

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    *cough*
    I had decided to edit that out to avoid being rude, but it was too late. :icon_redf
     
  9. joeyconnick

    joeyconnick Guest

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    Oh no worries... I thought it was funny and relatively complimentary.

    It IS pretty annoying how you can't edit your post after a certain time period, though. What is the point of time-limited editing (vs. editing at any point)? Seems uber-dumb to moi.
     
  10. Paul_UK

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    I have started a new thread for that here http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?p=4232#post4232