5 years ago, I met a girl in highschool, lets call her Girl1. We became good friends. We always hung out with a group of people: Guy1, Girl1, me and few others. At first, we all were very good friends, but eventually, Girl1 started to push me out of the group. I don't know why, maybe the fact I'm in the closet made me behave cold with them, but it was only Girl1 who lost interest in me. What's more, she became the girlfriend of Guy1, so her remaining interest got focused on him. To make matters worse, another couple appeared in our group of friends. Thus, when we hung out, I was pretty much like a vase, standing there, seeing how happy everyone else was. 2 years later, I started college. Our group split up. Guy1 was with me in the same degree and Girl1 was far away. We started to do all the assignments together and became very good friends. Was then when I met Guy3 (the last actor in this story ). He is a known blogger so when I discovered that he was studying in the same place, I wanted to meet him. He became a very good friend also. So there I was, happy with my two friends! That was until Girl1 started a degree in the same college than ours. As Guy1 and Girl1 were still a couple, she took advantage of every moment to be with him. That caused Guy1 to replace everything else that mattered by Girl1. When we had to work on anything and she appeared, they usually went out to talk, and the work got delayed. And Girl1 was even more cold with me every time she saw me, up to the point of even not saying "hello" when I was just next to Guy1. Over time, I discovered that the "old" group wasn't divided at all. In fact, they were more confident than ever. So, the group was all happiness, Guy1 never said me anything about that, nor asked me to join them, and Girl1 was striking again. But…the things went even worse. Girl1 met Guy3 (b/c all the times she went to "pick up" Guy1) and they became friends, very good friends. So, Girl1 started to invite Guy3 to the events with my old group. In order to not look bad, she invited me as well, so I returned to hang out with the group. And while Guy3 was getting more and more confident with all others, I was at the same point. What's more, I'm only invited to "big events" (dinners, birthdays, …), but they are always hanging out without saying me anything. That makes me be completely outdated of all the news related with them. Nobody tells me anything, except Guy3, who sometimes explains me some things if they are important, but he'll do it always in a way like "you don't belong to our group, you're like a guest". It makes me sick, because I was the "founder" of this group (I met all the components separately, and joined them along time), and now nobody notices me, even Guy1 and Guy3 are colder with me if we are not in college. In addition, I must say that when Girl1 talks personally to me, it's always to ask me a favor; and that her hypocrisy it's kinda evident: "Hey guys! Shall we go out to lunch? Yes? Ok!…Uhm… [to me] take a look at our backpacks! See ya!" (Uhm...I want to lunch too! ) So, I don't know what to do. Guy1 and Guy3 are still the best friends I have, and if I face Girl1, they'll probably get angry with me. Another possibility is talk with Girl1 in a friendly way, but she's very good with arguments, and she could easily throw the blame on me. I'm also in a bad position, as I'm in the closet and maybe some conversations could derivate to this context. If I simply stop going along with them, my 2 friends will ask me why I'm doing that, and if I tell, I doubt they'll believe me, as Girl1 has more "power" over them. Finally, I could try to recover the lost friendship, but I'm not sure if it's what I want. She has treated me bad when I did nothing, and an apologize wouldn't be enough…Besides, even if we became good friends again, I would fear every time we'd met because of being in the closet and exposed to an unexpected outing. So I would have to start thinking in coming out to her (and the others), and it sounds like a bad idea…to come out to a person who has ignored you :S I don't know if maybe it's all in my head or they really suck as friends. Besides, sometimes Girl1 treats me well (mostly when we hang out altogether), so this confuses me a lot. I've got good and bad feelings and don't how to manage and address them. Any suggestions or ideas? :help: Thanks for reading all this!
I would try to talk to Girl 1 about how you are feeling. If you haven't, although it seems obvious you would feel hurt when looking at your side of things, she might not even realize she is hurting your feelings. If she doesn't seem to care, then maybe she isn't the kind of friend you want anyway. If talking to her doesn't work out, maybe try to set up your own outings with your other two friends or try to join a group at your college that would allow you to meet some new people you could hang out with. Maybe if you start hanging out with other people, this group will realize they miss you and start to invite you again too.
First off, the big question. Where the hell is Guy 2? OK, on to your real questions. First off, now that Girl1 is back, Guy1's time will more or less be consumed by her. That's usually true even when you LIKE two people who are dating. So don't concern yourself with that too much. As far as "the gang" goes - hell, ask. What do you have to lose at this point? Guy3 sounds like he might be the best person to ask. Just say "It seems like Girl1 really doesn't like me for some reason. She rarely invites me along whenever you all do things, and she seems to like ordering me around." Maybe he's got some insight there. And if he doesn't, I'd say call her out on it. Perhaps when a bunch of you are together. So take the instance when she invited everybody to lunch, and told you to look after the backpacks. That'd make a decent open. Just stop and say "Look, why do you treat me like that? I like hanging out with you guys, but it seems every time you're around, you either freeze me out or try ordering me around. Why is that?" Lex
First of all, thank you for answering! Let's see... Talking with her, few things to say. If I did so, she probably would throw the blame on me, saying it's my fault for not trying to integrate into the group. I suppose this because, in fact, is what I actually do and it makes sense (I think…): I try to be nice with her and all others, as nice as I can…BUT…there's a limit, the closet limit. And because of that limit, I never talk or ask about relationships/love/feelings/sex with none of them. In brief, I don't try to deepen in the friendship, because I fear being discovered. So, talking with her could have an unexpected and uncomfortable ending, that I'm not prepared to live :S As always, the problem is the closet. But if I think in coming out to her, in order to make a good friendship, the first things that come to my mind are the moments when she has hurt me: she pushing me out, "stealing" my friends, etc…and I don't see her like a "good candidate". My other friends are in the same position towards me, and have never done such things :/ Talking with Guy3 would be more or less the same, I suppose. And go out only with the 2 friends…they probably wouldn't want to. So, time for find new friends? Maybe, but a part of me doesn't want to lose this friends …I don't even understand myself… PS: Lex, there was a Guy2 at first, but I "shrank" the text before posting it and forgot to change the numbers
I think ur friends are the worst type of superficial friends you can get. I think that these large events like dinners and birthdays are just a really boring time, and the true fun times are those times when you just hang out with your friends, which you do not get to be a part of. I think its clear that its time for you to just throw them out onto the curb and make new friends. P.S. I would not even ask, I will just walk away from them and let them figure it out if they even care.
I'm with Zeratul, if they don't value you, then you shouldn't value them so much. Sure you've got history, but you can't cling to that if it's hurting you. I say leave them in the dust and find new friends who actually care. As for Girl 1... maybe you can call her a bitch or something and then break ties. If your story is accurate, then she's not the type of person to be around at all.
Uhm...But don't you think it's maybe my fault? She's nice with all others and the main difference between them and me is the confidence they have with her. Maybe she finds nothing interesting on me and simply tries to be nice whenever she remembers. I bet if next time we meet, I start talking about "my new girlfriend", not only Girl1, but all the group would focus their attention 100% at me, because I never ever talk about that, and it makes me a boring person to all :S In fact, if this happened, I probably would recover all the interest, and would be no longer ignored. Girl1 is more noticeable because of her "spicy" and selfish personality, but the rest of friends are more or less the same I guess (and Guys 1&3 find me more interesting because we share hobbies, I suppose). So I could leave this group and go for another one, but it probably would end in the same way. And if I came out to my group (and imagine they took it fine), I would feel kinda like "now I'm interesting because I'm gay"...is the fact I'm gay what makes me interesting? What if I wasn't? This is driving me crazy...damn society >.< Thanks for the answers
To be honest, Girl 1 sounds like a bitch. Just because you like to hang out with some of the members of the group doesn't mean that you have be "in" the group. Hang out with those guys on your own, don't hang out with the girl who's making you feel unwelcome. Additionally, if they suddenly decide they want to hang out with you because you're gay and that makes you interesting, that kind of just confirms the whole "Girl 1 is a bitch" theory.
Join a new group of friends that knows you are gay at the beginning so you won't need to hide anything and don't need to come out.
You're going around in circles in your thinking. I think what you need to do is stop worrying about them, especially Girl 1!, and start paying attention to yourself. I noticed that your profile says you are out to family + 1 friend, whereas the exact opposite is true for many gay teens. Do you feel that coming out, and being honest with the people in your day-to-day life at uni, is somewhere that you'd like to be? If so, then do it. And see where the apples fall. I'm sure you can figure out if your friends' reactions are condescending or are in fact genuine. And it would allow you to be more open in your friendships, since you say you aren't now. That will be the good result from your perspective, whether those friendships are with these three -- plus Guy 2 wherever he is -- or with totally different people.
Ok, after thinking about all this, I've come with some new ideas: First of all, the "1 friend" in my profile was online with a known bi friend so come out to this friends would be my first "real" coming out, with all the fears that this includes. Yes, of course I want to be honest with the people in my life, but I fear what would happen if I come out to this group. On one hand, there is Girl1, who has treated me bad, although it may have been my fault. On the other, the rest of friends, who have sometimes tried to make me "compromising" questions, and always with a "laughing to me" purpose. :S So I think one of my worst fears would be that Girl1 didn't care about me after coming out and opening my heart to her, and that the rest of friends just laughed at me and didn't understand the importance of the whole thing. Yes, I know I should not care about that, but I'm very sensitive and even more when it comes to my first oficial coming out. If something wrong happened, I think I would get very depressed. Coming out to this friends would totally let me see if they are valuable or not, but if they aren't, I would end with no friends and so sad. If I had a clear "milestone" I would go for it, but I'm just going in circles. I want this friends, I don't want them...I want to come out to them, I don't...I hate Girl1, or maybe she's a good girl and I'm the bad one...and so on. I don't know what to do Anyhow, your responses are making me thinking a lot, and I value them so much. Thank you!
This is what I did when this type of thing happened to me: I made friends, I tried to make sure they were happy over me, and they weren't there for me the way I needed them to be. So I went to my college's counseling center and talked with a therapist/counselor. This counselor was the most help I've ever gotten in terms of examining my relationships with people. It allowed me the ability to figure out what I was doing and what I wanted so that I could make new friends in a healthier way. I no longer needed/relied on that first group of friends I had, and I'm a lot happier. I strongly suggest seeing a counselor, not because there is anything wrong with you (quite the opposite, you have been asking self-reflective questions and it's totally normal to worry about friendships), but because counseling can be so utterly convenient for a person.
That would be a good idea, but here in Spain we don't have the "counselor" figure Every day I'm more sure that I need new friends, but this little "doubting" prevents me of being 100% sure :S
You really think that you need to come out to your friends. You are afraid of it, so you are trying to talk yourself out of it, but really, that's what you already think you need to do. You believe that being in the closet has created a distance between you and Girl1. You want to think it's all her fault, but you don't really believe that. You think that she does not include you in things because she feels that you have pulled away from her. (In fact, she may have no idea that you want to be more included, since she feels distanced from you.) You say that she will cast blame on you, but you really mean that you think this is probably your own fault. You feel that the current situation is unacceptable. So, you have to act to change it. You can either try to be closer to them, or stop being friends with them. In order to be closer to them, you believe that you need to come out to them. But, if you come out to them, you are afraid that they will reject you. So, you can either come out to them, and maybe lose them, or stop being friends with them, and lose them for sure. (I suggest coming out to them.) If you come out to them, tell Girl1 that you believe that your keeping the secret has created a distance between you that you never wanted, and tell her clearly that you would really like to be more included in their daily activities. Ask her if there is anything else that is preventing the two of you from being close. (The thing about feeling like you are more interesting because you are gay is not a real fear. It is an excuse not to come out to them, because you are afraid they will reject you. You will feel closer to them, because you will no longer have a huge secret, and they will correspondingly feel closer to you. It will not be that you are more interesting because you are gay. Although, you will have more to contribute to conversations once you are no longer holding back.) Whether you come out to your friends or stop associating with them, you can still make more new friends. In fact, it is a good idea. If you can make gay or gay-friendly friends, that would really be best. (How are you ever going to find a boyfriend, otherwise?:icon_wink)
Thanks for the reply, Ianthe. Yep, that's exactly what happens. You've made me think, and you're correct: if I have to lose this friends, better if it's their fault, not mine. Since Girl1 is a mix of "uninterested" and "bitch", I think I should come out to Guy1 or 3 first, and then, depending on how things go, I would go for her. And, of course, I have to make new friends, better ones! Well, I think now I have a clearer idea of all this, however, if someone still wants to share any advice, I will love to hear it! Thank you all guys!
