Ok I have a pretty ugly situation here and I don't know HOW to go about doing what I need to do with it. I mentioned I am sure I want to start a relationship with a guy in my last post here but I should have stated on a physical level. Because I have been dating a guy online for a while now and well we have gotten pretty close. Here is the thing, he is not what I want in a boyfriend personality wise or in the looks department..... god that sounds shallow. Dont me wrong here he is a great person. Sweet, devoted, funny, and totally understanding with me. But despite all that I have come to see I will treasure him forever as a friend but as anything more it would just be a lie. I really do care about him and its hell knowing this and not being sure how to tell him. Its not like I knew this all along, when we met online he seemed too good to be true and well I crushed on him and it spun from there. But recently a friend asked me to go over a project with her and write out what we want in a mate physically, emotionally, and spiritually. That's when I saw that he matched almost NONE of what was on my list. I realized when I fantasize its not about him but someone much different. In other words I like him but don't love him, I value him as a good friend and first real boyfriend but not someone I can be with long term. Things have started to get more serious with me getting out and him mentioning meeting his family and flying out to see each other...... I don't know how to break this to him. I really, really cant stand the idea of hurting him. He has been better to me then any person I have ever dated and helped me figure out so many things. How do I break this to him gently? How can I minimize the hurt. I don't want to keep lying to the one person that's NEVER hurt me or lied to me in a relationship. I cant keep this up and I don't want him to suffer because I am not being totally honest. I may not be out right lying to him but I sure as heck aint telling the whole truth.
I can't tell you how to minimize the hurt, but I can tell you that no matter how you go about it he will try to convince you to give him a second chance for him to try and change and make you fall in love with him. I've been in that situation a couple times, and from what I can tell, nothing you can say can make it that much less painful. If he loves you, truly loves you, then he will not ask you/beg you to stay because he will want you to be actually happy. How to go about it depends on you; how do you think he will react? Crying, anger, etc....? It's painful to be rejected by the person you love, but remember that it's almost as painful to break someone's heart as it is to have a broken heart. You should explain to him how much it hurts you to have to hurt him and that you wish more than anything that he was what you wanted. Try and get him to relate to your situation while you break it to him. It's always hard for me when someone loves me but I don't love them back. I always wish I could love them back because then my life would be perfect because I would be in a great relationship with someone who really cares about me. If you don't love them back, however, it is not meant to be and lying in the end will hurt more than telling the truth.
First of all: rest assured: you're not a terrible person. Sometimes relationships don't work out. That doesn't mean that one of you is in the wrong, but just that after some exploring, you found out that there's something essential missing. Just because you found that out first doesn't mean you're in any way in the wrong. I'm afraid I can't provide you with a hurt-free way of breaking up with him. If he didn't see it coming, it will be a bitter pill to swallow. And if you try to soften the blow, he might either not get the message (thinking: "Bibliophile is just having a hard time right now, but I'm sure he'll come around") or think there is still hope ("If only I do X, I'm sure he'll fall in love with me again!"). Especially in online relationhips, where you already miss body language, clarity is important. So the best way of breaking up is to be fortright. Tell him that, while you honestly crushed on him, the feeling didn't stick, and that you don't feel there's any chance at it working out long-term. That you really like him as a friend, but that you no longer see potential for anything other than a friendship. It's hard, yes (I guess not unlike coming out is hard), but if you bring it honestly and with compassion, I'm sure he'll find a way to deal with it. And after some time of keeping distance, you might even find a way to salvage the friendship. I guess this isn't any miracle advice you'd like to hear. You already know what you need to do. All that's left is to do it. Much (*hug*) and if you want to talk about it more, we're here to talk!
*Sigh* You're both right. I just really dont want to hurt someone thats done so much good for me. In the end though its going to hurt and I cant do anything to change that. I just have to tell him and let him down as easily as I can. I dont know if it will cause me to lose him as even a friend but it needs to be done.
