Ok, here’s my situation. I’m 16 and I’m 100% sure that I’m gay. Though it’s taken a while I would say I’ve reached a stage where I accept this as a part of who I am. In spite of this I’ve in no way, shape or form ‘come out’, as it were. At the moment I can’t decide whether or not to do so. Of the the people i know I can't find anyone I want to share this part of me with. The friends I have are exceedingly superficial, I wouldn’t feel comfortable coming out to any of them. It’s a group mostly made of girls and a couple have jokingly said I’m like a ‘gay best friend’. If I were to come out to them I think I’d be a sort of token- they’d treat me as their ‘gay friend’, not as me. The same goes for my mum really; I think she would be supportive, but to the extent of being patronising- involving herself in this aspect of my life to prove she’s ok with it. My Dad isn’t a big part of my life, so I wouldn’t comfortable, or even obliged to tell him. All in all I really don’t feel I have anyone to turn to with this (other than strangers on the internet of course :icon_bigg ). This is on top of worries about people just in general in school- I don’t know of any other gay students at my school, and people aren’t exactly open minded to the idea (at my school being gay is used as a default insult). Another problem I have is that I can’t see how coming out will get me anywhere. Like I say there aren’t any other gay people at my school, so any chance of any progression beyond coming out will be minimal. I kind of think I might be best off just waiting until I go to university- that way I can have a fresh start without having to worry as much about how i'm percieved. I realise that at the end of the day I’m not in a situation where I'll be in any real trouble if i came out, and my reluctance on my part might just be stupid arrogance. But overall I can’t help but feel coming out at this point will hinder, rather than help me... Thoughts?
U don't have to come out until you're ready, If you feel that you can't trust the person then don't, but if you feel that the person will be supportive, then do so. I wish I could help more with this situation :/
Thanks for the advice Vampirekid. I suppose it's difficult to give advice due to all the random details specific to me. Any outside input is helpful so thanks .
I don't see why you need to come out to anyone. If you don't trust them someone then you shouldn't. You said you really don't think it would affect anything positively from doing it so why bother. Besides it doesn't really effect them so it isn't really their business. I mean it is nice to have someone to talk to but if you really can't trust anyone there are always people here who will talk with you.
It comes down to what you want. If you want the people you are close to (like your mom) to know this about you and you think they will be excepting, then go ahead! Likewise, if you aren't ready or just don't feel like there is any reason to say anything then you don't have to say anything. You sound like you are comfortable with yourself and ready to tell people, but it also seems like it isn't urgent or at the top of your to-do list... so i think you will be happy with either way you go with
Coming out is not an all-or-nothing proposition, as I think you realize. So, I'll address the different parties to whom you could potentially come out separately. But first, I'll say that being out to someone, at least one person, is really a lot better for you psychologically and emotionally. And generally, I think it's better to look at this from the other direction--rather than saying, why should I tell so-and-so, it should be, why shouldn't I tell so-and-so. Believe me, it's much better to require compelling reasons to stay in the closet rather than to come out. Once you're out, you realize that the closet is a stressful, lonesome place. Most people wish they had come out sooner, myself included. I'll start with the general, and work to specifics. Your school sounds typical, from what I understand. But you are absolutely wrong about one thing: there are other gay people at your school. You just don't know that they're gay. You don't know who they are, and they don't know who you are, either. This is because none of you are out. From what you said, it sounded to me like if you knew someone were gay, you would consider telling that person about yourself. Surely you realize, that also works the other way: if you are out, other secretly-gay people will have the option of coming out to you as a gay person. You would, however, take some crap from other people at school. It's hard to know how much--using "gay" as an insult is so common as to not really mean anything about how someone will treat gay people otherwise, and you don't have an out person available to see how they are treated. So, the question you have to ask is, "Is the amount of crap I will take for being gay so great that it's worth the costs of remaining closeted?" Among these costs, you must include the alienation you feel from you peers anyway, that is,the sense that nobody really knows you--this is the reason you feel like your friendships are "superficial;" the psychological effects of living with a secret and declining to speak up when people are slurring gay people; and the fact that it makes it next to impossible to find other gay people, including potential dates. Your female friends already think you are gay. I'm not kidding: they really do. Why do you think coming out to them will make them treat you differently then they do now? They will feel closer to you, because you will have confided in them. Otherwise, I expect everything will be pretty much the same, except that they might ask you who you think is hot. Do you really think they don't know? I can't imagine a girl saying, "You're like a gay best friend!" to a guy she thought was straight, honestly. On some level, they already know. So why not tell them? Like I said earlier, I really think one of the main reasons you feel like your friendships with them are superficial, is that you feel like they don't really know you. Because you think they don't know you're gay. (But really they already know, or at least they think you probably are.) If your mother is really as supportive as you suggest she is, she will help you to meet other gay people. That can only be a good thing. She will also be able to help you if there is trouble at school over it. The concern that she will be "too" supportive is not, in my opinion, sufficient reason not to tell her. She can be helpful to you in a million ways, and if you wait a long time, she may be hurt that you felt like you couldn't tell her sooner. Moms want to know that their kids trust them. You may have reason to not be out to the general population at school. But with your friends and your mom, I think you're just making excuses. Once you finally tell someone, it will really be real. There will be no weaseling out of it. And that's a little scary, so you're coming up with reasons not to tell everyone. That's okay: if you aren't ready, you aren't ready, and you can wait until you are. But don't convince yourself that it's everybody else's fault, so that even when you are ready, you go on thinking you can't come out to them because nothing has changed. The only reason not to come out to your mom or the girls is if you aren't ready to do it. When you decide you are ready, start by picking one person, probably either your mom or your favorite of the girls, and tell her. Then see how you feel. My guess is, you will very soon find yourself telling just about everyone, because there isn't much in your life that will stop you from doing so. But just take it one person at a time, to start.
Wow. I think alot of this is very accurate. I'm really impressed that with the vauge outline I've given, you've still managed to make a couple of points that really hit home. While my firt post listed everything that would be wrong with coming out, there is a part of me that wants to (hence joining this site for advice). Funnily I didn't link seeing my friendships as superficial, as being linked in anyway to this, but I suppose it does make sense. And you are right- I recognise that people would likely be supportive... But still the idea of telling anyonemakes me feel kind of sick... Thank you for going to so much effort to help me, I really appreciate it.
Don't worry about it. That nervousness--the feeling sick--is pretty usual. I definitely felt sick, and I was much older than you. Still, in your situation, my advice would be to come out as soon as you can bear it. Until you come out, to at least a few people, part of your life will just be on hold, stuck, not going anywhere. I'm 31 and I'm just coming out now really. (I had some setbacks in coming out to myself, which makes coming out to other people impossible.) But I'm really behind in the "love and romance" area because of it--and I think other areas of my life have gotten jammed up and stuck partly because of this too. Basically, not being at least a little out can kind of arrest your development in some ways, so it's better to do it sooner than later, if you can do so without compromising your safety. ("Safety" should here include your mental health, though.) Really, it's no problem helping. I find that I often figure stuff out about myself by helping other people on forums like this, and even when I don't, I feel like I've done something meaningful with my time.
You certainly have helped. My main fear is keeping this inside, then essentially living a life of denial, while being fine with it myself. I think I'm going to try to come out to one of my friends at some point in the future... hopefully close in the future. I'll likely post any updates, and when I do your advice would be appreciated .
You dont really know till you actually do it to be honest. Yes, things are much different when you come out, but not less satisfying and certainly not less rewarding. Your friends and mother will come to understand that you are not different for being gay, but rather that you are honest enough to admit it to yourself and others. It doesn't make you weak to come out, it actually makes things better in the long run, and makes you stronger as an individual
coming out in high school is very difficult definitly. especially if you dont think there are any other out people there. people do treat you different and it sucks but it can be worth it if you think youre ready to do so. but if youre not its going to make the process so much more difficult. when i came out i actually found there are more gay people then i thought because once i came out, otheres came out to me or just surfaced. whatever you chose i wish you the best
Hello again EC. Yesterday I finally plucked up the courage to tell a friend, and overall it’s gone well. At first it was a little weird and she seemed a little off, but later she started asking me questions about it and that’s been a great help- it was really good to externalise all the thoughts and feelings I’ve had over the last few years. So yeah that’s gone well, although now I’d like to keep goin, and I’m back to square one, trying to decide who to tell. But since this has gone well I’m less worried now. The advice I got on this site gave me the push i needed to give it a go, so thanks for the help. :icon_bigg
Well, I'm glad you got what you needed. Congratulations on telling your friend, and I'm so glad it went well! The first time is the hardest, except maybe your parents. And I agree, it's great to talk to someone in real life, to make your thoughts exist somewhere other than in your head.
