I just got off the phone from a friend and found this forum and need of advice. I am a somewhere in the middle something 20’s male still unsure of my sexual orientation. I never had been in a so-called “relationship” throughout my life. I grew up with an extremely shy and quiet personality. High school was rough, but after graduation and graduating from college everything turned positive. I’m coming out of my shell more and people from high school that I stumble into at the supermarket are amazed on how different and attractive I look (I used to be the fat kid with thick, huge glasses and the pizza face who hid in the corner in the library during lunch). So here is my situation. My family, friends, and especially my coworkers are pressuring me that I need a girlfriend. They’re always telling me “You need to find a girlfriend” and I just shrug my shoulders and reply back “yea, someday” or “still looking”, etc. It seems as though this past month I’ve noticed in increased of people asking me to find a girlfriend. Mostly the people that are asking are my coworkers. I work as a nurse…. So I’m mostly working in an environment where everybody wants to know everyone’s business. A lot of the female staff in my hospital (and even my own patients) flirt with me and ask why I am still single. Some even ask if I was gay after being surprised that I don’t have a girlfriend and I reply back “no.” I feel really bad when I tell them I’m not gay when I’m unsure of my own sexuality. I’ve been interested into guys since I was 12, but there is still a little bit of attraction to the opposite sex…. I feel confused now as I continue to type this post. Maybe there is someone who was in a similar situation that can really help me out. I’m thinking that I’m probably gay and I’m still in the closet- but I don’t know. You see, I was raised in a strict/traditional catholic family and I live in a small community where everyone kind of knows each other. And that what scares me- finding out that I am gay and coming out to everyone and not knowing the type of reaction I’ll get and whether or not I’ll still be considered a son, brother, friend, etc. Sooner or later someone is really going to question why I still don’t have a girlfriend yet. What should I do? Sorry if this post was too long and confusing. I just thought it was about time I express my feelings to people who I think can probably understand what I’m going through. I'll surf this site for info that may help me in this situation.
I think you need to just go out and explore your self, you wont figure out who you are just by doing nothing. And who cares if you happen to like guys, its your buisness only you will understand at first. Do you have any gay friends? If so ask them for advice. I had more to say but i forgot... oops. Well i hope this helped.
The proof is in the porn. Put aside all the messy emotional questions, because without physical attraction the rest stands on pretty precarious ground. Do guys get you hard? Do girls get you hard? Do both get you hard? Do you find yourself looking at hot guys that walk by or hot girls that walk by? I personally disagree with the idea that you need to fool around before you're "sure", as it really strikes me as just using the other person. If both parties go into it knowing that it's just a bit of fun, then whatever, but that said, I suspect you already know the answer to the question and just need someone to say it.
Xequar is right, in my opinion. You don't need to have a physical relationship with someone to know whether or not you're gay or straight, and I should also add that you don't have to be one or the other. My partner is bisexual. He is attracted to both male and female. (It doesn't matter to me where he gets his appetite as long as he has dinner at home). But I fully agree with Xequar. Watch porn, as crude as that sounds. But it sounds like you're bisexual to me.
I get exactly how you feel on so many levels mate I've been in exactly the same situation, the others suggestion about exploring are a good way to try to get a feel on things, explore, read a bit, (I found that reading gay fiction online helped me figure a lot out about myself, even though a lot of it is erotic there's some shining gems through them that really help you understand yourself) and just use this time to explore, it seems there's no real pressure at the moment, so you have time to figure out yourself
Welcome to EC! Your situation isn't that uncommon. A lot of people don't really figure out their sexuality until later in life. And it sounds like what you've done is sort of put your sexuality "on hold". Most people in their teen years get some idea of what they're into and what they're not, and can start figuring out their sexuality based on that. But it sounds like perhaps you started noticing that you were attracted to guys...and so put the brakes on everything. And perhaps held on to that thought that you still found some women attractive to say something like this to yourself, "Well, perhaps I'm just confused. I'll just put a hold on this and wait until later to figure it out." And it ends up being a bit like your taxes, or a huge homework assignment - something put aside and looming larger as time goes on. And perhaps (especially with your co-workers "all up in your business"), it's getting harder to ignore. Here's what I suggest to people in your position. Try it on. Assume you're gay for the next several days, and see what happens. Feel free to think "gay thoughts", whatever you think that might entail. Feel free to check out guys (surreptitiously). Let yourself fantasize about guys, sexually and romantically. If you look at porn, look at gay porn. When you masturbate, fantasize about whatever kind of guy or guys you want, and fantasize about doing to them (or them doing to you) anything you want. And when you're done, don't "close the shell". Sit there, sated, happy, and enjoy the afterglow. Try it out. See how it feels. Nobody has to know you're doing it. And let us know how you feel after a few days. As for your family and friends, I've long maintained that good relationships can handle something as minor as finding out somebody is gay. It's a huge deal to you, perhaps, but it tends not to be for most other people. It IS true that there are people who feel that their anti-gay stances are more important than their relationships with other people. If it ends up one of your friends is one of those people, all I can say is he's not much of a friend. If I asked all your friends "why are you friends with porro?", I'd probably get a slew of answers - "he's a lot of fun", "we really connect", "we can talk about anything", "we always have a good time together". I can guarantee none of them will say "he's straight". There sometimes can be a short period of adjustment while they get used to the idea, but eventually, it seems most people come around just fine. Lex
Welcome to EC! :smilewave I hope we'll be able to help you sort out the puzzle, and hopefully have fun whle you're here. I think this sounds rather similar to the situation I was in a couple of years ago. Like Lex said, it's tempting to discover same-sex attractions, and then just hit the brakes in hopes that it will sort itself out someday (with sorting out meaning: "suddenly go away, overtaken by those lingering attractions you feel for the opposite sex now and then"). For me, being gay didn't seem like an option, so I decided to either not consciously think of my same-sex attraction, or resolve not to act on them. The party line was that it was just a phase, and girls didn't totally revolt me, so it was just a question of waiting until either my attraction to guys went away or I met a perfect girl that would make me forget guys. But then (when i was 24), I came to the following couple of conclusions: - I kept crushing on guys despite intentions to the contrary, while any opposite-sex attraction was more cerebral. More in the sense of: "I could like girls, in the right circumstances" or "she would be perfect to fall in love with. Maybe if we spend more time I'll start feeling it" - Any fantasy (romantic or sexual) ended up in me being with a guy - Whenever I read stories of closeted people, they just felt like the story of my life, while I rarely had any such reaction to straight love stories. At which point it suddenly dawned that things were probably going to stay the way they were, and that it might be best to stop waiting for that one girl to blow me away whilst ignoring the guys that I was attracted to all along. To stop looking for the needle in a haystack and dive into a different haystack, so to speak doing the "what-if" exercise can help you a long way with that. Imagine you don't have any family or friends to come out to or complicate things, and imagine yourself living happily with a guy. If the thought gets you excited, odds are, it really is what you want. As for the coming out, I'd say don't worry about it yet. You can do it in small steps if you're ready for it. It's usually best to come out to a few trusted friends first (most friends can at least keep a secret for a couple weeks or months, I've found), and work your way out slowly. And if I may play to the stereotype: I don't think your colleagues would be shocked to find out gay male nurses exist Coming out to others first is putting the cart before the horse, though. It's usually best to work on coming out to yourself first, by finding out if you really are gay or bi
A side note. I'm not entirely sure whether or not it is denial, but all the porn and fantasies in the world did not resolve my personal sexual orientation confusion. I feel like I could be bisexual, but something also keeps me thinking it's some phase I'll outgrow once I sleep around more. I keep feeling like the only way to know is to "experiment", but there are tremendous impediments toward doing that in my case. I guess the best thing to do is accept your sexuality as "currently developing" until you find out what it is you really want.
Firstly, welcome to EC You've received excellent advice so far but I couldn't not reply as your post really resonated with me. About six months ago I came here feeling a lot like you, I kind of knew I was gay but still felt uncomfortable putting that label on myself, and still felt really confused. It was after posting here, and being able to discuss with people what I'd locked inside my head for years, that I finally began to open up about it. Not to others, but to myself. I had to finally accept this thing that I'd known for years. I echo what others say about thinking simply about who you are physically attracted to. I was guilty of over-complicating things. Lex gave me practically the same advice back then, and I followed it. Instead of feeling guilty about my sexual side, I "tried it on", and the answer became clear to me. I was gay. I remember, clear as day, walking alone in the street about that time and for the first time in a long while I felt truly happy. I was sick of feeling depressed and alone for something that wasn't my fault, I finally wanted to start living, I wanted to start experiencing what my peers had been experiencing. The hardest person to ever come out to is yourself, I firmly believe that. But once you do come to terms with your sexuality, finally you can be at peace with yourself. Now that could take days, weeks, months or whatever but you will reach that point if you allow yourself I wouldn't worry about not coming out to others yet, you should only do so when you feel ready and if you feel comfortable with the person knowing. Once you are pretty sure about your sexuality, and you feel at peace with yourself, you'll want to tell others. Its a scary thing, I was petrified of telling my friends and family, I always imagined the worse - the people I liked would reject me, and I'd be alone. But not one, not one, had a problem with it. My family supported me (and we're Catholic too) and all my friends (who are all straight) accepted me. We're even closer as a result, because finally I could be open with them. People who love you won't care that you're gay, if they do care they're not worth knowing anyway. Cliched but true. People who love you, whether it be friends or family, just want you to be happy. Being gay/bi doesn't define you as a person, people form opinions on you based on what you are like as a person and your friends and family love you because of who you are, not your sexuality, or your skin colour, or eye colour, or anything else that's out of your control. You're a human being and you deserve to love and be loved just like everybody else does. You deserve to be happy
I just had to come back here and read this post after all what happened to me last week... And i cant believe its almost been 2 years! Thanks guys for your advice. I finally came out last week to my cousin... and he accepted who I am. What made me finally take the plunge in telling someone was seeing everyone i know being in a relationship- and i was alone- and how i will never be in a true relationship if i just pretend to be somebody i am really not. It sucks that i waited this long... It is such a relief to finally take the first step out of the closet... My next step is letting my best friend know... Which is going to be an extremely, difficult challenge... For now, my plan is to let people that i could trust know, before i tell my parents. Any other advice? Thanks
I don't really have any advice, but congratulations! As I was reading your original post, it sounded a lot like me. Even where your are now is about where I am stuck. I told one friend that I am fairly close to and I knew would be supportive, but I haven't told my best friend. I don't really know how he will take it - we've been freinds for 10 years and were roommates in college, so I hope it won't change anything between us unless for the better. It is proving to be a challenge, but I want to tell him before attempting to tell my parents. Good luck!
