Hi all, well it finally happened. Yesterday I felt ashamed that I was gay. I had to speak to my son's teacher and scout troop leader. My son was worried about being teased about his dad's orientation, so I had to contact these 2 men and tell them the situation at home. It was humiliating for me. I feel like such a failure as a parent. I feel as though I have let him down and can't keep my shit together so that he can have a 'normal' time at school and scouts. Now he has to deal with this screwiness. I can't even talk to my best friend (wife) about this anymore because she doesn't want us to talk about 'stuff' anymore. I feel really alone.
Well, First off - Is your son actually being teased right this moment? do the kids at school know? Will they find out? Don't feel down in the dumps because its not your fault (*hug*) It would seem to me that if your son is worried about getting teased because you are gay he has possible insecurities or maybe HE feels unhappy about the situation, In either case you need to talk to him. If i were you, i would see this as a great opportunity to teach people about what it means to be gay, especially the would-be harrassers. Don't beat yourself up about it. All the best and i hope all goes swimingly. :icon_wink
(*hug*)(*hug*) I'm really sorry you're experiencing this, but for what it's worth, it's a temporary problem. Eventually your son will be fine with it, and as long as your son's scoutmasters aren't religious crazies, they should be fine with it as well. There's always a period, and it sounds like you're experiencing it right now, where you're in that in-between period between being out, but still being embarrassed and ashamed because you feel like who you are is wrong. That's pretty normal and natural, and it does change over time. It's just right now you've spent, what, 30+ years hiding this and being ashamed about it, so it's going to take a while to essentially reprogram the unconscious message that it's shameful to be gay. Once that happens -- and nothing but time and constant reassurance and reinforcement can do that -- it will no longer be a problem. Your wife is a bit more complicated issue. If she's no longer comfortable talking about these issues with you, then she may be moving into her "anger" phase (of the 5 stages of loss) which, again, is quite normal but still no fun. If you haven't gotten Joe Kort's "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love", get a copy (only available used at present; check bookfinder.com) and read the chapters on the coming out process for heterosexually married gay men. It will help you understand more about what's going on in her mind, and hopefully make it a little easier to deal with the long-term transition. Hopefully, if she maintains an open mind, you'll both come out of the situation being great friends in the long term.
I actually skimmed this book last time I was at the bookstore because I recognized the title from one of Chip's earlier recommendations and it looked pretty good. It did make me think of you, Straal. (*hug*)
There are many parents that beat,abuse,molest,harrass their child.There are many parents being careless,cold,alcholic,druggie. There are many parents who has been in jail for embarrasing reasons or doing illegal things. Are you such parent? If no, your son has nothing to ashamed of about you from logical point.You may not be able to be straight dad but you can always try to be best dad.That's what matters most. Every kid wants to see their fathers as most strong,god-like person.Being gay unfortunatelly means lame,weak,pervertish,not manly.If your kid starts embarresed from you,don't feel guilty and don't expect him to mature enough about it.Even adults can't be mature about it.Even if such thing happens don't lose your hope.One day he will see having a great father much more valuable than having a straight father.
If you really were a bad parent then you be as upset as you are. The fact that you care how your life affects you kid makes you a good parent. And, I'm speaking from XP here.
This essentially. You are worried about your family and doing everything you can to make the whole process less painful, that definitely doesn't make you a bad parent at all. Sucks that you are feeling like that (*hug*)
There is nothing to be ashamed about. On the contrary, I think you can be proud of yourself. You son was worried that he might have to face problems because of your orientation. And what have you done ? You called his teacher and his scout troop leader so that they are aware of the situation and could be watching your son more closely. No matter how difficult it was for you to do that, you did it in order to protect your son when you're not around, you make sure that given the situation he 'll get the best possible backup for the other adults in his life. Yes that's possible that the fact you're gay make things a bit more difficult for you son, but that is definitly not the only difficult thing he will have to deal with in his life. You job as a parent is not to magically make problems disapear, it is to help him dealing with them in the best possible way. And that's exactly what you are doing. That, doesn't qualify as being a bad parent. That qualifies as being a good parent. You want to hear about bad parents' behavior ? Try me ! I'm a primary school teacher, I get new stories every week ! But yours is not one of them. Take care, Cécile
This is an awesome word of advise. I can say that you have nothing to be ashamed of you are who you are and you are prob a good parent. I would personally not want to be in your position but I know that by you doing this your bond with your son will grow stronger and that it will make you a stronger person. It is just a small part of who you are and you can't control it so don't be ashamed. (*hug*)
