i'm having a bit of trouble in life at this point. i had strong religious beliefs that kinda prevented me from embracing my sexuality for a long time, i got involved in an ex-gay ministry, graduated high school and went away to college, where an eating disorder stripped me of good feelings about myself and any religious beliefs i previously had... that, and drinking opened me up to the possibility of trying out my sexuality. over the course of the past 3 years i've grown more ok with myself, but my ED is still strong, and debilitating, and i feel like i suck at being gay, minus the attraction to men. i feel like i've completely lost myself, i don't know who i am, or how to just be and live. i'm about to go back to ED treatment in the next few days, and i completely hate myself with my weight gain. i don't really know what to do. i feel like there is no me anymore. i feel like i don't belong anywhere, like not even amongst gays. i feel like i need a mentor to teach me how to become an upstanding, confident man... but i'm constantly running away from everyone. not sure what to do at this point. :icon_redf :help:
I don't know much of anything about ED, so I can't help you there. What is the cause of the weight gain? Is it just the combination of that and the ED that gets you down? If you can, try to see a therapist or something to talk it out.
(*hug*) first of all I'm sorry to hear that, but what is making you feel like a misfit? I agree with Nazo, you should maybe see a therapist about this, just hold on, I understand that it may be hard right now but eventually things will get better, especially if you have someone to talk to :/ I really wish you all the best (*hug*)
I am so sorry. That sounds really difficult. Have you ever seen the movie Latter Days? Well if not then this will seem strange and out of context. But have you ever looked at a Sunday paper comic strip REALLY close to your face? If you have then you would understand that you cant understand what your looking at, and it just seems like a bunch of dots. Well thats us, people, placed here on earth. We cant understand what we're looking at sometimes, and its not position to fully understand. But god, he can see everything from a distance and put everything into Perspective. And we, the dots, are all connected, making a picture as elaborate as ever. I feel like if you got a therapist, someone who you could talk to with out any hesitance, who could give you constructive feed back on a personal level then you would see a whole different world of the way you see yourself. Someone to tell you how wonderful you are and how you can strive to move past these difficult times in your life. You need to embrace who you are, acknowledge what is holding you back, identify it, than try your best to overcome it.
Hi and welcome to EC I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time with accepting your sexuality and developping an eating disorder. If you haven't been doing that already I suggest that you start working with a therapist on your issues. That seems possible to me that the troubles you have to accept your sexuality are related with your eating disorder. And with both issues, you certainly can use the help of a therapist. I hope things will get better for you. Feel free to create as many threads as you want and let us know if we can help in any way. Take care, Cécile
Nazo- my ED is now in binge eating mode (it wears a few different faces) and that's why i've gained so much weight recently. that, combined with my ED, definitely keep me down. i'm also overly worried about what everyone in creation thinks of me, having some family strain, and worried about my future, career, current finances, amongst other shtuff. my brain needs to stop for a little while. lol. Vampirekid- it's something i've felt most of my life, feeling like a misfit. for some reason i'll find something that makes me too different from everyone else, and incapable of inclusion into something bigger than me. right now, specifically, i feel like i'm sooo out of shape for my usual self, and like people should reject me because i've let myself turn into this gross person, whereas i used to be hot, sort of. i also feel unstable, incapable of healthy, lasting relationships, and dull in general. lol... guess that answers your question. Tyrawr- i have seen Latter Days, and i really liked that analogy. i suppose the hard part for me is believing that there is someone or something to put all of this in perspective. sometimes it's easy to believe that there is no meaning to the troubles of today, or my life, or my circumstances, and no bigger picture. pessimistic, i know, lol Eleanor Rigby- my issues with an eating disorder are definitely affected by my struggle to accept my sexuality, you hit that on the head thank you for the welcome, everyone. i have been in regular therapy for the past 4 or so years, so, it's kinda a problem that persists even with the help from a therapist. hence why i'm shipping myself away again to residential treatment. just found out i fly out to wisconsin next thursday afternoon
Have any of your therapists ever explored what correlation may exist between your eating disorder and your sexuality? It would come as no surprise that there's some link considering what you have been through, but I got the impression from this thread that there hasn't been much exploring on a possible link? It really doesn't surprise me that you are feeling isolated. Eating disorders have a horrific impact on peoples health, and it's no surprise that this causes them to disengage in some way. Life can be hectic and draining enough at the best of times, but when you're messing about with your eating patterns and having your mind controlled by irrational ideas of weight then it's no wonder we feel cut off. To be honest, you're probably feeling alone because you are cutting yourself off from people. You've said yourself that you're flying out for residential treatment next week, which is a perfect example of how you're cut off from society. Not that what you are doing is wrong or your fault, but I think it's better to see that problem as a goal that you can work towards fixing rather than adding it onto your pile of problems. It's easy to see the vicious cycle you're in, but you also have to believe that it can be overcome. It's not about trying to be completely cured and hoping that it will never return, but about making yourself aware of the dangers of your behaviour, creating and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and having preparations in place to prepare for any steps backwards that you may take. That should be the goal that you aim for at this moment in time. It's achievable if you are patient and stick at it, and make sure that the mistakes you make along the way are beneficial in the long-term. In my experiences, it's the mistakes that help you recover the most and allow you to see where you are going wrong. Anyways, it's great that you are willing to get treatment. It sounds like there are a few issues which are contributing to your eating disorder, and it is definetly worth exploring them more and building yourself up for some level of integration into society. You can be part of the community whenever you want to be, but it's almost impossible for that to happen with the level of barriers people with eating disorders set up. It helps to have goals! Martin. PS. It's approaching 3am here and I also have a minor headache so I apologise if any of this doesn't really make sense. I had a quick proofread over it and didn't spot any spelling/grammar mistakes, but who knows.
Thanks Martin. I'm responding to this from my treatment center in Wiscansin. People talk so differently here! Your post made plenty of sense. I've been exploring how the eating disorder and my sexuality correlate for a few years now, actually. I suppose it's just been very difficult for me to become comfortable with and learn how to integrate into my life. I also agree that this is a very isolating issue, not something I really want to hold on to anymore. I appreciate your feedback. Matt
It's great that you are in treatment. You seem to be getting the help you need. Are you exploring in particular the effects of your experiences with the "ex-gay" program you were involved in, as well as your sexuality generally? Those programs are known to mess people up in all kinds of ways.
