Hey everyone. I'm really confused about some stuff with my best friend, I was hoping some of you would maybe have some ideas on how to deal with this. Sorry if it gets a little too heavy on the sarcasm! Nearly a month ago, I came out to my best friend. Now, keep in mind, about a year ago she talked to me about questioning her own sexuality, wondering if she was really straight. At the time, I felt pretty strongly that I was bi, from the time I started noticing boys in that light I was thinkiing of girls that way, too. So all I was thinking was, great, we're be supportive of each other. For whatever reason, I never really told her that night that I felt the same way. Her feelings passed over the next little while, but our friendship became this insanely unbreakable bond. We did everything together and everyone knew us as best friends. You couldn't just know one of us, you had to know us both. That basically brings us up to last month. I send her a text in the middle of the night (why oh why am i *such* a good planner? ughhh.) saying that I really need to talk to her. She responds in the morning, I had been planning to tell her in person but she seems so worried about me that I tell her in text, oh, what a good idea. It comes off sounding apologetic and really not the way I want it to. she reads some stuff online. We talk all day, some in person, some on the phone, some through text and MSN. We fight a little, but not much and not badly. At first she's really hoping that I'm just confused, she's been down that road, but as we talk more she comes to the conclusion that I'm not jumping into anything, but, of course, nothing is ever for sure. We end the day by her telling me she still loves me the way she always has, that she wants to accept this but it will take time. That was more than i bargained for. The next day, it was like she tried to take everything she said back. Most of the day was okay, but when we started talking and texting after school, she started to yell at me. She called me disgusting and a monster, she said I'd lied to her and everyone. She even tried to set boundaries for me (You will not like my friends, you will not look at girls, you will not dress in the changing rooms at gym ...) and she basically abandoned me. She talked to her mom, which definitely did her some good, and we sort of made up in this big tearful way. This seemed to happen again and again for about two weeks, then, nothing. Like this didn't exsist. That was okay with me, of course, and has been since it started. But lately, she's been less obviously pulling away from me. Starting fights about nothing then bringing in the fact that I "let her down" by being bi, demanding that I text her less, making up excuses to not hang out and rubbing it in my face when she hangs out with someone else and talking about how they talk about guys. She only seems happy around me lately when we're talking about her doing stuff with someone else or when I'm doing her favors. Don't get me wrong, she's still talking to me and sharing secrets and stuff, but I'm so confused and pretty scared. She sometimes make remarks that are trying to trick me into saying something about girls, so she can start a fight and make it my fault. I don't have any other real friends, and she used to call me her sister and stuff like that. I'm really sorry about how long this turned out to be! :eusa_doh: I didn't intend for it to be that way. But if you've actually managed to read all this, does anyone have anyone close to them who reacted this way? Anyone know how I might go about handling it?
(*hug*)This is amost the same thing that happened when I came out to my bestfriend( except she had never been confused she's straight) anyways, she got very mad and upset because she said that she couldn't be friends with someone who was gay but she also talked to her mom and she wasn't as mad but I got mad at her and did not talk to her for about 6 months which probably made her feel really bad, I eventually decided that I would forgive her. Anyways that was like about 3 years ago and we are now as best of friends as we were before and she has changed her mind alot about gay people. It's probably going to take sometime for your friend to change her mind about it 2 but u should really talk to her in a serious manner because by the looks of it she is trying to make you straight :/ ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2011 at 03:29 PM ---------- Oh btw she will probably change her mind about it once you enter highschool
Welcome to EC. First, I want to say sorry for what you're going through (*hug*). It must be really hard for your best friend to be acting this way. The best thing, I think, is for you to remain her friend, but try to find other friends as well. It will be painful, knowing that you guys won't be as close, but she's not treating you very well. I would tell her how her actions make you feel. And if she wants to argue about it, then it will tell you all you need to know. You were there for her during a tough time, so she should do the same for you. Not do the things you said in your post. If you have trouble talking to her face to face, write her a letter or send her an email. She can't argue with an email or a letter, and you'll be able to say everything you need to without getting yelled at, forgetting some things, or getting angry yourself. I hope things work out.
That sounds a LOT like my situation! My best friend's mom told her she thought she raised her better and all this stuff, she felt really terrible for a while and then suddenly it was like that stuff had never happened and she was back to being sort of nasty again. Meh. >.< Oh I hope so!!! I should've mentioned, there's this other girl at my school who is openly bi and my best friend is willing to give her hugs and stuff. It's so weird. She's one of those people who you can tell is really into equality and all that. :S The only problem is, whenever I try to tell her something or bring it up, she absoloutely freaks. It terrifies me, lol! She's one of those people who can really get their point across and persuade you, but she just keeps saying the same things to me when we argue about it. Thanks so much guys for the help. It feels great to know people do care!! (&&&)
Weird, it's been the same for me. Only my friend doesn't yell or argue. I'm just not allowed to bring it up. You need to stand up for yourself. You need to bring it up, and when she gets angry, cut her off. 'No, it's my time to talk now.' But please make sure that you make some other friends too. So you won't be lonely if you don't make up. Which I, of course, don't hope. Good luck!!!
I think you might have to give her an ultimatium, if you're ready. Tell her, "I love being friends with you. You're like my sister, but if you can't accept me and help me through my tough times (like I've helped you), then we're done as friends." Unfortunately sometimes you have cut ties with people you really love, but I think you should only do what I suggest if she continues to treat you terribly and won't let up. I hope it gets better though (*hug*). If it makes you feel better I went through something like this but with my ex-girlfriend. . . Yeah.
^^ Yep, this is so what I'm thinking. (Not my own situation, but I kinda feel like that's where this is coming from.) Yeah, TitanicIsMyLife, since you said your friend has questioned her own sexuality in the past, it's possible that you being bisexual, when you are as close to her as you are, brings up all kinds of feelings of her own that she doesn't want to deal with. If you are the only person that knows about her questioning, that might freak her out a lot more than with the bisexual girl at your school who doesn't know. (This is especially true if you are the person she had feelings for that made her question her sexual orientation in the first place. If you think that's the case, though, you definitely shouldn't mention it--it would only make her freak out more. Wait until she goes back into a more open questioning mode, if she ever does.) Don't assume that because she has questioned before, and has stopped questioning, that her journey in this area is necessarily done. Since it sounds like her family background is accepting, the most likely reason for her to be reacting badly is that she has unresolved issues of her own. But it would be really bad to push her about it if she's not ready. Try to understand that she's really just going through stuff of her own and taking it out on you. All that stuff about you being "disgusting" and "a monster" is how she felt about herself, and she's now projecting those feelings onto you. (Gee, I wonder why she "went straight" again...) None of this is conscious--she's not aware of why she feels the way she does, and is probably completely in denial to herself about any feelings she has, or ever had, for girls. It may be years or decades before she is ready to deal with it. Confronting her about it will have absolutely no positive effect, and would probably destroy your friendship. But that's probably what's going on. So, don't let her mistreat you, but be ready to forgive her and be friends with her when she's ready. It can only be good for her to be friends with someone who has accepted herself as bisexual, and, as I said, her behavior isn't really about you.
I hope you guys know how much i want to hug you all right now!! Ianthe, the more that I think about the stuff you said, the more likely it seems to me ... It makes a little more sense now where she could be coming from. Of course, it will almost positively come up tonight, because today at the school science fair my crush (a girl) tripped and i caught her. Eesh. She was RIGHT in front of me, I couldn't help it, I swear!!! <3 Besides, if I had've let her fall she would've fallen on me! BUT, my best friend was with us, while I she and I linked arms with another girl. Anyways, there was also a homophobia project there, which I thought was really cool, and the girl I have a crush on had us all go over and look. So, yes, my best friend will likely bring the whole thing up tonight and I might have a chance to talk to her a little without feeling like the bully. Wish me luck!
Just thought you guys deserve an update. Today, I was texting her. I told her I had to go because I was going to the mall with a friend who used to be really close to both of us but who I hadn't seen in a while. Anyway, she got really upset, saying I was just trying to get with this friend. *sigh.* so as I'm trying to explain this to her, my friend I was with says my best friend seemed angry at her when they were talking on facebook. I figured she deserved to know if she was being dragged into this, so I very casually and gently told her I'm bi. She barely reacted, but it didn't bother her and she gave great advice. So, she made this whole situation bearable <3 anyway. my best friend calls me when I'm not answering her texts - I'm in the mall, do you know what kind of service they have in there?! - and starts screaming her head off at me. So i'm listening to this and shaking in the middle of the mall, while she tells me I'm a freak and a monster and she tells her mom all my secrets. So we start texxting again, I respond with "mature." sarcastically - you guys think she was being immature too, right? - and she freaks again. So now we're texting, she's trying to make it all my fault. Oh, and she claims she called eight times, but I only got one call, and she's sobbing because I 'didn't pick up.' I'm sorry, I jsut realised how immature and, well, petty that sounds ... but that's what happened. I was mean, too, I'll admit. I was trying to defend myself, and I didn't do it the way I should have. But does she have any right to act this way?
Maybe you need to stop giving her the attention. Maybe you need to just completely ignore her for awhile. That was she'll realize that she's going to lose you as a friend if she doesn't grow up, and maybe that will snap her back into reality? Sorry your having a rough time.
"I'll think about resuming this conversation when you can participate without the drama.". Then, lay off the calls and texts until she approaches you that way. Block her if you have to. Lex
^ That. Trust me if you fuel the fire it'll get worse. She needs time to cool down and just, relax. There's no use in trying to tell her how you feel or anything if she won't listen. She won't get it, and when people are angry they won't listen no matter who's telling them something. It's how it works. Tell her that, give her time to mull it over, and let her approach you. Don't go back to her. Show her that you can manage without her (even if it's hard) and maybe she'll realize that she was wrong. Then she'll talk to you in a calm, collected manner hopefully. If you keep arguing with her and fueling the fire, the situation could turn ugly pretty fast. Which is also what happened with my ex. You want to avoid losing her as a friend forever, so right now, you need to just stay away from her. The power of isolation is a powerful thing and it will hopefully make her think, "Do I really want to lose her as a friend?" Good luck (*hug*).
I think I am going to try that. I just don't really know how to handle this now. My other friend thought the same thing, as in, if my best friend was questioning her own sexuality, why is she so angry at me? It doesn't make sense, and I really hope this will put her in her place. Thanks guys (&&&)
