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So I understand it gets better...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by sjmontoya13, Feb 26, 2011.

  1. sjmontoya13

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    ... but when? It definitely sucks right now.

    I've been out for about a year and a half now. This certainly isn't a very long time, but I've got to ask, if it really does get better, when?

    I get that there's more to life than dating. Believe me, I've embraced it. I have a closely-knit group of friends and am moderately popular right now. I'm involved in my school's band and theatre. Really, aside from being ostracized from my family and my romantic life, I think I have it pretty good. But anything directly related to my sexuality is just awful. My family isn't understanding, and that's really beyond fixing, so I don't dwell on it. Dating, however, I feel should not be impossible for me to accomplish.

    At least I thought it wouldn't be impossible to accomplish a year and a half ago. That's why I came out. I've known since I was 12, and when I was about 16, I realized, "Wow, it sure would be nice to have a boyfriend." Fast forward to now, the closest I've had to a boyfriend is unrequited love for straight men. I've never even been out on a date. I've yet to meet a guy that I'm attracted to that is actually gay... not to mention that I feel like the only gay virgin in this state. I honestly don't feel my standards are that high. There's just slim pickings.

    Any words of wisdom?
     
    #1 sjmontoya13, Feb 26, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2011
  2. Lexington

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    "school band and theatre" suggests that you're in high school. And it's tough being gay in high school, even now. Not so much because you're ostracized, but because your social pool tends to be "the people in your school". So the only other gay guys you meet and can possibly date tend to be the other gay-and-out guys in your school. Which tends to be a pretty small number. And if it turns out that you don't like them, or they don't like you, or what have you, there - you've exhausted the pool.

    So what do you do? Wait. Because as a famous poet once said, "believe it or not, there's life after high school."* Yes, it's easy to think that the rest of the high schoolers are dating and getting laid while you go home to your right hand every night, but that simply isn't the case. Lots of people don't have boy/girlfriends, lots of people leave high school a virgin, and no - that doesn't mean they're doomed to a lifetime of loneliness.

    If your town is big enough, you might look to see if there's a "gay teen" place nearby. If not, so be it. Wait. Still be the out-and-proud guy you are, but don't bother dating somebody just because "he's gay and available". Once you leave high school, the pool opens up something fierce, and you'll have a lot more options. (Early caveat - you'll have a lot more losers to choose from, too, so choose wisely.)

    Lex

    * - OK, it wasn't a famous poet. It was Daryl Hall & John Oates in "Adult Education".
     
  3. sjmontoya13

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    Well, I'm not concerned about being the only virgin so much as I feel that every other gay guy I know is incredibly promiscuous. That kind of bothers me. I want a guy I know will be committed to me and nobody else while we're dating.

    But I agree with most of what you said.
     
  4. sjmontoya13

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    I hate to double post but I'd love to get more than one person's input...
     
  5. zeratul

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    Feeling like you've come out in vain?

    Coming out does not set you free automatically. People don't just sweep you up and fall in love with you just because you are gay and they are gay. I suppose.

    Coming out merely lets you recognize that you are looking for the same sex in a soul mate. Why don't you read some relationship advice books and see which part of your personality you can correct to make it more attractive to the gay people around you?

    By the way, I am in no way endorsing self-help books in general, because as one of my fav. movie quotes goes "You can't help yourself, because you suck!" It is true on a technical level, you have no experience in diagnosing your conditions based on a collection of symptoms. But at least you will get some ideas and generalizations out of them.
     
  6. TheJoker

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    At least you can blame your gayness because of virginity or not finding right guy.I mean, there are many straight boys are virgin or without girlfriend in highschools. :icon_bigg In highschool half of the people are lying about their experience and other half, most of them just have low tastes.

    Some says 1/10 people in society are gay.Add that closed homosexuals,homophobic homosexuals,fucked up homosexuals-perverts,sluts,paranoids,narcists (because of society,religion blabla pressure..) Honestly your chance for finding right one will be always much lesser than 1/10 straight people have.It's like a lottery..chance is small but if u don't buy ticket you don't even have that chance.

    Even if you look like some male model, your chance will not be higher than fat chick with a bad acne problem.


    When people say its gonna get better, they don't talk about finding right gay man/girl.Mostly people around you,things you have,your view about things around you and world...those things will get better with time.


    But don't envy straight dude's date rate..their date rate must be higher so they can produce people like us in future.
     
    #6 TheJoker, Feb 27, 2011
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  7. sjmontoya13

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    Honestly, I don't have much of a problem finding guys who want to date me. I just don't want to date them. Finding a gay guy who has a compatible personality with me is quite the task... that's not even taking physical attraction into consideration. To clarify, my comment about being the only gay virgin was not about me wanting to lose my virginity- it was about the promiscuity of the gays in my area. Maybe I'm just stuck up, but I have trouble believing that a guy will be there for me in the long run when he's had sex with 8 other guys in the past year.

    Yeah, I came out because I was lonely, but ever since I did, I'm even lonelier.

    That's... depressing.
     
  8. zeratul

    zeratul Guest


    The book reading will help you understand why you are not attracted to other normal gay guys. It may or may not allow you to feel attracted to gay guys rather than straight guys.
     
  9. sjmontoya13

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    What do you mean by other "normal gay guys?"
     
  10. TheJoker

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    depressing? probably..but at least you or your lucky guy would appreciate more eachother when you get together.nobody wants to lose easy something they get hard.

    Personally i don't believe more sex make a person different than before.I'm still sucker for things i love about someone when i was virgin.On the other hand once a slut always a slut..virgin or not :wink:
     
  11. fiddlemiddle

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    Well you said you feel like the only gay virgin. Nothing wrong with that. Besides I did not do any thing sexual with guys until I reached my late 20s. In addition I dont at all have the slutty lifestyle compared to so many gays out there.
     
    #11 fiddlemiddle, Feb 27, 2011
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  12. Lexington

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    It's more or less true that gay guys (especially younger ones) in general are more likely to be interested in getting their rocks off than in a "stable relationship". Why? Mainly because they can. Straight women especially often have to worry about pregnancy, "reputation" and so forth, and there's the additional "men are from mars, women are from venus" thing that sometimes intrudes. With gay guys, they can more or less cut through that, and the courting dance is reduced down to "you wanna?" And there's nothing wrong with that if that's what you want. The issue is (as you're finding) when you don't.

    I'd say my advice still stands, but I'd also suggest perhaps befriending some of the other gay guys in school. You don't have to date them or go to bed with them - just interact with them. It may end up that one of them is just as interested in "seriously dating" somebody, but needs to get to know that person before they do so.

    Lex
     
  13. Ianthe

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    Try not to be too judgmental of people just because they've had a lot of sex. It doesn't mean they don't want to be in a relationship, it just means they don't see any reason to stay celibate until they find a long term partner. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, as long as they aren't reducing other people to objects in their minds, and failing to have regard for each other's humanity. (And even when they do, I think that's a problem only because it's spiritually and psychologically harmful to themselves and potentially their partners, if their partners become aware of their disregard; I don't think it's appropriate for other people to be judgmental about it.)

    Certainly, it doesn't mean that the person can't engage in a monogamous relationship. In some cases, such a relationship is actually preferred, but has not been available. So, I don't think it's right to refuse to date or get to know someone just because they've had a lot of partners. You definitely shouldn't dehumanize them by thinking of them as "slutty" or thinking of their "promiscuity" as being definitive of their entire being or character--that's just as bad as treating someone like a piece of meat. It disregards their humanity.

    So, get to know the gay guys around you, and don't be so judgmental of their sexual conduct--it's none of your business, anyway. Perhaps all their encounters are very meaningful, even if they are short-lived. It's not for you to say.

    You, of course, should not do anything you're uncomfortable with. Be clear and firm about what you want: a serious, monogamous relationship, and no sex outside of one.
    You are allowed to set your own terms. (If you like someone, though, make it clear that you are interested in him, even if you are not interested in casual sex. You don't want him to feel rejected personally.)

    Of course, it's much more difficult to find a partner who wants to commit to you for the long term than to find someone who just wants something short-term. That's because you are asking for the person to give you more than in the other case. (It's much easier to get someone to give you $1 than $100, right? Even if what they get for the $100 is a lot better. You have to look harder to find someone who's ready to make that substantial of a purchase, and then you have to convince them that what you are offering is the best deal for their money.)

    At your age, it's true that a lot of guys, gay or straight, don't really want anything serious or long term. That part of the situation will definitely improve as you get older, I think. It might be a while though: a lot of guys don't feel like settling down until after college, or even later.

    This isn't because they're gay, it's because they're men, just like the tendency of lesbians to jump quickly into a committed relationship is because we are women. Obviously, the tendencies are not universal; there are lesbians who love casual sex, and gay men like yourself, who want a long term commitment. But, gay or straight, it's more typical for men to want casual sex, and more typical for women to want long term commitment. (This makes sense biologically, in terms of reproductive strategies.)

    My observation is that a lot of guys get more interested in settling down in their late twenties and especially in their thirties. However, they may be open to a committed relationship sooner if they really like the person. So, the advice to get to know people is good. Don't expect them to be in love with you, enough to forsake all others, instantly. It isn't reasonable.
     
  14. malachite

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    High School is hell no matter what your sexuality. Its hard everyone, its just that some people are better at hiding it then others. It gets better when you're in the real world, when people aren't so wrapped up in "being cool" that they have to shit all over everyone else.
    I was the outcast in high school, and when I look at who I am now, I know I have those tough years to thank.
     
  15. fiddlemiddle

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    yes high school was hell for me and it sure had an lot of homophobes, and if someone did not like someone they would call them an poofer or faggot even if the person was not gay, and as far as I know it was too risky to come out there and it was also in an rural area as well. But that over 15 years ago. However times have changed but still alot of homophobes in school about for sure.

    but for me life did get better once I left school.

    You are still very young but yes it does definitely get better esp when you leave school.
     
    #15 fiddlemiddle, Feb 28, 2011
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  16. sjmontoya13

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    High school really hasn't been a problem in a traditional sense. Only one person has bullied me, and he got a TON of crap for it. It's trouble in the sense that there are simply less fish in the sea.

    I know it's judgmental to shoot someone down because they've slept with a bunch of guys, but... come on, "top or bottom?" is not a good pick-up line. The one guy who HAS asked me out on a date finished it by saying "... so should I bring condoms?"

    I'm also not just deciding to date these guys because of their promiscuity. It's also based on complete incompatibility. I'm not saying I am spectacularly popular, but I do have quite a few friends at my high school... so why I hold a conversation with any of the gay guys at my school? It's certainly not that I haven't given most of them fair chances. I have gay friends, but there's really no relationship potential there.

    I definitely get that guys are guys. Guys like sex, and two guys together... well, you get the picture. I'm certainly not opposed to sex myself, it's just that I feel that it should be at the right time and with the right person.

    I guess I'm just scared for my future. If college is so much better for us gays, then why are so many guys from the local university telling me how lonely it is and trying to solicit sex from high schoolers?
     
  17. Lexington

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    >>>If college is so much better for us gays, then why are so many guys from the local university telling me how lonely it is and trying to solicit sex from high schoolers?

    Because, as you've noted, they're the ones always ready to say yes? :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  18. TyRawr

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    You should be so proud of yourself ^_^

    You are going threw a very difficult time in your life that many of us experience, and you are doing so good. These questions you are asking are completely normal, and you have nothing to be ashamed about. Its very admirable that you have come out as young as you are and it is even more admirable that you have held on to your virginity. I share the same aspects. I came out my freshman year, and faced torment everyday. Being popular and being liked are two different subjects dear. Remember that. I was picked on every day for 4 years, and I was single my entire high school experience just about. Now I say that loosely because there were a few prospectives along the way, but the ment nothing. All most people wanted from me was sex and popularity. And they hated me for not giving it to them. But then I met an amazing man, and he and I have been together for nearly 9 months now!

    It gets better dear, just keep believing, and hold on to your morals, because far to many gay people these days dont.
     
  19. Paper Heart

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    Are you paid to give out advice? Because you always seem to hit the nail on the head.

    I sympathize completely with the OP. I am in the same situation, but I've taken a different path. I've come to deal with my disgruntled virginity by just leading my life the way I want to. My hope is that I can be an example for the closeted kids in my school. I know they are there, and I want them to at least know that I can be a resource if they need help.
     
  20. Pepsi

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    I feel I should apologize to everyone besides the OP because I totally only read his posts. I have to say though that I have never read a story on this site or anywhere really where I completely 100% relate and understand. The ages actually match up for the realizing and coming outs and everything. Anyway I remember up until about a year ago I really let it get to me that I was always alone and always had been and that all the other gay guys around me were just fucking whoever they wanted and moving along. I was also pissed that people seemed to not understand why I didn't want just sex. Then I realized though, I'm actually so young, you're still young. There is so much more to worry about in the rest of your life and when you finally met someone and have sex it will be awesome but it doesn't need to happen right this minute. Live your life, think about the future, worry about what you need to do instead of who you need to be with and they'll find you. I don't know if that helps but. (*hug*)