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Denial from the Female Parental Unit

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ichi42go, Feb 26, 2011.

  1. Ichi42go

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    Alright. I have been in hiding from this site for about a month now because the last time I was on here, I posted I was ready to come out to my mom, and I did. Well, at first I thought it went well, and I was going to talk about it in the "Stories" section, until I realized it was an utter failure.

    Alright. When I went to tell my mom, I was ready for anything. I was ready for her to cry; I was ready for her to scream; I was ready for her to say" "Oh, I knew that"; I was ready for her to blow it out of proportion like everything else that is more than a little bit of a problem, but I was not ready for this. She has gone into utter denial.

    The morning after I told her, she basically started begging me not to tell anyone; to "keep it between us". Well, I told her that WASN'T her call, and I needed to do what is right for me right now. I was never gonna go shout it from the rooftops or spread it around, but I also wasn't going to hide it like some deep dark secret. Well, her response was staying at home and not going into work (she works IN my school...), and so I left in a bit of a huff, and went through the school day like normal. I didn't tell anyone just because I didn't feel the need/desire, and I was fine all day, until I got home.

    When I returned, I found a text from my sister that had been sent mid-morning saying "Mom told me to tell you that she really doesn't want you telling people... I didn't think you were going toooo..?" and when I read that, I sorta lashed out at my mom, and told her I would give her all the time she needed to deal with it. I told her I wouldn't discuss it with any new people as long as she took some time to adjust and realize it isn't as bad as she thinks. I told her it wasn't going to go away, but I didn't want to put a gap between us over it, so, I would compromise and give her some time to deal with it.

    My mom avoided the topic ruthlessly for then past month. I now see a professional counselor on occasion, due to the fact I can't talk about ANYTHING in my school without the fear of my mom catching wind of it through the grape vine, but it's been getting ridiculous. I avoided even using this site just because I was committed to letting my mom cope for a bit before I put much thought into anything new. But after a conversation last night, I am not keeping up with my end of the bargain because she's not keeping up with hers.

    Last night, she finally just asked "so, how are you doing with that thing?", to which I looked at her and said "what thing?" "You know.... thinking you're gay".
    So, I looked her right in the eye, told her "I don't THINK I'm gay just like you never THOUGHT you were straight. I'm sorry but you need to deal with this and try to accept it already. I know you've been avoiding the topic". She then told me that she "hoped it had gone away by now". Sooo, mini argument starts about how "it won't go away blah-blah-blah..." and how "it doesn't add up blah blah blah..." and how "I didn't choose this blah-blah-blah..." and I feel like I am in a ridiculous situation.

    In that little spat, I learned that she had taken the time I gave for to try to come to terms with it to build up a case (in a 3 ring binder, printed and collated... literally) that PROVED I am "confused" and "mistaken" and that there is "still time for me to take it back". I refuse to even HUMOR her by looking at it because what she told me she put into it was all junk science and over-rationalizations.

    Anyway, I am back to square one. She told me that "in the event I am right, she will love me anyway, but I am choosing a difficult path". I told her "I didn't pick the path, but it is a lot easier than the one I was on before where I was trying to make everyone else happy". We haven't discussed it since, and I am still peeved about it. I tried really hard to be reasonable and rational, and I gave her time, and I took time too, but she wasted it. I would be willing to give her more if i knew she would use it for the right reasons, but I am not going to spend another month of my life letting her come up with more arguments against me... I spent around 5 years in denial with myself, and I can't let her try to put me back there again just because she is in denial right now.

    I just need some input right now if anyone can help... I don't know what I should think or how I should feel right now... I'm not MAD so much as I am frustrated, and I just need to know if anybody spots if I went horribly wrong somewhere, or if there is advice I can get...

    (Oh, one part I left out... I also learned that the reason she is being so supportive with me trying to get fit right now is because she thinks that if I am attractive to girls, I will REALIZE I am attracted to them too... I am going to LET this one backfire on her... because if I feel I look good to myself, I know I'll be more outgoing with MY pursuits too.)
     
  2. flymetothemoon

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    You didn't go horribly wrong anywhere. You told her, you decided to give her some time, and you said you would give her more if she were going to use it for the right reasons. I'm not going to promise you that she will come around, I can't do that. But maybe she will over time, so I wouldn't give up on her just yet, but I also wouldn't humor her binder of reasons you aren't really gay. If you do decide to look at it, I would look at it under to condition that you can sit down with her and talk to her about why you don't think her case is correct so she can understand where you are coming from, but definitely don't let her force you back into the closet or anything with that.
     
  3. Enaithor

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    I would like to give you some advice, but I have none really...but I totally get you, I'm in pretty much the same position as you. The "G-word" is pretty much banned in my house, and my mum always manages to circumvent it by saying like "Oh you know that thing" and stuff like that...and she's always telling me to take the "interested in men" thing off facebook

    In lighter news - We're all in this together~ *breaks into song and dance*
     
  4. Ianthe

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    Your professional counselor is supportive, and not a crackpot trying to make you straight?

    If so, perhaps you could ask the counselor to discuss homosexuality with your mother (telling her about the official position of the whole field of psychology), and act as a mediator between you. The counselor could discuss with her the potential psychological harm of her refusal to accept you.

    Additionally, you could fill a three-ring binder of your own with reputable science, and perhaps some accounts of the experiences in your life that have led you to the conclusion that you are gay.

    Include in your binder things that will be really difficult for her to think about, such as the high suicide rate among young gay people, especially those who lack family support. But also include information for support for families, such as PFLAG--but perhaps not just information from their website, but information about local support groups for her, including information about where and when they are held. If religion is important to her, include interpretations of scripture that are supportive of gay people, if possible (I don't know what her religion would be--such interpretations are available for the Bible), and write something to discuss the impact of being gay on your spirituality.

    Tell her that you will be happy to consider her binder, if she will also truly consider yours. Preferably discuss the contents of the binders in a session mediated by your counselor.

    In addition to mediating, if your counselor is a genuine mental health professional, then he or she may be qualified to give an opinion on the validity of the science you both present.

    Ultimately, though, your mother's process right now is an emotional, rather than a rational one. Definitely make sure to encourage her to seek the support of other people who have been through, or are going through, the same thing. It's not unusual for denial to be the first response.
     
  5. Chip

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    I think Ianthe's idea has merit, but honestly, she's just in denial, and when people are in denial, they generally don't allow inconvenient things like facts to get in the way of their denial process. And I think you'll end up being irritated and resentful at having to collate all of the information in the binder, and, given her denial, it will end up a pissing contest with dueling studies. (Except that yours are real, and hers are junk science put out by the religious right.)

    I think you've been very reasonable in not further sharing it with others and giving her time to come around to accepting it. If you want to be even more kind, you can suggest that the two of you go to a PFLAG meeting together. If there are none nearby, perhaps the two of you can make an outing of it and go to the next nearest town that has one for an afternoon of shopping or something followed by the meeting. Your agenda is getting her in contact with other parents who had the same feelings; you can prime the pump by getting hold of someone at the PFLAG chapter in advance and explaining the situation. All the ones I know of have "break out" sessions where people meet in small groups and talk about issues, so if you do a little advance prep, perhaps she can get in a group with like-minded parents that can help her.

    If she goes for that, I think it has the best chance of breaking past the denial. If she doesn't go for it, I think you can still respectfully tell her that you've waited and given her time, but you are going to start being true to yourself and you're no longer going to hide who you are.

    I think the very fact that she has already told you she'll accept you no matter what means that her denial is starting to crack a little bit -- what she said is sort of a "bargaining" strategy -- so the PFLAG idea may do the trick to help her get past it. But even without that, she will come around. Right now, though she won't admit it, she's more concerned about her embarrassment in school; she is somehow blaming herself and feels like she's "failed" because you're gay. Once she comes around from that, I don't think she'll have the objections she has now.
     
  6. Sounds like what my story would have been if I had come out while still living at home. If you want you can read my stories in this section and the coming out section. All I can say here is that, given time, she will likely stop being in denial about it. Like my parents, though, she may never accept it.

    That can seem bad, but in reality at least you no longer have to hide.

    Do your friends at school know? If they don't then I would say that it is your business, and yours alone, if you want to tell them. This is not your mother's call and you have given her time to come to grips with the fact that you are gay and telling a few close friends is not going to be the end of the world for her.

    Finally (*hug*) Hope you keep us updated. Like I said, I empathize with you. My mom can't even use the word 'gay' or 'lesbian' or 'homosexual' in a conversation with me anymore :eusa_doh:
     
  7. maverick

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    Yeah, if she's in denial, just let her run with it. She'll come to a place of acceptance soon enough.

    There is no need to broach the subject with her again, really. Just be gay and be done. She'll get on board eventually. I foresee your mom using those mad research skills to hit the other side of the thought-house as well once she sees that you are definitely her little fairy. :grin: Because I predict that she will get over it.

    Best case scenario, she has an internal revolution in her thought processes towards you.

    Or...she eventually rejects you completely. In that case, you are 17. You don't have that long until you can just move out and do your own thing anyway, either going to college or getting your own place and a Real Job(tm). If she does withdraw from you, it'll be hard, but it won't be the end of the world, either. You can always turn to local GLBTQ organizations for help.

    In your case, I'd say the likelihood of this latter ^ is slim-to-none.
     
  8. Dave

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    I agree with Ianthe and Chip and I know where you're coming from, been there with my Mum, still do from time to time and unfortunately now because I live away from home I can't do much about how my Mum Deals with it.

    Try PFLAG if there's a chapter nearby, they're really supportive and a great international organisation.
    Also try getting her to watch Prayers For Bobby if you can, I believe the film can really open your eyes, so it may be a way to open up a dialogue, and Help her understand.
     
  9. straal1972

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    Wow Ichi....I applaude your fortitude. It is so hard to stand your ground when facing such denial/opposition especially from your parent. You did well. My own fathers reaction was "why did you have to tell anyone. You were doing well, wife ,kids family..It was wrong to tell people. You could have lived your life and no one the wiser"

    You HAVE TO BE YOURSELF, and you are! I just recently watched "Prayers for Bobby" (last night actually). I would recommend getting your hands on a copy and watching with your mom. It may help her to see a true story that ends very tragically to make her appreciate how open you are trying to be and how supportive she can eventually rise in herself to be.
     
  10. zeratul

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    With fortitude, determination, and hell of a lot of effort, your life will be amazing and free. The spirit of freedom and being yourself is an infectious one. With time, your female parental unit will come along and it not only will improve your relationship with her, it will also improve her own personal life.
     
  11. Lexington

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    Honestly, it sounds like she's making progress. It may not be as fast as you'd like, and her comments have that weird combo of "supportive with a ignorant coating". Remember - YOU spent five years coming to grips with it. She's had a month, without the benefit of your first-hand experience. So try not to hold it against her too much. Be encouraging. When she says something like "in the event I am right, she will love me anyway, but I am choosing a difficult path", don't focus on the "choose" part - focus on the "I'll love you anyway." Thank her for that. Feel free to point out where she's wrong, but put the emphasis on the good stuff. I have a feeling she'll come around eventually.

    Lex
     
  12. Flying Squirrel

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    Sorry that your last month has been so crappy, but like a hand-full of the previous post said, it sounds like she's starting to come to terms with it. My advice is to be patient... which is easier said than done haha especially coming from a closeted guy. But, the fact that you emphasized that you aren't mad at her shows that you still really love her and she has made it clear that she loves you! So, even though its hard, give her time and hopefully she'll come around sooner rather than later, and you guys will be back to a good and close, mother/son relationship :slight_smile:
     
  13. Revan

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    I wish much luck to you, and even sort of envy you because at least you've got it sorta out in the open with her. I'm living a double life. One that my mother knows, where she still believes I'm straight though I've told her once before that I am gay, and my actual life with my boyfriend, and all my friends who know and who I basically have to tell not to tell Mom anything. The two are going to collide someday in an explosion that will resemble a nuclear warhead going off I believe, but none the less, at least you have it a little better, even if you don't see it. I hope someday it will finally be not "that thing" :slight_smile:
     
  14. Ichi42go

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    Thanks everyone. I guess one thing I mean to point out is that I am not holding it against her; the last thing I want is to make the situation rough. At the same time, I just can't see her dealing with this maturely right now. I know she has a lot running through her head, I know she doesn't like discussing it (and in all honesty, neither do I). The thing is, I can deal with her being in denial, I can't deal with her contradicting me. She just thinks it is a phase (and at my school... it actually often is. Vermont; liberal; maaaany straight teens thinking they are gay... taking it back as soon as physical contact comes into play), and she is grasping on to the thin bit of hope that I will, well, snap out of it. The thing is, I am honestly still on the fence about girls (I KNOW I like guys, girls are... questionable?...) so, if I ever do lean towards having a girlfriend if I ever meet a girl I am that attracted to, I am thinking this will be the proof she needs to state that I am wrong.

    As for right now, reading what you guys have posted, I've determined that I am going to be open with who I want to be open with, and I will use good judgement. I mean, I know my mom is going through something with this right now, but the fact she is ignoring it and life is going on as normal isn't too bad either... someday I think it will hit her. So, between me and my friends, I am not going to let my mom's fears inhibit me.

    I think in the end, I am just trying to avoid clashing with her. I did my part telling her, I was fair, I gave her time, and she is obviously thinking about it at the very least. So, I will not let myself feel guilty anymore if something I say does offend her or embarrass her a bit. (What doesn't kill her will make her stronger...). I know she will never disown me, college is a MUST in my house, she is proud of me for sooo many things, and I really believe that she will love me no matter what. Oddly enough, there aren't many if any PFLAG's in my area, but then again, she is the private type, and I would probably have to drag her there. (Woah... mini realization... this seems to be more about her wanting everything private and me wanting to be a little open... hmmmm... that may go into our next conversation...)

    Anyway... the topic has not been mentioned even once since I posted this thread, so, I really have no updates. I do appreciate you guys taking the time to give me some input though. I have some stuff to think on now. All I really wanted when I told her was to be reassured that there is nothing I have to be ashamed of, but, ironically, I am not the one ashamed right now. I'm still going to give her time, but, I am also going to use my time the way I feel I need to.
     
  15. stageone

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    Good for you! You are treating your Mom and your Self with respect. Continue. The rest will fall into place in time.
     
  16. TriBi

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    You may well have read this anyway (it is listed in the 'Support and Advice Ressources' sticky at the top pf this Forum page) - but, if you haven't, it might give you an idea of why you need to give her a bit more time and reassurance.
    http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=930

    Also - as Ianthe and Chip said - PFLAG have some really good info which might help her understand a little better.