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Don't know what to expect when coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dykezz, Mar 1, 2011.

  1. Dykezz

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    Hey guys,

    After a very long process of accepting myself and figuring things I have decided that my happiness is more important than what other people will think of me.
    So I'm gonna start coming out to some friends. Next week me and a friend are gonna go to a movie and have some drinks. She will be the second person I will come out to.(the first person was my sister, she reacted kinda blahh and than we never talked about it) I think my friend will definitely ask some questions but I really have no clue what to expect! I'm not a very experienced with the whole gay thing and I'm not an expert on it.
    What kind of questions did you guys get when coming out? And is there a way to prepare? Or should I just go with the flow and not worrie to much?
     
  2. TyRawr

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    Its natural to be afraid, and as you grow into who you are the "gay thing" wont seem so strange anymore. My advice is just not to lie, at all, and just express how you feel all the way to the core. And with friends, coming out is much less difficult, if you tell them you know your gay, then they should be pretty understanding. They might ask questions like "how do you know" or "how long have you known" but really its not that bad. With your parents, you have to much more delicate. For some reason it is difficult for some parents to know that their son is gay, but with others, its is expected and they have known for a long time. You have to decide what kind of people your friends are, and what kind of people your parents are and then act on best instinct.
     
  3. InaRut

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    What you have to realize first and foremost is that you are in the Netherlands. Therefore you are made up of 80% Awesome. Coming out shouldn't be a problem

    Second of all, and more seriously, the best thing about coming out is each time you do it, it gets 1.5% easier. No one can REALLY guess how people will react to your coming out, and one could only speculate on the questions people will ask. However, there is a way to prepare yourself....

    Drink alcohol of course! No...Not really...I'm just kidding.

    Just make sure that you have confidence in yourself and that you are absolutely sure you are ready to tell your friends. However, good or bad their reactions may be, in the long term it will always be for the good. Make sure you believe in this and you should be fine.

    I truly think that in the long run no one ever regrets coming out. It's just like pulling a band-aid, it kinda sucks, but it's a lot better then having a moldy stinky bandaid on your body for the rest of your life.

    :slight_smile: Good luck, I'm sure it'll be great!
     
  4. Lotty

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    Hey, a fellow Dutchwoman!!!
    Seriously, I had the same problem. I came out to my friends not very long ago, so I know how you feel (well, I guess everyone here does). What I did, is mention it before you are actually going to tell them. I sent a text: got something to tell you, bring it up if I don't.
    It makes sure you can't chicken out. 'Cause I would've if my friends hadn't kept pushing me. And also make sure that YOU are ready to tell your friend. To give you confidence: three of my friends were like: oh. Okay.
    And only one was like: I'll get used to it. Just don't tell me about it.
    But that's her. I knew I was going to have trouble with her. If your friend really loves you, she won't care.
    Good Luck!!!
    PS. There aren't really that many gay-haters in Holland. At least not where I live.
     
  5. malachite

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    I would say be prepaired with some answers. Just go with it, questions are good, usually.
     
  6. Lexington

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    I don't recall many questions. A few like "really?" and "are you sure?". (Hopefully, you can answer those without any prompting from me.) Everything else I got was mainly shrugs or statements of support.

    Whatever questions you get, do your best to answer them. And, as suggest above, encourage them, because they're a good sign. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  7. simon94

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    I came out to a friend just last week, and the questions were the best part. Firstly because I could share stuff that seemed doomed to remain in my head forever, and secondy, because it showed the person I shared this with was taking me seriously, and was able to cope with the sudden outburst of information.
    I hope this goes well for you, good luck! (*hug*)
     
  8. Ianthe

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    You will be able to answer most questions, from your own experience. However, sometimes straight people ask questions that are kind of dumbfounding, and you are so shocked that they could have such a question that it becomes difficult to answer. In such cases, it's nice to be prepared in advance. Here are a few of the most common ones:

    Stupid Questions Straight People Ask Because They Haven't Bothered to Think
    (for lesbians, because I don't like to use more than one pronoun at a time)

    1.)How do you know you like women if you have never been with one? How do you know you don't like men if you have never been with one?

    This is probably the most common stupid question. It's really amazing that people don't realize how silly this one is. Because if you really look at the content of this question, what they are basically asking is, "How do you know whether you are attracted to someone if you haven't slept with her yet?"

    But of course, normally, people determine whether they are attracted to each other long, long before hopping into bed together. When people ask this question, I always want to ask them if they are advising having sex with random strangers as a way of determining whether I am attracted to them or not. I mean, that just seems kind of promiscuous to me.

    In response to this question, you need to get the person you are talking to to understand that of course you are attracted to individual, specific women, rather than some sort of abstract idea of "women" as a group. You know when you are attracted to an individual the same way that anyone knows.

    You don't have to touch someone to know that you want to--or that you don't.

    2.) "Are you sure?" (Or sometimes, "Really?")

    This one isn't even really a question. The person is having trouble believing something so outlandish, and needs you to say it again. Just say, "Yes."
    3.) But how will you (or do you) have sex? (This one may be said plaintively, with great apparent concern and genuine confusion.)

    Since there is no sexual act practiced exclusively by gay people, it's very difficult not to laugh at this one. Explain that lesbians can do everything that doesn't require a penis, and then tell them that further detail is really none of their business. Of course, if you have the kind of relationship where you normally discuss intimate sexual details, you can give them an explicit blow-by-blow rundown of your actual or desired sexual activities, but it is obviously not obligatory.​

    4.) Are you (or do you want to be) the man or the woman?

    This question contains the false and silly assumption that every relationship must be conducted through gendered roles. Some are, and some aren't, of course. Even when they are, they are usually flexible. Answer honestly, as regards your own preferences and relationships, but perhaps also correct their assumption.

    However, if the question is sexual in nature, you can say "none of your business," especially if you and the person you're talking to don't have the kind of relationship where it's normal to discuss the intimate details of your sex life. If they seem to be assuming that social roles in courtship are necessarily indicative of roles in sex, you can correct them on that, too.​

    When faced with such funny questions, it is best to conceal your amusement and regard the querent with patience. They don't realize that the questions they are asking are absurd.

    (Obviously, this list just has a few of the most common silly questions, and is not exhaustive.)
     
  9. Lexington

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    In regards to InThe's post above...

    The questions she lists are common for people to think about, even if they're not asked. And if they are asked out loud - and I want to really emphasize this point - they still aren't stupid, or silly, or outlandish. In fact, I can guarantee that you had the same questions for yourself way back at the start of your coming-out process. "Am I gay? How do I know? What 'role' will I play?" By the time you come out to somebody, you've probably give in plenty of thought. You've had months if not years to consider things. If it comes as a surprise, the person you're telling will have had a couple of minutes to consider things. Therefore, you're not approaching this situation from the same point of view, and it's hardly fair to expect them to be on precisely the same page. Yes, if these questions are asked, it's somewhat (or very) personal, but then again, you're discussing something somewhat personal. They might simply not know where the "line" might be.

    So if you do get these questions, do your best not to respond hostilely. You can hardly blame them for not instinctively knowing the answers to something you may have taken months to figure out. :slight_smile: Instead, recognize where they're coming from. If the questions sound homophobic - even if they ARE blatantly homphobic - don't forget that homophobia nearly always stems from ignorance. And if you respond to ignorance with an answer or attitude that suggests "God, you're dumb for thinking that way", they won't feel the need to educate themselves out of that ignorance. So do your best to be encouraging. If something is too personal for you to share, that's totally fine - just say so. "I don't know if I'd feel comfortable talking about that with you, to be honest." But do your best to keep things encouraging.

    "How do you know you like women if you have never been with one? How do you know you don't like men if you have never been with one?"
    "Probably for the same reason you knew you'd like guys before you ever were with one. I assumed I was straight, and tried fantasizing about guys. But it never felt right. It's only when I fantasize about women that things seems...well, natural, somehow. And it's been like this for quite some time."

    "Are you sure?" (Or sometimes, "Really?")
    "I've spent years being sure, but convincing myself I wasn't, in the hopes that somehow I'd be straight. But yes - I'm very sure. Sure enough to start telling people, finally."

    "But how will you (or do you) have sex?"
    "The same way everybody has sex - any way they want."

    "Are you (or do you want to be) the man or the woman?"
    "Actually, it doesn't seem to work like that. If I get into a relationship, and one of us stays at home, people might seem to think that one is the 'woman'. Or if one of us is more masculine, or makes more decisions, they might think that one is the 'man'. Or they might be thinking about what we do when we're in bed. And I guess they're more than welcome to think that. But it's just going to be two people, trying to make things work for us, like every other relationship."

    Lex
     
  10. Idonteven

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    The only question I remember being asked when I came out is 'how do you know?'. Got asked this by most people I told who themselves weren't gay.
     
  11. Dykezz

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    Hey guys,

    Thank you all so much for your advices!! (&&&) I guess I'm just gonna be confident and answer her questions as truthfully as I can. It has been a long road and I'm just happy that I have finally reached the point where I can tell someone and no matter how they react I will be oké. Thanks for everything EC you've really helped me a lot.
    I'm meeting my friend next week on Friday, so I'll update after.
     
  12. Dykezz

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    Today was the day!!! I totally chicken out. I just couldnt tell her in person. So1minute ago I send her a textmessage explaining everything.after I wrote the text it took me 30 minutes till I hit the send button. Its 1:40 in the morning so I have no clue if she is sleeping or not. But I am just happy that I took this step. I am officially out to 2 people. Omg she just texted me back. I cried when read her text. This is what she said:
    I am so happy you told me this. You are so brave. You
    could tell me in person but I understand you were scared.
    A friend of mine is bisexual and she was also scared at first, but
    when she came out she felt free. You are my new hero and the
    next time we see eachother you have to tell me everything.
    I think this is really brave of you.

    I am so glad she reacted this way. Yayyy I am so happy!!!!!!
    (!)(!)(!)
     
  13. Foxywolf

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    Yay, That's awesome when you get a reply like that! Good for you!
     
  14. Eleanor Rigby

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    Congratulations for coming out o your friend :slight_smile: I am glad that she is so supportive
     
  15. MercuryLampe

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    That is so great!! You really have a great friend! <3
     
  16. stageone

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    Happy for you! Maybe it will get easier now?