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Hung up on an old girlfriend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MeredithAncret, Mar 3, 2011.

  1. We broke up over a year ago...or rather, I broke up with her. For a myriad of reasons...most of which don't apply anymore. I thought our lives were going in different directions and we wanted different things, but I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore and I'm not so sure I wasn't just freaking out about commitment more than anything else.

    Anyway, we haven't spoken much in the last year and she dated a guy for about six months. He broke up with her and then she adds me on facebook again and we start following each other on Twitter. We are talking again and we seem to really get along again. She said, in our first conversation on facebook, that she hoped we could try to be friends again...because we would be great friends in her opinion. I want to try, but it's difficult when I'm still so hung up on her.

    So hung up that if she asked I would be back with her in a heartbeat. Yeah, we had our differences, but I think I made up reasons to break up in the first place...we were getting too serious and I wasn't at a place in my life where I could be committed.

    What's your advice guys? Should I just stay friends or see if she is still interested? I would wait a while if I did ask her, since she just got out of a bad relationship and I wouldn't want her to rebound with me.

    I'm just confused...if she is the only person I could think about for an entire year (even when I was out on dates with other people, I still compared them to her) does that mean I should try again?
     
  2. TheJoker

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    Think about how much you want her back, not other issues.If you are sure,go take her.

    People doesn't change a lot though.Make sure your feelings aren't depend on just good times with her.Think about bad times,boring times too and if you are able to handle that this time.

    Most importantly, don't feel any remorse after your decision.As long as you don't try to trick her, you can't do wrong at anything.Feelings can increase or decline with time.If increase you can have serious relationship, if decline you can always say thank you,good bye.
     
  3. Flyers2011

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    I know how you feel. I'm going through something similar. Except my ex likes to use me. . .

    My suggestions? You need to assess if you can handle being friends with her. If you can't, tell her so. Just say, "Look [name], I would love to be your friend, but I'm struggling with how I feel about you. It's really hard for me. I want to be casual, acquaintences, and maybe friendship could come from that?"

    If you believe you can be friends with her, you might want to get off your chest how you felt about breaking up with her. You can write a letter (but not send it), record it, or even tell her. You might just feel guilt and you might be mistaking that for attraction. It happens quite a bit, actually :/.

    Rebound is the worst time to date someone. It just leads to a lot of tumultous feelings and confusion. She might want her old ex. She might think she rushed into a relationship (if you guys get back together). This would just hurt you. You should be friends first, give her time to heal from the bad relationship, if you don't it could have really bad consequences for both of you.

    I was a rebound for someone and it hurt like no other because I was honest and she wasn't. It was the worst relationship I've ever been in (for that and other reasons). We rushed and I got hurt. We argued alot. Now we can't even be friends.

    I do suggest that you take it slow if you decide to be friends again. I wouldn't jump into a full 'let's be bffls and hang out all of the time', because it could lead to one of you (or maybe both) misconstruing what's going on for 'meant to be' syndrome. Where you spend so much time with her that you don't see any flaws or anything. You start believing you need her to be happy and it isn't healthy and you'll wind up hurt.

    What are the reasons you broke up with her in the first place?
     
    #3 Flyers2011, Mar 4, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2011
  4. Thanks, that was all wonderful advice. I do need to take it slow with her, but I think she may still be interested. If it feels right I would be a fool to let our past dictate our future. A lot has changed for both of us since we broke up.

    The reasons mostly seem a little silly now.

    We had different plans for our future, but we were also 19 and 20 and now those plans have changed drastically anyway. She has new things she wants to do and I basically have no plans for the future, I'm letting myself go with with the flow for a while. It will be good for me to not plan everything for a while.

    We had/have different political beliefs.

    She loves sports, I'm not a big fan of anything other than soccer and figure skating.

    Really the reason that held the most water was that we had different plans for the future and I didn't want either of us to feel pressured to give up our dreams to stay with each other. I knew that would only create resentment. Now that part is really kind of shot to hell *shrug* I know I still have feelings for her, it's just a matter of knowing whether to act on those feelings. I want to friends if nothing else so unless she also still wants me, I don't want to make things awkward by making a move she won't reciprocate.

    Why is love so difficult! :bang:
     
  5. Flyers2011

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    I know how you feel about 'going different places'. Long distance relationships and stuff like that make it hard on both of the people involved. That was one of the reasons I told my ex we couldn't get back together. I knew we would both be hurt.

    As for sports and politics, I get where you're coming from. I had this issue with a different ex. It drove me nuts because she would always complain about how I watched sports. I guess it depends on if you guys could work around it or not.

    Feelings and hormones are what make love hard. It sucks for everyone involved. It might serve you well to have a talk with her. I wouldn't try to make it sound, overbearing or obessive, but maybe just say, "Hey, [name]. I know we dated awhile ago, but to be honest I still have feelings for you. Do you feel comfortable discussing this with me?"

    If she says yes, then you can talk about how you feel. If you guys get back together, that's great. But if you don't, maybe you guys can be great friends. That's sort of the track I'm on with my ex. And it works for me. But my ex is, conflicted about her identity (in my opinion) and it would be better if we weren't together.

    Just take things slow, don't push it too much. You don't want to end up destroying a friendship, etc.

    (*hug*) Women are really confusing.
     
  6. My brother is having issues with a girl he likes as well. I think a lot of it is because she's not really sure she deserves a nice guy, so I know what you mean about women being confusing. I hope your situation works out.

    I won't pressure her, I think I'll give her a while to get over the pain of her break up (he cheated on her...the bastard.) Then maybe I'll ask her if she thinks we could talk about what I'm feeling for her. I'll just be her friend for now.
     
  7. Flyers2011

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    That's good. Being cheated on is the worst (been through that, not fun). I think if you lend an ear to her if she wants to talk she'll be more inclined to hear you out when you decide to have that talk. It might sound a touch, manipulative, but she'll be thinking, "She listened to me, now I should listen to her."

    I hope things work out (*hug*).

    My situation is better, I resolved a lot with my ex over the weekend. Thanks :slight_smile:.
     
  8. Well it might seem manipulative, but I want to help her out no matter what happens in the future. Even if she only stays my friend, I want to help her, so it doesn't seem to manipulative to me. I've been trying to cheer her up via twitter, I think I'm helping. She said I made her smile the other day when she was feeling really down. :icon_bigg
     
  9. Flyers2011

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    That sounds promising! Being there for her, out of the kindness of your heart is a great thing.

    I said the thing about it being manipulative because I've had people tell me that I was being that way, even though I wasn't. People tend to read more into others' actions sometimes lol.
     
  10. Oh I get that, people can be very pessimistic about people who just want to help others.