Hey ECers, I need your help as I've dug myself into a bit of pickle. Here's the situation. Sorry for the length, but hopefully it's entertaining! Background on me: out for 2.5 years now, a one-time sexual encounter with a friend last year but no relationship/love in my life whatsoever ever (what can you do eh?). *** Here's a summary if you don't want to read the whole thing: this friend has recently realized he's bi and he has a girlfriend whom he loves and wants to stay with. He's the only guy I've had feelings for who's shown any type of reciprocation. Except for that first night, I've done all the first flirty moves and he's basically neither encouraged nor discouraged me. Is he just being nice and doesn't want to shoot me down, or does he have feelings for me too? I mean, he lets me rest my head on his shoulder in his bed the morning after I told him I wasn't over him... *** I have a friend who goes to university with me. At the beginning of the year, I noticed him and went to talk to him, but I learned he had a girlfriend so I put him out of my mind and we became good acquaintances. The girlfriend lives 2 hours away and it's the first year they've done long-distance. They've been together for 2.5 years. Me and my friends always wondered how he could be straight (jokingly, but still!), as he was very cute, dressed sharply and he's very sweet. This semester, we grew closer and at the end of January, we went to a show with a bunch of other people from school. Throughout the night, we basically flirted with each other, nothing explicit but more hand on hips & hair than a straight guy would do or allow. He did look upset at one point, so I asked him if everything was OK and if he wanted to talk about it. He answered, "I might". I left it at that, but I suspected something was up. When it was time to leave the bar we had gone to after the show, I was going to walk home and he offered to accompany me. Obviously, I was glad. From 3 to 5 AM we walked arm in arm through the city and he told me he was bi, only 2-3 people knew and his girlfriend didn't know, and he felt bad for flirting with me that night (to which I replied that we really hadn't done much, which is true). But throughout, even though we were pretty sober, there was still flirting going on ("You're cute" etc.). It was just a beautiful two hours, for both of us. He went home after. The day after, I realized how I had completely fallen for him in the space of one evening and I just had that warm feeling all day. When I saw him that Sunday, I told him our walk had waken certain feelings in me... He said he was sorry for flirting and he felt bad, but I was like, it's my fault too. For the next week, we talked often, in person or via fb, and he actually came out to his girlfriend, who took it fairly well and he was relieved and life was good. Except I had a huge crush on him now. And for him, it has always been clear — at least that's what he says — that he loves his girlfriend and that the goal is that they stay together. Fast forward to Friday. He was really hungover in the morning because he had gone out, and so I went to see him after class and I walked him home. We were talking about how we need to find me a boy and I said, "I know I really shouldn't say this, but the truth is I'm not over you. I thought I was, but I'm not." And he just made this "I'm sorry" face and we concluded we needed to find someone better than him to make me get over him! That night, we were going out with friends, so we had a few drinks and went to a club, and again there was a fair bit of flirting. He was not initating it, but not doing anything to stop me. After, we went back to a friend's place, ate a bit and finally I asked him if I could crash at his appartment because he lives nearby. It was clearly understood I was sleeping on the sofa, which I did. In the morning, we woke up and we were talking a bit, and I asked him if he'd mind if I came and joined him. He said to come. So I took my blanked and pillow and lied down next to him. We looked at photos on his phone and the like for about an hour. Sometimes I would get pretty close, like a leg brushing, and a few times I actually rested my head on his shoulder. Obivously, by that time, I was living the most romantic, relaxing, cozy time of my life. After a while, we just stopped talking, both next to each other, and we just stayed there, half alseep for an another hour. Just our feet and the sides of our arms were touching, but it an extremely emotional situation for me. I had to restrain myself with all my strength to make any kind of move beyond what I already done, very conscious I had already pushed the boundaries of what's acceptable. I can't speak for him, but I felt like he was probably thinking the same... Finally we got up, and took a shower one after the other (as in not together, in a normal friend sleeping over way!). It was not awkward at all, in fact it felt kind of natural in a "I could get used to this" way. And that's basically it. So to recap: he's the only guy I've had feelings for who's shown any type of reciprocation, and he has a girlfriend who we assume he wants to stay with. Except for that first night, I've done all the first flirty moves and he's basically neither encouraged nor discouraged me. Is he just being nice and doesn't want to shoot me down, or does he have feelings for me too? I mean, he lets me rest my head on his shoulder in his bed the morning after I told him I wasn't over him... Of course, either way, there's the girlfriend so this situation is crap and someone (all?) will get hurt. But at least if I knew he had no feelings for me, I could really focus on getting the hell away from there. If he did, well, it would be kind of a "let's see what happens with him and his girlfriend" situation. Thanks for any advice or comments!
I can't speak for him. But if I were you, I'd find out how their relationship is going if you haven't already. If it's having it's ups and downs, it could be a possibility that he's keeping you as his backup in case things don't work out with her. From what you've said, the two of you have crossed the line between friends and 'more than friends' and with him being aware of your feelings, he's well aware that he's leading you on. It might mean that he either senses that his relationship is going south or that he really cares about you and doesn't want to lose you or he's using you. So my advice is 1. Find out about the relationship. 2. Resist flirting and cuddling with him and see if he still flirts or makes a move on you. 3. If you are comfortable in doing so, Ask him if he likes you. Hope this helps.
I think you know the answer. We all (most of us anyways) crush on our friends, it's the people will feel most comfortable with. But I don't think he feels the same way. The good thing about crushes is that they can fade away (the feelings, not the people). Just give it time, and like you've said, try and find someone else who can make you feel the same way, or better, than he does.
My God, ok, my opinion is of course that if everyone else in this messy tangle is acting childish and taking no responsibility for their actions, you ought to be the one taking a moral stance. Let's get one thing in order. His girl friend has done nothing wrong and does not deserve to be cheated on. Your guy friend, being bisexual, is undoubtedly confused about the two aspects of his emotions and sexual attraction. Right now, you are the only one who can stop a tragedy that will come if you continue to lead him on. What you need to do is to be a catalyst in helping him examine his true preferences in sexual partners and relationships. A lot of people on EC say that one shouldn't put labels on themselves and should just be who they are. But this doesn't really work for the older kids who are getting into serious relationships. In such a case your personal decisions about who you are affects the other person deeply and without cause on the part of the other person. Especially, the longer it takes to get things sorted, the more time is wasted of a short human life span in the grand scheme of the universe. If his true love is his girlfriend, you should simply end your relationship with this guy. This will be painful for you, but in the end you will find your happiness elsewhere and it is the only morally acceptable thing to do.
I have a friend like this: she has a boyfriend, but frequently flirts with me. We have a very physical relationship. I guess it's a little different for guys since generally an affectionate relationship between two mean is discouraged by society. Maybe he's questioning his sexuality, or maybe he's just being a close friend. Either way, he has a girlfriend, so I'd try to stay away from a romantic situation with him, at least for now. Best of luck. <3
He'd probably love to fool around with you or other guys, but has been taught that being gay is bad and would rather stick with having a gf. I've seen this so many times. Guys who just won't admit their gay/bi side and stay with women so the world thinks they're honorable and good and a real man. Although it sucks that he won't dump his gf and be with you, I'd find an available gay guy and spend time with him. I would not fool with him until he's single. If you can hang out with this guy w/o getting all jealous each time, then go for it. Take care.
Straight? In love? Not a chance. I can't get inside his head, but if he has a girlfriend and wants to stay with her, chances are he's not going to go with you, even if he was bi.
If this were happening to me? I'd cut ties and stay far away. But it's not happening to me. You might decide it's totally worth it. Worth putting your heart on the line, worth being the "side action", worth incurring the wrath of the girlfriend were things to come out, and worth potentially (or probably) ending the friendship in exchange for some physical action. You won't be the first person to make that choice. But just know that the chances that he'll choose you over her are so tiny as to be negligible. In short, even if he does decide to get physical with you, you're going to be the lowest priority - something will only happen when something isn't happening with her. And if this comes out, it'll be you who shoulders all the blame for "coming between them", no matter how interested he is in this. Lex
Hey guys, thanks very much for all your advice, it's very much appreciated. Thankfully, this issue is now basically solved? Turns out there was another solution — speaking to him about it. Thankfully, he kind of brought up the subject so I just went out and lay it all on the table. As I thought, he has nothing for me other than friend and he loves his girlfriend, but he was just being too nice in not pushing me away. We agree it's ethically sketchy, on both of us, and we agreed we'd call each other out if we went anywhere near there again. Honestly, we're not a-holes and I don't think either of us would have ever allowed it to go anywhere near any explicit romantic stuff (like kissing for example). But it's undeniably better that we set clear boundaries and stick to them. Those of you that suggest cutting all ties are right that it'd be the most reasonable option. But the truth is, we've become really good friends in parallel to this, and it would suck to throw that away just because I have feelings for him. I think the fact that we talked about it (which we never really had before) and that there's no mystery/uncertainty anymore will allow me to start moving beyond this. And if I feel a thing once in a while, it's not a big deal as long as I don't get any ideas. Thanks again guys.
I certainly know how you are feeling about this. I'm in the same situation and it really really sucks. Probably worse, I'm pretty sure he is 100% straight and he also loves to hug everyone etc. I just hope that eventually I'll be able to get over him. It's pretty hard when he is practically flawless though.
oh.. we have the same situation. .. My friend is also like that. He has a girlfriend. Every time we both sleep together in a room, only two of us, He hugs me. Really hard hug. And he starts to kiss me on my lips. :/ I can't understand what he feels. is it really a LUST or LOVE?.. . There's another situation. We ride on a taxi, only both of us,. he starts to hold my hands. I was shocked that time and I really guessed that it's LOVE. but some of the time, He ignores me. I don;t know why? Can you help me guys?
i think this is the same situation if he had a boyfriend and is flirting with you and wants to stay with the boyfriend. the point is when someoen is with someone else, no matter if they are flriting with you or tell you that you're cute or whatever, they are with someoen else and until they are single, you're only wasting your own time. just be friends with him and move on. if he becomes single, maybe you can explore but until then, you are only causing your own heartache. been there, done that.
