Ok, so now I'm out to myself, my husband and a few close friends. Our daughter is 13 & our plan is to stay together until she is old enough to be on her own. I kind of want to tell the rest of my family, (mom & brothers)but my mom has no discretion. Plus, I think it would be weird for them (confusing I mean) since I'm still with my husband. At some point my daughter will need to know. Any advice about the best timing/method of coming out to one's child? Should I wait until we are ready to divorce? Or just until she gets through the "it's all about me" age?
Hi there. I have three kids. I feared coming out to them more than anyone. To prepare, I read several books and spoke to countless other gay fathers. There is also an organization for kids with gay parents, called COLAGE. http://www.colage.org/ . There is some really useful information on the site, as well as a list of good books to read. I read three of them, and they helped me greatly. I decided to come out to them while they were still young, so that it would be a normal part of their lives as they grew up. Also, by hiding it from them, I felt that I would convey a message that there was something wrong with being gay. In the end, they actually already knew and it was no big deal for them. Many other gay parents I spoke with said the same thing – their kids already figured it out. Some of the essays I read by kids with gay parents said that the kids felt stress because they knew or suspected their parent was gay and wanted to talk about it with them but felt they couldn’t because the parent had never let them know it was okay to discuss, since the parent never actually came out to the kids. The stress was from not being able to discuss it, not because the parent was gay. Take a look at the COLAGE site and try one of the books listed. I hope you find it as helpful as I did.
Hi Stageone...my daughter is 15 and son is 12.. i came out to them about 3 weeks ago. They are okay with it. They've been exposed enough through tv, movie, school and friends to not be overly weirded out by it. My wife and I are trying to stay together as long as possible.
Coming from a kid's perspective, I would have been fine and perfectly understanding hearing about it when I was 13 if my mom or dad came to tell me that they were gay. And this was before I knew anything about myself. I might be somewhat upset if they waited until now (17 yrs. old).
When I came out to my kids, they were ages 17 and 15. Obviously they were shocked and upset, but it was mostly because we also told them we were separating soon. The news of the separation was the issue with them. The whole gay thing wasn't all that bad in comparison. I would think that a 13 year old would be able to handle the news. My only concern if would be in regards to staying together until she is old enough to be on her own. If she finds out about that, would it cause her some problems down the road? I'm no expert and I haven't a clue about that. I go to a therapist and that would be something I'd bring up with my therapist for guidance.
Thanks for sharing your experiences That helps a lot. I guess it will be better if she knows long before we split... and at least has the chance to deal with one thing at a time. Some friends have asked whether she wouldn't be more upset to find out that I stayed because of her... I don't think so. She is all about herself right now (with me anyway- she is more prosocial with her friends. I keep telling myself it's her age). I expect she will be upset with me for destroying her security. Another issue would be telling her, then expecting her to keep it quiet. Seems unfair/unreasonable. I can't make this public knowledge until I am ready to leave my husband because he would lose his job (he's a minister).
There's another minister on here who is gay and came out (more like forced out), but found loads of support in his congregation. Not knowing your faithl, or congregation I could only hope that you would be pleasently surprised. but that's your call.
I can't say when is the best time, but it might be a good idea to consider that lots of teenagers go through a phase of hating their parents and blaming them for everything. Coming out could potentially provide ammunition.
