Yo all. Apologies in advance for the novel. I'm an aspie, which is short for asperger syndrome, which is an autism spectrum disorder with myriad indicators, including but not limited to social ineptitude and social anxiety, lack of non-verbal communication skills... there's a long exhaustive discussion at wikipedia if this long exhaustive post isn't long and exhaustive enough for you. I have a few problems associated that i struggle to deal with. Firstly, my family doesn't know. I'm a mild case. My family's perception of me, i presume, is that i was just the smart and eccentric kid in the family, who's grown up into just as eccentric an adult. The black sheep really, no-one else in the family performed academically. It was never suggested to me that i could be an aspie until i took it upon myself to see a clinical psychologist at the age of 22 or so. From about the age of 15, I've been able to learn how to be social to the point that i can make a lot of friends and get along relatively easily with just about anyone... but it's all basically a front, an act, it's just learned behaviour that i took a long time to cotton on to. Lately my anxiety has gotten really bad. There was an incident at work involving sexual harassment of a young female employee by an older employee in a position of power which i took exception to. Long story short i exploded at my boss and got fired. This happened a couple of months ago. Now i'm unemployed, living off of savings which won't last forever, so riddled with anxiety that i can't even tell anybody that i'm anxious, and i seem to be unable to do anything about it. On top of that i also need to sort out my university enrollment and just can't do it, so by default i'm not even studying any more either... anxiety has been getting in the way of that for a long time. I don't know what it is. It seems that when faced with so many problems, my crisis response is "do nothing, don't tell anybody, and don't seek help". It's eaten my motivation, which is now nonexistent. I can't talk to my family. I'm just not similar enough to any of them for that to be helpful, they wouldn't understand and i don't think it would make me feel any better. I built up the courage to see a psychiatrist but he was woefully inept and i had nothing but contempt for his general ignorance and lack of insight, so now i find the prospect of seeing another shrink terrifying. I've been drinking a little too much recently to help deal with it, as well as smoking ganja. I've managed to kick the weed all together because i knew it was a terrible hindrance and not at all a help, but i am probably still using alcohol as a coping mechanism too often (it doesn't help that i brew beer as a hobby). Finally today i told a good friend of mine how fucked up i am, i think talking to her should help a little because she has gone through some problems a little bit similar, but that's a tiny step compared to what i know i should be doing and still can't do. I have big problems, can't deal with them, and find the prospect of opening up to anybody very frightening. I deliberated with myself about posting this in the anonymous section, but i need to stop this cowardice, and a token step is better than none at all. ---------- Post added 7th Mar 2011 at 05:00 PM ---------- Oh, and i'm so ashamed of myself that i'm ashamed of my shame, so i've been avoiding contact with anyone i know more than just as an acquaintance as much as possible. ---------- Post added 7th Mar 2011 at 05:02 PM ---------- all the while, i put on that long-practiced front i always put on for people, including my family, and pretend to be just fine and dandy.
Well speaking as someone who is only vaguely aware of asperger's , why aren't you reaching out to at least somebody? It seems you are only holding yourself back when you even said that you have been able to make friends, it may not be necessary to seek guidance from your family about being an aspie but still, why is it a secret? Let things off of your chest and you will start to feel bettter
It's not a secret to anyone but my family, really, it's just never come up. I wouldn't feel like talking about it with them, they're not exactly the most empathetic bunch. My good friends are all aware. That's not the point of the post though. The fact that i'm aspie isn't an issue in and of itself at all... i was just laying the background for how screwed up everything is at the moment. I quite like it. In fact, i very much enjoy it. why aren't you reaching out to at least somebody? - i am, a good long term friend of mine i used to be romantically involved with. We're still very good friends. I posted here as well.
Well, I refuse to call myself an aspie, even though several people have told me that I'd fit the bill and urged me to get tested. But I hope that does mean I'm somewhat able to relate in this case. What I do in situations when I feel totally deluged with trouble, is playing to my analytical side. I suck at dealing with feelings, but when foused, I'm quite good at dissecting a problem down to its component problems. At that point, it becomes an isue of planning. Stop looking at the totality, and fix the partial problems. One a day or per two days, no more (and no less). And then, somewhere down the line, I find out it wasn't as bad as I first feared. And, to a point, that's precisely what you did in your post. you feel a general anxiety, but I can already see an action plan in there. What I'd do is: - Stop the ganja. Yes, entirely. It's nothing but an escape route, and the moments you feel good while smoking it are probably a cause for anxiety afterwards when you realise it's nothing but a false escape. - I like to limit my alcohol consumption. I never drink more than two glasses in any 24-hour period. You might want to limit it even further for now. Again, it's nothing but a false escape. - Take stock of your finances. Exactly how long can you live on your savings? (actually, that's a calculation I make for myself every so often. It's nice information to have at all times) If it's more than a couple of months, put that part aside for now, and focus entirely on the following point: - Uni enrollment. I'm guessing that this is just a question of sorting out all paperwork. Which reduces it to steps. Even if you only put two hours of time into it a day (hardly excessive, even with little motivation), you should be able to get it sorted out within days (or weeks, if you have to wait for other people's replies at some points). being soundly enrolled should already be a source of stability, and thius less anxiety and more motivation. don't worry about finding a job until after you sorted out the studies. You founf one once, and you'll find one again! - When I'm anxious, I'm bad with crowds of friends. Hell, when I'm feeling good, I'm bad with crowds of friends. But friendships can survive being put on hold for a bit sometimes. Maybe it's best to focus on this one friend, or two or three good friends. you don't need to open up to the entire world if you have a couple of good confidents. In the whole workd, there's about 3 people that I'm entirely honest with, and that, to me, is enough. Venting to a single person is really the best option, rather than worry about not telling everyone everything. - Psychiatrist wise, I'd say you had bad luck. But maybe you just need to search a better qualified one. Finding one at random might not work, but how about contacting that clinical psychologist who diagnosed you? He (or she) might be able to help, or at least refer you to someone who has the necessary expertise. Above all: small steps. Don't try to solve everything at once, but do one thing at a time, and do it well. And, for what it counts: if you can't vent to friend, vent online. We're here to listen, and I'm sure opening up is liberating, even if only on EC.
*hugs* I know where you're at, more than you probably realize. I thought for a while that I might have Aspergers, but ruled that out. I do, however share anxiety issues as well as an inability to open up - though in my case it more due to social anxiety causing mutism. Filip gives some great advice. The way I've found to begin dealing with anxiety is to make a plan and chew away at it. It will get you focused and start you out of this situation at the same time. Feel free to chat with us here. I'm always open to PMs.
you're a gem, filip =D i'm one step ahead of you on the ganja front. I cut that out a lil while back. as for the rest, i still don't feel up to it. i'm going to start with telling my friend K all about it and see how it goes from there
