1) It's more important that you tell your parents everything they need to know than it is that they respond in the way you want. By everything they need to know- I mean don't keep secrets that will prevent them from doing their job of helping you with your problems. Perhaps you want their unconditional support about being gay. Or at the very least- you don't want them to question or criticize you. You don't want them going into denial or going silent on you. But...you can't control how they respond. Your parents may need some time. They may never be comfortable with your being gay. But by telling them, you give them the chance to adjust. You give them the chance to get used to the idea. You give them the knowledge they'll need to help you should you need counseling. Armed with the most important things that are going on in your head, you give your parents a much better chance of doing their job in helping you through your teenage years. Ask yourself this question- what's gained by waiting? Would it be better for them to know of all the complications and/or personal anxiety you might be going through because you're having to deal with it? Would it eliminate the stress of having to keep a big secret. Would they be more accepting after you've moved out or would they see that as a change that makes you less their little boy or girl? I firmly believe that early communication opens the door for quicker acceptance. So talk to them. If you think they'll react badly- tell them anyway. The earlier you tell them, the easier it will be for them to get used to the idea. This advice does have some limitations. If you've reason to believe that your parents will stop loving you, disown you, or be brutal in their attempts to change you- if you can't count on your parents- then talking to them would be a mistake. It might be better for them to know when you're less dependent on them. 2) Coming out to your parents doesn't mean you have to come out to the community. Simply tell your parents what you're feeling and tell them you felt like they should know. Tell them a minister on a discussion forum you go to suggested you speak to them. If you're not absolutely positive you're gay but think you might be- tell them, "mom, dad- I think I may be gay." In fact that's not a bad way of putting it even if you're positive you're gay. It gives them a chance to get used to it. It opens the door for more communication. Be sure to tell them that you're trying to discover if you're gay- that you're not choosing to be. If you are gay- counseling or their telling you that's not what they want for you won't change a thing. 3) Your parents have a long history that predates you by at least 17 or 18 years and in some cases 30 plus years. People and situations have made powerful impressions on them that have nothing to do with you. If they're not able to accept it quickly and gracefully- remember- it has nothing to do with you! 4) After you've told them, don't be shy about discussing issues that may turn on your being gay. Feeling depressed- they need to know. Feeling suicidal- talk to them about it. Try and create an atmosphere of communication that's absent of drama. If your parents aren't able to discern what they need to do- such as getting you into therapy- make suggestions.
Tim, you do not know how helpful this is to me. I am thinking baout coming out to my parents, but it is so hard to tell them something like this, especially since I am not 100% sure what my status is exactly either
The tips are great, and I know that it is probably for the best to just come out to my parents, but...I just don't think I can do it...
Hi Muzzy, Don't worry, you will be able to do it one day. It's all a question of confidence and feeling good about yourself. Don't pressure yourself and don't let it get you down, you are not alone. We will all be here to help you come to that point when and if you want to. There is a great difference between knowing what we SHOULD do and what we feel we CAN do, but hey, take your time. Just by coming here you are on the right tracks. Everyone here, well not me of course because I am straight, has been where you are now so everyone understands what you are going through. Take it slow, you'll be fine
Yea, there is a big difference between the "should" and the "can"... Like I said before, I just can't do it yet. I tend to think things over for way too long before acting... It doesn't help either that I will have to come out to my parents twice.
I think everyone is in the same boat about thinking about it far too long before taking action. This is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, it certainly deserves to be thought about from every angle before just leaping in. About coming out twice. Firstly choose the parent that you think might take the news best and once you have come out to them and got their support then worry about the second parent. You don't have to do it all at once and you don't have to do it at all untill you feel ready to.
man, if only i had thought about this in this way earlier...it would have made life so much easier...i think i'm gonna really come out to my mom now...dad'll have to come later, if at all...i mean, my mom will tell him, but i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to get those words out of my mouth to that person...i really dont have the best relationship with him to begin with, so we dont really talk about these kinds of things anyways...but they both have said the couple of times we've gotten close to me admitting it, when we've brushed the subject, that they'd love me either way...it's just so hard, even if they do claim they'd love me the same...i'm not 100% sure they would...but i guess all i can do is take them at their word...
Your parents are going to love you. They are just waiting for you to say it. Everything is going to be fine. When parents say this to their children, it means they already know!! Tim, thanks for the great advice! My son went through some pretty severe anxiety and depression. I wish he had come out to me sooner so I would have known how to help him!
