So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months. Though we have been talking for almost 13. When we first started dating things went really well, and needless to say... physical. We were concerned about moving to fast so we decided not to have full on sex till our 6 month anniversary. Which was incidentally Christmas, which I thought was romantic and cute. But when the time came he simply ignored me, and said that he didnt want our first time to be planned. SO MANY MIXED SIGNALS!! Before then he seemed interested in sex, and was quite content with what we had. Now I feel really bad sometimes for pushing him. Im comfortable without having sex until he's ready, I mean I waited 17 years already, whats a few more? However there are times where I do get frustrated. We do have alternative sex, like oral and what not, but even with that sometimes I feel really bad sometimes. For example, I will go out of my way to do something special for him which leads to "something" (sexually) and he will not return the favor. To make things more understandable, I am saying that I will do things to him, and then he wont do things back to me. He claims to be not that sexual of a person, but I kind of feel like I am. I feel really bad because its hard to hone my frustration, but its harder when you go 2 or 3 weeks with out anything sexual. pun intended Any comments?
Well, first off, I'm not an expert regarding sex. But a couple of thoughts nonetheless: Personally, I think anything you do with someone else with the intent of getting them off (and getting off yourself) is sex. However, definitions of sex can vary wildly. I get that commonly, among gay guys (or at least in discussions), anal sex is considered to be the "full-on" kind of sex, and the others are considered to be secondary, or somehow "sex-lite". With the assumption that if you are together for an extended period of time, anal sex is something that should eventually happen. Meanwhile, studies indicate that in reality, there's no such thing as an orderly progression of kinds of sex that has the same steps or endpoints for everyone. Many (if not most) of gay couples don't even have anal sex. Because they tried it and don't like it, or maybe because it never appealed to them in the first place. And the same goes for other kinds of sex, I suppose. So maybe your boyfriend is just one of those people that isn't at all feeling comfortable with the idea of doing that kind of thing. But at the same time, he might not want to disappoint you either. Leading to an eternal cycle of him thinking: "not now, I don't feel ready. But I can't say tell that to him or he'll be hurt. so I'll put it off until next month. Maybe I'll be ready then!" Leading to the aforementioned frustration. This is also pretty dependant on how your boyfriend is like. I don't know the guy myself, obviously. Is he normally one to take the initiative? Or is he generally more someone who takes an opportunity if it comes his way, but won't actually start something himself? (and I'm talking broader than just sexually here) Finally, I'm wondering: how communicative are you about what you want? You mention doing extra things for him, leading to sex (I presume that the sex happening is not entirely an afterthought here :icon_wink) and that he doesn't return the favour. But does he know that you'd like him to come on to you every once in a while? Does he know what kinds of things you'd like him to do to you? did you ask, and get a no? Or did you not ask at all, and just assumed he would know when to act? I'm not saying you need to plan it out, but it would be handy if he knew you'd really like him initiating things for a change. So, I guess the tldr version of this wall of text is: it's all nice and romantic to assume sex is supposed to happen, and happen from both sides equally, but it pays to communicate about what you like and don't like, and what you find frustrating. With an open discussion, you might find out more than by waiting until he takes the inititiative.
hmmm, by the looks of it, it sounds like he could've gotten nervous about it when the time came :/. He could also feel that everything is going to fast especially since in the first few months both of you were already doing stuff together and just lost interest in sex since he may not feel that it is that special or maybe isn't as excited to do it :/. I think you should talk to him about it and how you feel, but then again, you never know, he might actually not be intrested in sex but lets you do all those things because he might think it pleases you or something. I know I for sure wouldn't really want sex since I myself am not intrested in trying it out what so ever, but if my boyfriend really wanted to I would, but I personally think every 2-3 weeks would be alot . Well I hope everything works out for you (*hug*).
Filip brought up some really good points. All I can say is that talking about what you want, expect or are afraid of about sex is crucial for both of you to enjoy it. It doesn't have to be a formal conversation, but talking about it and discussing everything you told us should be easier than trying to solve everything while only having one side of the story.
Obviously there is a lot of guessing here because its impossible to know all the details, I would follow Filip's advice and talk to him about it and what I would personally do is hold off on anything sexual until he makes a move, or makes it vary evident that he wants to go further. I have been in a situation before where it felt like sex was happening far too often and the result was me getting turned off because in the back of my mind i'm thinking "again already? really?" so yea, talk to him and maybe take a break to get him exited again. I don't know if this could be the case or not but worth a shot and good luck.
