So, um... This is going to be a long post, with lots of drama... Just a forewarning xD I guess I'll start with what happened first. In 6th grade, I began to notice that girls were very pretty. Not just in an offhand way, but somewhat attractive to me. I didn't understand it at the time, and just ignored it. In 7th grade, I began to have feelings for my best friend (since 2nd grade) as more than...just a friend. I refused to believe it, though, and kept searching for guys to "have a crush on" to convince myself otherwise =_= It didn't help that I'd never been asked out or "liked" by a guy before, so I was getting pretty frustrated with myself. By 8th grade, I couldn't ignore what I was feeling anymore. I couldn't even stand to be around my friend without getting nervous or blushing severely. I kinda threw myself at a guy to prove that I wasn't "like that." Needless to say, that didn't turn out well. After that little mistake, I started to avoid my friend. I was seriously trying everything to "prove" that I wasn't attracted to girls. But I couldn't help but notice girls that I passed... Finally, there came the "moment of truth." Still in 8th grade, my friend and I were at her house, in her room, sitting on her bed, watching Harry Potter like we normally did. At one point in the movie, we started laughing at a face that Rupert Grint made in the movie, and in the aftermath of the laugh, we got quiet and looked at each other for a few seconds. During that short amount of time, I don't know what came over me, but I leaned over and kissed my friend right on the mouth. It was a quick kiss, but I totally meant it. She looked stricken for a milisecond, then she started laughing again. She wrote it off as a joke. I was heartbroken, because I was almost positive that it would turn out that she felt the same way, and that we would live happily ever after. No... So I haven't brought up the kiss, and neither has she, but I still think about it a lot. I use that moment as the "crowning moment of realization." That was when I knew for sure that I was certainly not straight. I hated that feeling, though, and after the rejection from my friend, I tucked it away for a long time, keeping up my facade of straight-ness for a year. Now, in 9th grade, is where the big drama is taking place. I have finally come to terms with my sexuality (I don't know what to identify as, I'll add a little paragraph asking for opinions on that at the end), and I have even come out to a few people. At the beginning of the year, I developed a crush on one of my close friends, and decided that I would confess to her. I first came out to her as a way of seeing if we would be able to be together. To my surprise and delight, she is bi. Later that day, I confessed to her and we had a rather long conversation on where we would go from there. She told me that although she does like me as more than a friend, we both decided that remaining friends for now would be the best thing for us, since it might wreck our friendship if it doesn't work out. I was okay with that, and we remained friends and moved on. Lately, she's beenvery flirty and getting close to me a lot... At the most recent formal dance at my school, she kept telling me how gorgeous I looked, and how my dress was amazing, and during this same dance, we danced together for two slow songs. At school, she walks up behind me and plays with my hair, telling me that she loves my hair, and she always tells me that I'm adorable. I don't know what to think in that regard. I do want to date her eventually, but with what's happening, I don't know if she really wants to date me, or if I'm just reading too much into this. I don't know how to ask her out again, after our decision at the beginning of the year... And back to my friend that I kissed... I keep thinking about her. She is straight as a ruler, it seems, and I still think about that kiss. I never really got over it. I can't like her that way anymore, and I really like my new friend, but I can't get my old friend off my mind. I don't know what to do... It really doesn't help that when I came out to my mom, she blew up... I told her that I needed to tell her something, and I stuttered and stumbled over my words for the longest time, before finally saying "I'm not straight." She stood still for a second, then her face got cold and she said stiffly, "You are just a kid. You don't know that. Your f*cked up friends are screwing around with your mind. That's it. I'm pulling you out of that f*cked up school." I began to cry, not expecting that reaction at all. I said, "Mom, no, you can't blame this on my friends! It's not a choice!" She ignored what I said and just yelled, "Do you want to go to hell?! That's where you'll end up!" I said nothing, and dried my tears. I decided that my mom was not the person to talk about this with. "Whoa, mom," I said, forcing a laugh. "I just wanted to see how you would react. I was just kidding," I lied. She didn't smile, and just walked away, saying "Don't ever scare me like that again." If my mother was this bad, I definitely won't be telling my father. I was so upset that my mom responded this way, and I was also upset that I'd have to lie for the next four years until I graduate and move out. I plan on telling her the whole truth when that happens, because she can't do anything to me at that point. Her reaction made me scared to come out to other people. I really don't think it's a choice, right? I didn't choose this... I actually tried everything to prove that I wasn't like that! I wish my mom could see that... Sorry for the long post and teenage drama; I probably seem so childish... I'm just confused TT_TT [Also, one last paragraph that doesn't have much to do with the above ones. I would like a few people's opinions on one last thing, please forgive me! I am also confused on what to identify as. I originally thought I was bi, because I still think some fictional guys are attractive, but I've never been attracted to any guy that I've known in real life. I have always been interested in girls, but I'm not sure about men. I don't know if I should identify as a lesbian, since I still sorta like men, at least in movies and books... Any opinions? This is all so new to me...]
Hi. Labels are pretty fluid for most people. You shouldn't be stressing too much on what you are now. Right now, if you can accept that you like girls also, it's really all you need. Keep an open mind, though- you may still like guys. From the way your mother reacted, I guess it's the right decision to wait it out. She seems horrified by the prospect. I'm sorry about that; I wish everyone could see that it isn't a choice and you don't just become gay or bi because of the people you choose to spend your time with. It's a very foolish prospect. "I'm gay because my friends thought that would be awesome!" No. That does not happen. As for your two friends: See where you truly stand with the girl you came out to. If you want her to get closer and become more than a friend, you two must establish that before you allow her to do anything. Most importantly, think of what you really want. Do you really want her, or are you still pining for that other friend? Hope this helped. Good luck, chica (*hug*)
Hi, Well done in coming to terms with yourself and don't worry about asking questions that's what this site is for ^_^. I think that since your mother acted so irrational, it may be best to wait until you have some sanctuary to bring it up with her again. But that doesn't mean that you can't open up elsewhere, just don't include her if she can't be sensible. Perhaps you could try and find out what your father thinks about homosexuality before you decide whether or not to tell him. I wouldn't give up on coming out to other people though, many people are far more open minded, i'd say that it's the minority who would react so strongly. If you feel comfortable with some good friends or some other in your family seem more accepting, perhaps you can try to share your feelings with them. As for crushes, I think that alot of teens (and adults) straight, gay, bi or otherwise go through the heart breaking feeling of having crushes who won't reciprocate their feelings, or just confusion and guilt in caring for more than one person. It can be hard but there's no rush, just take things slow and try to think through your feelings. Maybe get to know your bi friend better and see what her intentions are, or want to give it a go. You may often think about your straight crush but I'm sure you'll find another person just as desirable in time. With labels I would say they are just skin deep, sure they may reflect your basic feelings but everyone is attracted to different things so they can't be that accurate. If you would like to define yourself as something however just go with whichever you feel most comfortable with. Be that bi because you are sure you at least like girls and maybe guys or Lesbian/Gay, it's up to you and doesn't have to be set-in-stone, or you could just go as undecided until you feel more comfortable with your feelings. Just try and be true to yourself, give yourself time to work things out and don't give up!
