How To "Stay In the Closet"

Parents aren't that smart. (actually they don't think there is a possiblity their child can be gay) They might think he is your idol or something before doubt it.Even if they doubt you might be gay, probably they will try to "why don't you get a girlfriend" or "your friend X is pretty girl,what do you think?" before asking "are you gay?"

If it is better not to come out your parents, don't think about it as a problem.You wanted to tell them but you know its not smart move so probably your brain trying to solve it subconsciously.If you don't mind coming out ,don't feel any stress about it,don't feel you have to tell, maybe subconcious actions will stop.

 

Presumably, eventually, you're going to come out to your parents. Maybe not before college, maybe not until you're out and on your own. And it may not be the "overt" kind - you might do what some people do where it's obvious to all concerned, but you simply don't ever talk about it. (This is how my partner is with his parents.) How do you think your parents will react? Not immediately, but eventually? Once they get through the "are you sure" phase, through the "you realize how difficult this will make your life" phase, all of that. Picture yourself five years post-coming-out to them. How do envision your relationship then?

Lex

 

My thoughts are these. If a parent decides to believe an aborted attempt at coming-out by a child was "just a mistake" or what have you, there's a fair chunk of denial going on. They're basically moving into "my son is straight, I can't hear you, la la la" territory. At this point, they'll want to believe you're straight. So so long as you don't make it a huge issue, they're probably not going to pick up on many hints, or pursue any leads. If they see your shirtless model on your computer, they'll convince yourself you were shopping for shorts or swimwear. In short, I don't think you have too much to worry about. Feel free to keep deflecting any questions that come your way, but I have a feeling you won't get too many.

Lex

 

It's possible she's simply seeking reinforcement, then. What do you think might happen if you simply didn't talk about it? Stop denying, but don't confirm. So if she asks "Are you gay?", simply deflect the question with "How many times are we going to go over this?" or "You seem more worried about my sexuality than I've ever been" or something similar.

Lex

 

I disagree with TheJoker. Parents may be in denial, but they are not stupid. They most likely know somewhere deep inside of themselves that you are probably gay. I mean she already was questioning it once. If she was willing to ask then Im sure she is also willing to work on her relationship with you once you have come out.

Maybe telling them when you move out will work, just understand they could feel hurt if you tell them something like this and move out. To them it is most likely going to be perceived as running away.

Try and be considerate, but also understand that this is for your own benefit. Not their's. And once you have come out, it will be a huge weight lifted off your chest.

 

I agree with TyRawr; they're not idiots. They don't think you're shopping for swimwear or that the shirtless hunk on your desktop is your idol. They know. It sounds like your mother is trying to come to terms with it, and although it may be hard for you to hear her say the things she does about gay people and how horrible it would be if you were gay, realize that people cope in their own ways and at their own paces. She will come around--the fact that she can say the word in the context of her son is a start (and more than many parents can muster). Give her time, and don't push too hard. The process that she's going through is similar in a lot of ways to what a lot of queer people go through in the coming out process, and strangely enough, like the grieving process. She's both trying to come to terms with who you are and how that changes the way that she perceives herself, and mourning the loss of the cookie-cutter life that she had created for you in her mind. Once she can accept that she is the same person she has always been and didn't "go wrong" anywhere in her parenting, and comes to terms with the fact that your life will be different than she imagined, she will be just fine. And so will you. These things take time.

Good luck.

 

I agree with lex. Parent who are in deep denial will grab onto the tiniest thing to convince themselves that their son is straight despite of all the other evidence that they may have.

As long as you keep saying "no, I'm not gay. Oh, silly parents stop worrying so much" then you are pretty safe.

Man, I got caught with gay porn multiple times and rejected invitations to hooters from my dad, and my parents still say it was a "surprise" when I came out haha xD

 

I do agree with Chip completly.
I know your situation is far from being fun, and I understand that you're fed up of hiding from your parents, especially for something you have nothing to be ashamed of, but you know how your parents stand about homosexuality.
It won't be safe for you to come out to them now. And it won't be safe either if they suspect too much. I keep crossing my fingers and hope they'll be able to accept you when you'll finaly be out to them, but I don't think it would be wise to take any risks now.
As much as I hate to tell you this, I think you should be careful and avoid to do or say anything that could put you in a tricky position, because no matter how much it is hard for you now, I'm afraid your parents could make it far worse if they knew.
It's not forever, you'll be able to be fully out in a few more years, but for now, try to focus on being safe.
Take care of yourself sweetie (*hug*) Cécile

 

I see where Chip is coming from, but I guess I read it differently. Are they super christian and conservative? Do you think they believe that being gay is a choice? Is your mother likely sitting in church praying for your redemption? Because if she is, than I definitely agree with Chip and Eleanor. But your mother's language about what people at church might think could partially be her trying to come to terms with what your sexuality might mean about her parenting (which, as Chip said, does come from a place of ignorance). Once she realizes that she didn't "do" anything wrong, she may be able to entertain the idea that being gay isn't a choice. Either way, I think that we are all still giving you the same advice: don't push it right now, lay low, and give things time. The last thing you want is to end up in "re-programing straight camp!" Keep coming to EC, and keep talking to us. We will accept you as you are; we all know that it's not a choice, and when you're 18 and you're out on your own, you'll find lots of other people who know this too!

Hang in there!

 

I agree with the new points that have been brought up, since I have not thought of those scenarios. However I do not completely take back what I have said. I do still believe you should tell them before you move out, probably after you are 18, so that way you have a chance of them attempting to accept you. I would hang in there for now, but still try and understand, that parents are not morons. They just have alot they have to deal with as well, and your mother is not doing a very good job.

It gets better

 

Alot of great advice posted here. I have had friends who were in your situation with a mother who just wants to hear your straight, my friends mom never listened to her coming out, myfriend found it easier (once she was out on her own and self sufficient) to stop trying to convince her family she was gay and has continued to live her life. Her family chooses to ignore that she is married to another woman who comes for family gatherings and it now just never gets brought up. It is a very strange family situation but I know of a few people with this experience. I can only imagine how frusterating it was for them to not be heard when comeing out. soem people chose denial as a way of life (meaning my friends family)
whenever and however you chose to come out do what you feel you need to do because this is about you and your life and your happiness. If you feel safer distancing yourself before you come out then do it. Being gay isnt a choice but choosing to live your life to its fullest and being happy is your choice.

 

I don't know what to tell you, in terms of how to stop doing things that you aren't doing deliberately. The problem is that you are mostly emotionally ready to be out, but you don't want to because they have power over you that could complicate your life in other ways. When people are just not ready to be out, they hide all these kinds of things instinctively for the most part, but you are really ready for them to know. You just don't want to be kicked out of the house, or to be subjected to an endless torrent of anti-gay rhetoric until you're ready to leave. Beyond just trying to be attentive to it, I don't know what else you can do.

In terms of the timing of when you should come out, I agree with Tyler that right at the time you are leaving may not be the best, since it seems like you are telling them and then running out. However, I think you could do it either in the last few weeks or months before leaving, or else after you have already been gone for a while. I don't really think it has to be before you go; they had the opportunity to accept you when you told them before, and they didn't, so I don't really think you owe it to them to give them another shot while still living at home.

Another reason you might want to wait until you've been living away from home for a little while, is that it will give you a chance to be settled in and establish a local support system where you are living. That way, there will be people around you to support you if it goes badly with your parents. It's really hard to cope emotionally with family problems if you are living somewhere new and you don't really know anyone yet. You have friends that support you, but if you are moving away, they might not be around where you are to help you.

 

Really? Personally, I find a lot of other inborn conditions a lot more challenging in this regard. Consider, for example, brittle bone disease.

Romantic attraction to persons of the same sex is not actually unpleasant in itself. It's only the way people are treated because of it that causes pain--that is, the pain is inflicted by people, not by God, unlike the case with brittle bone disease. So... yeah.

But if that's their position, you probably do need to wait until you've left home. I'm really sorry.