Roommate Crush

Even though I can't really offer the best advice on this subject I'll try my best

It seems to me that he does like you to some degree but may not really want to live that kind of lifestyle( you said he is usually paranoid of someone finding out) but he is attracted to boys. I personally think that you should just take things really slow because it might be going too fast with random kissing and everything and may make him feel uncomfortable. He also seems to be slowly developing feeling for you but I don't really think it would be a good idea to keep asking him since it would probably make you seem obsessed, just wait and you'll eventually find out by the way your relationship with him turns out. I wish you all the best with this!

 

Wow! For once, a gaydar actually works! Lol.

When I was reading your story, I could've sworn that you fell for a straight guy. Actually, your story is very similar to something I'm going through with a friend that just "seems" gay, but I haven't confirmed anything, and he is also very passive.

Annnyway, I think you've already given yourself the best advice: Talk to him. Since your gaydar was accurate, your instincts about him being afraid to see himself with a guy is probably dead-on as well. It's actually pretty normal, and it takes time and being comfortable with who you are to make this change.

 

Welcome to EC!

Whenever I see any problem where I see things like "we just can't talk about things", I tend to respond with "you CAN talk about things - you just have to find out how". Maybe he's not one to talk about his feelings much (or at all). That just means you have to do the heavy lifting. You'll need to do most of the talking, and do most of the figuring out how to phrase things to make sure he understands where you're coming from.

First off, figure out what YOU want. Specifically. Do you want him to be your boyfriend? Do you want him to be your fuck-chum? Do you want him to be your secret lover? How would you design the relationship if you had your way? Which of all of the options would be acceptable to you, even if they're not your first choice? Then, have a talk with him. Put your cards on the table. Tell him what you'd really like, tell him what other options would appeal to you, and then ask him to think about what HE might like. He might not be able to answer you right away, and that's fine. He might not have given it a lot of thought, on purpose (that'd be "gay"). Perhaps he isn't interested in any sort of "relationship", because he's "not gay". Perhaps he's just worried about what will happen vis-a-vis your other roommates. (But that's something you'll need to address one way or the other. Generally, when two people in a household get physical, the others find out about it a lot quicker than you'd think. ) Whatever he says, LISTEN. Be encouraging. Don't argue anything he puts across. Just accept the input. Discuss everything you feel needs discussing. If he wants to think about it some more, that's totally fine - give him the time to mull it over. You'll eventually come to some sort of decision.

lex

 

I feel like he genuinely likes you and can identify with you. You two obviously already have something special. First of all, you have kind of come out to one another (that is a huge step). Secondly even though he is paranoid he is willing to try and be with you in the way he knows best. It seems as if he is going slow, because all you did is kiss, and fool around after a while. Even if this doesn't result in a relationship you two have done so much for one another.

However, I do feel like he is peeking out of the closet a little, perhaps he is reaching out for something, or someone. Communication is sooooo important! That for many people is also much more difficult than it sounds. But if you want this to work, the only way is going to be threw communicating.

Find a way to talk to him, and tell him how you really feel for him. It seems like he feels for you as well. Your job is going to be to communicate what you want out of this relationship eventually. Perhaps it doesn't have to be an instant transition, but it can be something that the two of you work on together.

 

I'm SO HAPPY for you!

 

When he is saying "I don't know" that is the fear talking. He may not be ready to admit it completely yet, but he is doing much better than most is sounds like. Try and stay on the same page, but just try and find his "buttons"

By that I mean, what turns him on, what he is uncomfortable with, and try and connect with him almost on a second level. The questions are almost distracting. They are giving him time to second guess himself.

I'm not saying don't talk about what makes you to uncomfortable, I just think if you two connect on a second level it will bring your relationship to a second level as well

 

>>> Since this is all a big secret, I usually invite him to come hang out in my room via text or IM. So, I did that tonight, and he said he didn't want to because he has to work early in the morning. Now, I guess this is fine. Seems like a valid excuse.

Well, he may REALLY have to be at work early and needs to get some sleep. But, if he continues to say this over and over againand does not want to hang out or be with you, call him on it and get dialogue going about whats really going on. He may just be confused as to whats going on between the two of you/unsure if he wants to continue with it or to whats going on in his head.

 

>>>Now this is how my thought process goes. I would literally hang out with him at any time of the day or night no matter what I'm doing. I will drop anything to spend time with him. Having work early in the morning would never cause me to say no. Why isn't he the same way?

Because he's not you.

This isn't something that's confined to "closeted" relationships, or gay relationships, or anything. It's true of all relationships. We move at different speeds. We have different wants and needs, and those wants and needs change all the time. Your wants, needs and desires won't always coincide. You might be horny as hell, and he might want to do anything right now except something sexual. It happens, and it will continue to happen, simply because you're not the same person.

He might be interested in you romantically right now.
He might not be now but may be later.
Or he might never be interested in you romantically.

All of these options are possible. And you can read tea leaves all you want, but you won't ever KNOW until he flat-out tells you. And maybe not even then. (As I said, people change.) You need to get a grip on that. You need to get yourself to a point where if you get a polite refusal to your invite to sex, you respond "No worries - sleep well" and jerk off. Because that's all it is - a polite refusal to a sex invite. It happens all the time.

It's clear you're in deep here, and that may be problematic. You may start pushing him or obsessing about it. And that won't make him more likely to go the romantic route with him - if anything, it'll make him less likely to. It may be a good idea to give yourself a bit of space, to get your head back on straight. If you do, definitely talk to him about it. "I'm finding myself getting more and more confused about us two. I really enjoy what we do together, but when you told me you didn't want to last night, for some reason, that messed me up more than it should. I'm worried I might be getting feelings for you that aren't going to be returned. If so, it might be a good idea to step away for a bit to let me put myself back on track." His response should give you some idea of what page he's on. If he seems upset about it, it may be he has feelings, as well.

Lex

 

Oooh..I remember the day of my first gay crush...ugh, I remember what I was wearing and even what he smelled like.

We always seem to lose our heads when it is the first one...I don't know if it is just the newness of a different kind of relationship, or finally being comfortable or what..

I think Lex pretty much hit it on the head...you are starting to get in real deep here and you need to apply the emotional breaks a little. If you start coming off as too clingy or obsessive, that will more than likely not have a good end result.

 

Unfortunately, it's possible that he has feelings for you, but just isn't ready to pursue a relationship with a man. He just might not be ready to face what that would mean about himself. So when "he confirmed that he has started to develop feelings for [you], but still doesn't want to be in a relationship," that might be what's going on.

I think he's been pretty clear that he doesn't want to be out, at all. You had to push him to even come out to you, after you had not only come out to him, but had come on to him. So, a relationship with him might mean staying in the closet for a really long time (indefinitely, potentially forever). For example, you can't really come out to your other roommates without exposing him. If they haven't noticed anything already, you coming out while he "seems gay" would make it really hard for them not to figure out what's going on.

If you are willing to pursue a totally secret, closeted romance--one you don't tell anyone about--you should probably present that as an option in the kind of discussion Lex was talking about above. But understand, it's not unheard of for a couple to remain closeted their whole lives, with one partner coming out only after the other has died. Is that something you're willing to face?

Incidentally, who is the second person you're out to? Is it someone who knows your crush?

^^Okay, so that part was all written before your last post.

As to your talk, you can be honest about having feelings without being so explicit that it's overwhelming. Make sure he knows that you are interested in pursuing something serious, but don't necessarily say that you're "head over heels in love" with him.

Don't ask if you're annoying him, you will only devalue yourself. If you are annoying him, he can bring it up.

Go for more or less the conversation Lex described, in which you talk about what the different options are going forward--make sure he knows both what you would think is ideal, and also what other options you would be willing to pursue with him, and find out what he wants.

 

I wouldn't start the conversation off like that...that automatically puts you in a defensive position..to where you will have to say "jezz, I'm sorry I've been bugging you".

It's obvious that he has been thinking about this as well...other wise he would not have said "yes that needs to happen".

Should you prepare for a let down? Yes.
Does that mean it will happen? No.
But I have always found it best to prepare for the worst in situations like this.

You two have "hung out" long enough to where I think you can be completely honest with him...but not in a "I think about you all the time" way. I would simply just start it off by saying what you feel, say something on the lines of: "look, I'll be honest I am starting to develop some deep feelings for you and I need to know where this is going" or something like that.

 

Well, it's good that he's okay with it. But if he's still pretty uncomfortable with even gay people knowing, that pretty much confirms that he is not really ready to be out.

Are you pretty clear in your own mind about what you want, and what would be acceptable or unacceptable to you? That's probably the most important thing, to prepare for your talk.

---------- Post added 11th Mar 2011 at 11:12 AM ----------

^^Also, I agree with this.