Going to College

string3343, congrats on being out to your brother! At least one family member knows! That's a start. I have not faced this problem myself, but I do have a question: why don't you want your parents to find out? Are you afraid of something in particular, or do you just generally think that they won't approve? I ask because, given the situation that you're describing, it seems impossible that they won't find out. But I think that coming out in college is a great idea, and presents wonderful opportunities for self-discovery. So I'm wondering if there's some way to come to terms with your parents knowing (or even come out to them yourself so that they don't have to hear about it from someone else). Can you articulate more what your fear in their finding out is?

 

If it's an Ivy League school, that means there are several thousand people on campus at the very least. Unless you're posting your sexuality onto your news feed every other night, no one at home is going to find out unless you tell them, especially since it's in another state. I go to a much smaller Christian university near my home and some of my family still doesn't know and I did what you want to do. Just come out at college and live your life and don't worry about it. I hope everything works out for you. (*hug*)

 

Thanks for the extra info. I understand better where you're coming from now.

I think that your relationship with them will change, at least temporarily, because you're showing them a side of you that they haven't encountered before. I don't know your parents, so I can't be sure of their reaction, but just because they're conservative doesn't mean that they wouldn't be okay with you being who you are. I am not saying this to try and get you to come out to them now, but it's something to keep in mind. Unless you grew up hearing blatant homophobic remarks, you can't be sure of how they feel about homosexuality, and more importantly, how they'd feel about you being gay. You have to tell them when you're ready, but I hope that you will give them the benefit of the doubt, at least unless they have given you cause to believe otherwise.

I'm going to have to disagree with Kidd here. He may end up being right. It's possible that you'll go to school and never run into the kids from your hometown, but because you have clearly stated that you're not ready for your parents to know, it's important that you go into this knowing that someone from your town could end up in your dorm, or having a mutual friend, or in a class of yours, et cetera. I am in graduate school at a huge university (30,000 students--more than ANY of the Ivys), and people from my undergraduate college and my hometown have ended up at my school, socializing with my friends, and even in a different division of the same department that I'm in. So you never know. I think it's safer and more practical to assume that someone from your hometown will find out, and you should think about what you might do if/when that happens.

Like I said, college is a great time to come out, and I think that you'll have a great experience there, but if you are ever going to hold hands with a boy or wear a gay pride t-shirt or join a queer student organization, then you have to entertain the idea that one of your neighbor's kids might see you. Could you come out to them and ask them not to tell anyone at home? Will your parents necessarily confront you about it if they hear rumors?

Lots of things to think about here--let me know if I can be more helpful. Congrats on getting into college; I'm really excited for your life to begin, and I hope you are too! I just want you to have realistic expectations, and not be blindsided if things don't go as planned

 

You know, my college has 20,000 people (10,000 undergrads), and I have managed to run into the one person from my high school-- our former college counselor, in fact-- who goes here. And if these people actually seek you out, then you can't fully hide. Plan on them being at least vaguely aware of your LGBT-related activities, because word can travel, especially with Facebook. It's one thing to hide it from out-of-state relatives, but it's another thing to hide it from people who are physically present on campus.

The good news is that, at an Ivy, you're going to be able to join a large and highly supportive LGBT community. And I guarantee there will be people in a similar situation to yours. You may not be able to be visibly active by, say, taking on a leadership role in an LGBT club, but you can definitely make a lot of friends who can give you support and understanding. That will help to prepare you to come out fully.

 

I took classes at a local university last semester. And I had one guy from my school in my computer class. I also saw one of my friends from my high school at least once a day. And, as I was browsing the bookstore's gift shop for a gift for my mom's b-day, my one time crush came up to me and helped me find something (she worked there).

But there are also people I know that go to that school that I never ran into, not once. I think it all depends on if you're lucky (unlucky) enough to run into them.

I suggest starting slowly. Like, develop good friendships with people then tell them. I wouldn't just shout it out, unless you're really ready for that. I do suggest going to a LGBT group though. They have great information for coming out and you can meet people who might be going through the same thing you are.

 

I am out of state at college and I am really happy I took the opportunity to be out at school. I go to a very small college and still, most people aren't probably aware of my sexuality. And if they are, it isn't a big deal. However, if you are worried about people who know you family and are at school with you, maybe talk to them and let them know you are not ready for your family to know. Also, be careful on fb if you are friends with family. But I think you could get away with being out and not having your family knowing. Many of my gay friends' parents don't know. College is a great time to explore and learn about yourself, including your sexuality. After you start to figure yourself out some more, you might be more comfortable coming out to your parents.