Same old story? Probably

From my experience, all straight guys do is talk about girls. I'm sure you realize this by now if you live with straight guys. So...if you aren't talking about girls all the time, and at the same time you are noticing guys, it's highly doubtful that you are straight.

About the gay thing, well, I have to say it sounds a lot like my experience. I always had crushes on guys but I also had/still have a lot of negative feelings about the word gay. Its hard to label yourself something that people have used all your life as a synonym for bad/stupid. So, if you are a guy and have crushes on guys, call it whatever you want but technically that is what gay is (I know, thats obvious, but I sortof had to realize this myself - just recently in October actually!)

About talking to them about it, I have no idea, I'm in the exact same situation as you (see the thread below). Sorry about that :icon_redf Welcome to the board

 

Don't worry about it, asking questions is good, if you don't you might not get an answer. I think that when it comes to finding out for sure what your sexuality is, you can only really sort it out after lots of time reviewing what it is you feel. Instead of thinking of it as black and white, gay and straight or even just bi, there are a variety of feelings in the middle where-as you can mostly be attracted to men, mentally and physically but have a little bit of an attraction to some female attributes, or 50/50 etc.

However since you have never really found a girl attractive in that way, I would say the chance are you may be gay. I remember thinking that I would grow out of it, but I kind of scrapped that after a couple of years and the realisation that it was just immbedded in who I am and can't be changed without changing who I was. But still give it some thought just to make sure you know what you feel.

As for coming out I would suggest it but it's not as if there is a major rush, give it some time maybe hint it to your more openminded friends and perhaps you'll be lucky enough for one of them to ask you, or just pluck up the courage to tell them yourself if you feel it would work, you don't have to come out all at once or anything, maybe to some more reliable friends/family first.

To be fair, if they can't except you for who you really are after you explain your feelings to them, they probably aren't really worth it or will need some time to come to terms with it. But don't rush, take things slow and at your own steady pace, and try to work yourself out. Hope this helped.

 

Hi, and welcome! You're in the right place.

I don't think you are being too dramatic. Your feelings sound pretty normal to me, for someone still in the process of coming out to himself.

A lot of people don't realize that they are gay until they are adults, and some are a lot older than you are now. I was 30, and there are other posters here who were even older, and married with kids. So your situation is not unusual at all.

As to your roommates, you could start by putting feelers out about their general attitudes toward gay people. You could discuss politics, and find out where they stand on gay-related issues. If they support DOMA or whatever, though, make sure you understand why, rather than just assuming they hate gay people. You need to get at their reasoning, not just their political position. You could also talk about gay celebrities, and then broaden the discussion to gay people generally to get a sense of how they feel about the subject.

Make sure you approach the subject in a neutral or positive way yourself, though. You might find it tempting to say something nasty about gay people in order to reduce the risk that they will think you are gay, but if you introduce homophobia into the conversation yourself, it will only show whether they will go along with it, not whether they feel that way independently.

Do you know any gay people? (Really, this question should be "Do you know any gay people who are out to you?" You almost certainly know some gay people, even if you don't know they are gay.) If there is anyone you know is gay, you might consider talking to that person.

Also, a lot of gay people feel more comfortable telling an opposite-sex friend first. It eliminates the fear that the person you are telling will think it means you are attracted to them. Do you have any trustworthy female friends?

I'm making all these suggestions, because while Empty Closets is helpful, it isn't quite the same as talking to someone in person. But there's no rush. Don't feel bad about taking as much time as you need before coming out to anyone.

Do try to avoid dating anyone you aren't genuinely attracted to, though. That will only cause you and the other person pain.

 

I think that is very encouraging. If you talk to them some more about gay topics, you should be able to gauge their responses, which will make you less unsure. Then you will be able to decide if you feel like it's a good idea to come out to them.

 

You won't get a good diagnotic from talking to your straight guy friends, I remember several years ago I foolishly blurted out that I didn't get an erection from any of the girls at this strip club, even though the lap dancers were hot. My friends just offered a list of reasons why that could happen and told me not to worry about it

 

I'm sort of in the same boat.

With girls, I'm comfortable but not too into them so it would be unfair for them if we date.
With guys, I'm into them but not too comfortable so it would also be unfair for them if we date.
So now idk what to do with myself.

But I hope you figure it out. I know it's hard.

 

Welcome to EC Jacket. I tried to 'grow' out of it. I fooled myself for many years that i was straight and could stop being attracted to men 'if i really wanted too'. Truth is, i couldn't and didn't grow out of it, and after 20+ years of adulthood and trying to change myself to 'normal', i've realized that i'm trully and fully gay. I am growing to accept that.

I'm glad that I found EC. It has helped me alot, both directly and indirectly. It has been a place where i could come and share my thoughts and feelings and problems. A place where there is ALWAYS someone here to help and listen. This is why i'm sticking around here, to pass on whatever help to someone else i can. Stick around for a while, have a read of other peoples coming out processes (and that is what it is, a process). You will probably find many similar situations as your own.

Don't worry so much about your roommates reactions. Come to terms with yourself first. Then when you feel ready to tell someone, look to whom you can count on the most support, it may end up being a GSA or LGBT group or your best friend, brother, dad, mother or someone else entirely. Have some RL support in your life, before you think about tackling the task of coming out to others.

congrats on finding us in this part of the net.

 

Welcome, Jacket (and you too, Ecap)!

There's something so...FINAL...about coming out, even to ourselves. Up until this point, it's all been in our heads, and we can simply call "backsies" on everything at any given time, and start being "normal". But once we admit it to somebody, even ourselves, it makes it more...REAL. We're no longer just thinking about being gay, or fantasizing about being gay. It's the first step towards the reality. Which includes telling people, and possible negative reactions, and actually going out and meeting other gay guys, dating them, and (gulp) going to bed with them. It's an exceptionally scary step.

Just know that it tends to be one of those less-than-completely-justified fears. Generally after coming out, people tend to feel more relief and elation than anything else. You may not have everything go completely swimmingly, but in the long run, it tends to be a smoother path than we envision.

It sounds like your friends will be accepting. Just take comfort in that, and don't worry about telling them just yet. Keep working on coming out to the most important person first - you.

Lex

 

I love Lex, he and Chips advice is always so good isnt it?

First of all do not hate yourself for these feelings. You are completely normal, and it is ok to question your sexuality. Being afraid to admit to yourself that you might be gay is very common, and being terrified of coming out is even more common. Remember that there are thousands of people that share your frustration, allot of them are on here

From what I can understand it is more than likely that you are gay and you are a little afraid to admit it yet, but it is really awesome that you are willing to say that you really want to talk to your friends about it. Thats very brave, and so I congratulate you.

Now here is where it gets kind of sticky:
-You need to make time for yourself, to find out who you are, and to see who you are truly attracted to.
-Admit to yourself that this is who you are.

You dont have to move fast with coming out yet. Take things one step at a time for now, ok? The time will come when you can tell someone special to you, then someone else, and so on and so forth. But for now, I think that you are your most important person.

Keep us updated.

 

For me, for a long time the whole thing was confusing because on one hand I was like "I know I'm sooo gay" but on the other hand I was like "nooo I can't possibly be gay!".

The whole "just a phase thing" threw me off for a few years too. At least for those years when I thought it was "a phase" I didnt feel so guilty about it, but it ended up being really destructive to me when I realized that it wasnt "a phase".

 

No problem! The biggest thing that helped me was meeting other gay people. I have a few openly gay friends now, and it's really funny when you hear their stories about crushes, being in the closet, coming out, etc - because its so similar to what I went through! It's a lot like hanging out with straight friends except you can talk about boys and there is way less swearing. :icon_wink

This was the most surprising thing - I thought I would not be able to relate to them at all, but actually there are so many funny common things that we could sit around and tell stories and laugh for hours! Anyways, if you ever need anyone to talk to you can just send me a PM and I will be happy to help!

 

I didn't want to admit it at first, either.
I told myself that same sex attraction was something everybody experienced at one point or another and that eventually I would become attracted to women.
It never happened.
For this portion of your process, EC can help a lot.

 

I think the hard part is coming out to yourself. (Or maybe I just think that because that's as far as I've gotten? lol) Something tells me my friends won't be as surprised as I was.
Whatever you discover, this is a safe & accepting place to explore. Welcome!

 

hehehe, when i think back when i thought about what i realy am... it just came out like yours.

Since i was little i felt like an attraction for guys but i didn't know what you call it or realy what it was. I first thought this is a natural pull to guys you want as friends.
When i came to be in middle high school i sort of know that this isn't actualy normal and what i feel for guys is what straight guys feels for girls.

I knew a couple of gay guys in school, but as these were of the womany type i didn't associate myself as being gay. I then thought i was bi. What was strange though is i never even had a relationship with a girl, didn't even kissed one (appart form a few who were friends). Once i moved from my home town (a town so small if you go out of your front door the morning everyone will know what kind and colour of underwear you are wearing... if you catch my drift) to the city i still thought i was bi... i was nearly 20 years old then.

But then something happend that opened my eyes... i get these times where i don't want people around me for months on end and this gave me the time to reflect on who i want to share my life with, what would i love to do with this person and that answered my question.

As you might or might not have read... i figures there are different levels of being gay, not just the womanly type. So i came to the conclusion that i am basicaly like a straight guy with the only differnce is that i love guys instead of girls.

hope this helps you abit