I need to vent. I'm a 22 year old guy and I feel really frustrated. I'm gay, but I've never told anyone that I know. When I was younger I was extremely religious, and not one of those talk-the-talk-without-walking-the-walk types, I didn't even masturbate until I was 18 because I had been so religious (not doing all those years really screwed me and left me neurotic for a long while too). I'm even a theology minor in school (theology in an academic context, not a propaganda one, so it was actually very helpful for my development). But now I feel like if I ever do come out I'm going to be judged, and I really don't want to put myself in a position of being looked down upon. My mom is extremely homophobic, but she's also the kind of person who gave up her life in a sense to take care of her kids, so I feel like I'd be letting her down if I ever told her (I know that's not fair/logical thought but I can't help it). I'm terrible at meeting friends and I have a bit of a social avoidance disorder. I'm going to graduate this year and I never made any friends in college; the only ones I have are from highschool. Most of them don't even live in NY anymore (it's nice to talk on the phone/online etc, but it's not the same as having people around you in person), and the few that do I either rarely get to see. I've never been in a relationship or even been kissed, and I'm just getting older and I feel pathetic about it already. Plus I'm very anxious about ever being intimate w/ someone to begin w/ because 1) I have a condition where I have to supplement hormones w/ medicine because I don't produce them, so I get testosterone through needles, but as a result I've got extremely small testicles and I'm terribly self conscious about, and 2) I've got a weird hyper pigmentation thing on my penis, so when it's soft it looks weird and dirty at the head. I'm so self conscious about it that I'd almost rather just not have sex at all, but at the same time I practically just want to hook up w/ any guy at this point. And I'm still on iffy grounds in the context of spirituality too. I keep going from unhealthy religious highs (being extremely religious, which makes me happy, but then getting torn down overtime due to strains of sins) and lows (being completely disconnected from religion and not caring about any sins or morality, which has its perks at first until I get depressed and become a selfish self centered shell). I'm on a low right now. And I'm supposed to be applying to grad school now (I'm a psychology major ironically- if it wasn't for studying psychology years ago I'd still be 100000 times more neurotic), but I'm terrible at math, I didn't do well back when I took the SAT (despite having very high grades) and merely exploring the concept of taking the GRE's literally left me cradling myself in fetal position at one point. And I need to be taking it now if I'm going to apply to any Masters programs (I only have a 3.48 overall gpa so I'm not even good enough to get into a Ph.D program at this moment). There's only 1 school I can apply to that has a late deadline, and if I don't get into that then I have no idea what I'm going to do, and that's a very alien-stressful feeling to me. I realize I should probably a psychologist myself, but (despite all that I've already revealed) I REALLY have issues w/ revealing myself to people, the only reason I was able to do it here is because no one knows who I am and you can't actually see me. Plus, I'd have to tell my mom I want to see a therapist 0_0 (I'm under her insurance). Not that she wouldn't be okay w/ it, I suppose, but the idea of asking feels like the equivalence of going to confession; I'd think I'd pass out puking before I even got a chance to speak.
Wow dude, that's a ton of pent up emotion. If you don't feel ready to come out to your parents, I'd avoid it for now. I assume you're living away from home? They don't need to know yet and you shouldn't force yourself out -- when the time is right, you'll know. As for making friends, I can totally sympathize. It's hard enough being socially awkward, but when you have this huge secret, it's hard to let anyone get too close. I don't really know what more to say -- maybe coming out will help you gain self-confidence and thus expand your friendships. And then there's religion. Personally, I try to focus more on spirituality instead -- the beauty of the world, love is the overarching power, etc. -- because my family is pretty much all hippies and us kids were told to go our own way and find out what we believed to be true. Maybe you need to question your religion and wonder why you believe it. If you feel oppressed by the bible's views on homosexuality, I'd recommend watching "For the Bible Tells Me So", a really interesting documentary about the bible and how various interpretation have lead to homophobia and the suppression of the GLBT community. It's really interesting to see the different opinions offered, and it really makes you think about the bible how it can be taken in so many different ways. I started therapy a few years ago as a way to deal with my depression (a good hunk of which was related to being closeted) and it really, really helped. At first it felt mad weird to talk to a stranger about my feelings, but after only a little while it got to feel really natural. And it was incredibly useful and gave me the courage to come out. Good luck man. <3 You'll figure everything out eventually. We're all learning on the job.
There's no need to worry that you haven't told anyone you know. Whatever age you come out at is the right age for you. I hadn't told another soul about my sexuality until I was 20, and I didn't tell a second person until I was 21. And you'll find lots of people on here who were older when they came out. As for telling your mother, I certainly found telling my parents the most difficult thing. I spent more time worrying about how, when, and whether to tell them, and what their reaction might be, than I spent worrying about anyone else. It's only natural. As to whether you tell her or not, that's up to you. If you think it's best not to, and you're happy with that... it's your life, and you've got to do what you judge best. I was nearly 22 when I first kissed a guy, and it was only very recently (I'm nearly 25) that I got my first boyfriend, so rest assured that you're far from the only one! Everyone is self-conscious about some aspect of their body. Three things: 1. I've found that what I'm self-conscious about isn't a big deal for other people (I've got really big ears, but my boyfriend thinks they're lovely). 2. I don't think it much matters what a penis looks like, and in any case, it ought to be safely wrapped in a condom! 3. If you're having sex with a guy, what it looks like soft isn't likely to be a concern...:icon_wink I'm not a religious guy, so I can't offer much advice on that side of things. I know that at least one member of EC is a minister, who will no doubt be much more able to help with that sort of thing than I am, but I will say that there is no contradiction in being both gay and religious!
Thanks . ---------- Post added 14th Mar 2011 at 04:18 PM ---------- Oh wow, really. LOL! Not in the heat of the moment, but afterwards when things settle down I'll fee like a freak :bang:.
I am not christian but my mother is. Very very christian. This is the main reason I feel I could never tell her I'm gay- I just know while she'd act supportive she would be so dissapointed inside. She is contantly going on about 'when you meet your future wife...' or 'when you have kids...' etc. etc. (ok, not constantly but it feels like it). Shes another mother who gave up alot to raise kids. So yeah I can get where your coming from with some of this :/.
wow congradulations on venting, that can take a lot of emotion and courage to do, especially online at times. I have a thought on the religious aspect. I myself call myself a Unitarian Universalist. It's a religion known for equality and as a religion for people in between religions. I've met people who have called them selves UU Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, etc, etc. The only important thing that we agree on as being UU's is the fact that we respect all and agree on that each person is important, etc. Just search UU seven principles on google if you want to know more. It could be a way to help balance out your spirituality.
Hey congrats on venting it out? I selected some stuff from your post in which I have been through/going through similarly but not exactly the same, so that you can see you are not alone. As for me, I am conquering slowly or have conquered some of the fears and doubts about myself. From the way you posed your venting, I have no doubt that you are someone with a good head on your shoulders and you will get through all your pressure.
Just a little suggestion for the Masters programme - if the thought of the GRE is too stressful for you, you might consider doing a year abroad in Europe. Masters are one year courses in most countries here, and require no weird exams. They tend to have good scholarships, if you're good, too.
Oh wow, that's really intriguing actually. I wanted to be in a study abroad program to England as an Undergrad, but they dropped England off their list and I was always too scared to go anywhere else.
As far as sins go, the only things I consider sins are things that hurt other people. Stealing, beating, killing, raping, defaming are sins. Being gay is not included. You've got lots of time to get with someone still. Just don't wait until you're my age. I bet you can do it
The UK (my home country) would probably be the most problematic for you, tuition fees are higher, less scholarships, etc. Check out the Scandanavian countries, Netherlands and Belgium, those countries are a lot less expensive (in terms of tuition fees.. Scandanavian living costs might be very high), and have a fair few courses in English. There isn't much pressure to learn the language either (although they appreciate it if you try!)
Hi, Bloody Rose (what a name!) First, welcome to EC. You're among friends here and many, many people, here and everywhere else, have had many, most, or even all of your issues before, so you're far from alone. Second, congratulations on accepting yourself, or at least on coming to grips with your feelings and starting yourself on that process. It isn't easy to do coming out of a strongly religious and anti-gay upbringing, and even less so with a bible-thumping homophobic mother. I think you might be surprised just how many things you are concerned about that, over time, can be addressed in a way that will end up well for all concerned. So, here are some thoughts First, you might be underestimating your mom. One of my good friends was very concerned about coming out to his mom because she was very religious, and because he was the only "non-fuckup" kid (the others had drug and delinquency issues and other problems) he was convinced that, being the "good kid" it would crush her for him to come out to her. But... he met a wonderful guy, they started dating, and after a year or so (during which time he and his "friend" showed up together for family functions a few times) he came out to her... to which her response was "I knew it!!" (in a positive, happy way) and... she was totally accepting. My guess is that she had some time to work it through when she started to suspect, but ultimately, his partner is now her "son in law" and both he and his partner are welcomed in the family. And I have known dozens of other people over the years who had to deal with deeply religious parents, and in nearly all cases, even when the parents initially had huge problems, they eventually understood, accepted, and loved their sons and daughters no differently than they had before. The anxiety and social avoidance is no doubt tied into the upbringing and having to live a closeted life. But the good news is... as you venture out of the closet, I think you'll find that the social anxiety and avoidance will start to get better, as you learn to feel more comfortable with yourself. Therapy probably is a good idea, and I can understand why it would be difficult to bring that up to your mom (not to mention the questions it might raise), so that's something you'll have to weigh. You could use your education as a cover; you didn't specifically mention what masters program you're considering, but if it's psych or social work, most graduate programs in those fields encourage students to get therapy for themselves as part of their training and preparation, so you could easily use that excuse with your mom, without having to reveal to her what might actually be driving your interest. Spirituality can be a challenge reconciling your prior beliefs with who you are now. But that is something that you can allow to develop over time; my own spiritual beliefs evolved over many years and much thought, and I've eventually come to a place, spiritually, that for me is consistent, helpful to me, and gives me understanding. I'm sure that if you simply allow yourself the privilege of exploring instead of judging how well you fit into a given spiritual practice that you will find the same thing over time. As far as your dangly bits... I've known people with unusual pigmentation on their penis, and people with unusually large or small testes. Nobody cares. Really. Maybe in junior high school, people rip on each other about stuff like that, but no one who is interested in you as a person is going to be bothered or turned off by that... and if you happen to run into someone who is, that's someone with some serious issues that probably isn't a person you want to be with anyway. Lastly, on the topic of grad school... I don't know if you've considered an MSW (Masters of Social Work) program as an alternative to an MA or other variant in psychology, but you might want to give that some consideration if your interest is in being a therapist or working with people (as opposed to being a researcher.) Social workers have a wider scope of practice than masters-level psychologists do; they can practice individual and group therapy, but they also receive additional training in family and social systems and are equipped to work in institutional as well as individual settings. And social work programs, because they are generally not research focused, are usually much less focused on quantitative skills, so many do not even require the GRE. The added bonus is... I know of two social work programs (both are mostly online) that have admissions cycles you could still apply for. One closes in June (for a January program start) and the other has rolling admissions and programs that start throughout the year. (There are likely some such programs in psychology as well.) So... there are many options, it's just a matter of looking at your issues from the perspective of problems to be overcome, rather than insurmountable obstacles. I hope that gives you something to think about. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more, or want more specifics on schools and such.
I feel like with time, a LOT of time, she would eventually just learn to live with it and everything would make sense. But before that could happen I'm sure there's going to be a lot of distress :x. Either way, I wouldn't tell her until I at least moved out. LOL, I'm positive that on some unconscious level one of the reasons I continued to do psychology was because I knew you'd have to see a psychologist in graduate school. I've done a lot of psycho analysis on my self actually (often w/ the visage of a therapist talking to me), and its worked wonders. So that would definitely be something that I would do. I ended up minoring in theology and that has helped quite a bit (I go to a catholic school, but it's academic theology, not a *this-is-why-you-should-believe-in-God* kind of thing). Just seeing how the formation of beliefs/rules came into being, the shadyness, all kind of things like that helped me a lot (when I had entered college 4 years ago I was insanely neurotic about such things). But like you said, it's a difficult but progressive movement, so hopefully in the future I'll have things sorted out a bit more. One of the problems I kept having was making a conscious, official choice between being completely abstinent and allowing myself the pursuit of love. I had chosen to be abstinent all the years previously (rather than just not being able to find someone), until finally around a year ago I officially decided that I'd rather at least open myself up to the possibility of love. *facepalm* LOL! Thanks, that helped a lot . I'll look into those grad programs as well.
