Closet becoming crowded

Is there a reason you don't come out? Like, are you religious (or have a religious family)? Are you afraid of getting gay-bashed?

I suggest finding one friend, a good friend, it can be a non-relative, a relative, anyone that you really trust.

Since you've mentioned that you're in college, do you know if your college has any LGBT groups? Sometimes they'll offer a form of counseling so that you can talk your problems out with someone who has gone through a lot of the issues you're going through. I suggest going there, they can give you all kinds of resource materials and ideas for coming out.

Most importantly. Coming out is NOT a race. Take it at your own pace. If you want to go fast, go fast. If you want to go slow, go slow. No one is pressuring you, so don't pressure yourself. Make sure you come out when you're comfortable, not when you think people would want to hear it. If you're not comfortable yet, don't do it.

As for the girls, you don't want them. Tell them you're not interested. Tell them that you are not interested in a relationship because of school or some other reason. You may be using the girls to fill the space of physical intimacy that you're not getting from guys. You feel lonely. But it's not fair to be with these girls and not want them back. Be honest with not wanting to be with them, even if you tell a white lie about why you don't want to be with them.

Take it slow. Don't do anything that you are not comfortable with. This is your journey, no one else's. Do it the way you want to.

 

Welcome to EC!

As I said in another thread recently, it can be really frightening to make any moves towards coming out, as it gives a sort of "finality" to the whole gay thing. Up until then, it's all internal, and it's like you can vanquish it all by saying "OK, now I'm straight". But once you start telling people (or dating/hooking up with guys), that makes it more "real".

>>>I just can't imagine myself as gay yet, and I just worry about my future as a gay man.

Being gay means precisely one thing - you dig guys. That's it. That's all. Everything else stays precisely the same. I dress in T-shirts and jeans every day. I listen to rock music. I have season tickets to a contact sport. But me like-y the dick-y, and that means I'm gay.

Your "future as a gay man" doesn't have to be any different from your "future as a straight man". Everything you had hoped to see in the distance - career, house, car, married, kids - is all still obtainable. The only difference is your wife is going to have a penis.

You might benefit from spending some more time around other gay folk. Just reading and posting here might be a benefit. You might also think about the gay student union at your university. Once you meet and get to know more gay folks, your idea about "what is gay" will probably change, and you'll probably start feeling a lot better about it. And at that point, coming out won't seem like such a daunting task.

Lex

 

hey im not really able to give advice because im pretty much in the same situation as you.

but from what you said above you sound like you have an amazing support system in place who will be there for you when you are eventually ready

Welcome to EC.

 

>>>There is no reason for me to not come out, except that being gay just doesn't fit this whole romanticized, storybook vision I had for my life. Wife, kids, all that etc.

Again, there's no reason it doesn't have to. The changes (husband for wife, adopted or surrogate children for standard biologically conceived ones) are minor enough that the overall picture shouldn't change much at all. Do give it some thought.

Lex

 

Then why not come out to him first? It would be good to come out to someone who can help you in your not-online persona life.

 

That makes sense. It really does, the reason why you don't want to come out. You had an idea about your life, and it was shattered. Many people go through this over many different issues.

Maybe you could find a way to contact your friends while you're at college? Facebook, etc. Yes, it's not as personal, and I only suggest doing it if you feel it cannot wait. But that's your decision.

I know many colleges have counseling programs, if that is something you wouldn't mind looking into. A college I went to provided free stress management, depression, and general therapy for students. Maybe you could look into something like that?

As for the girls. Just tell them you're not interested. If you have to use the, "Its not me, its you" speech, use it. It's better than these girls thinking you have a chance with them, when they don't. Tell them you want to focus on your education more. It makes sense for a lot of college kids. You could even tell the girls, "I just want to be friends, I don't see us having a romantic future together, but I don't want to lose you as a friend."

Finally, if you haven't come to terms with it, don't come out. Try some 'coping' techniques. Like, try writing 'I'm gay' on a piece of paper a number of times. You can ditch this piece of paper in a wastebasket somewhere and no one besides you will know about it. Stuff like that will help. If you're an avid reader, you could read books. As weird as it sounds, it helped me cope because as I read the books I thought, "Oh my god, that's exactly what I'm going through right now." You can personify this fictional character with your own emotions. I suggest "Lucky" by Eddie D'Olivera. It's about a guy who realizes he's bisexual when he goes to college and how he copes with it. His family and friend situation is similar to yours.

Just take it slow and with EC, you're not alone in your journey

 

First of all, welcome to EC! :smilewave
I hope we'll be able to help you out, and that you'll have fun here in the meantime!

Your situation does sound very similar to where I was at the start of college. At the time, all the signs were there: I liked guys, hadn't actually thought of girls in years, though I faked interest every so often (never to the point of dating, though), and generally kept hoping it would all be a bad dream and I'd wake up straight one day.
I actually kept that up all through college, but eventually it started to dawn on me that I couldn't change who I was, but that I could learn to become happy with it. And so far I haven't been disappointed.

What I did was pretty close to what the others recommend.
First of all: it can take some time to get comfortable with it yourself. Like Flyers said, it helps to just immerse yourself in it a bit. Try writing down "I'm gay". Try saying it out loud in a mirror (when no one is around). Stop forcing yourself to look for a potential female date and enjoy looking at cute guys. Try to imagine how dating a guy would be. How it would be to actually have a relationship with one (bear in mind that living together with a guy, and having kids are perfectly possible these days). And when it gets to sex... well, I think you get the idea

You don't need to come out to all your friends at once. In fact, I tend to recommend taking a cautious approach and coming out to a few first. I came out to the one gay guy in my group of friends first, and asked him to keep it quiet for a bit, while I worked up the courage to tell others. Being gay himself, he was perfectly understanding and willing to help me (even though I was the biggest overt homophobe in my circle of friends before that). From there, I came out to a couple of them, one at a time. And by the time half of them knew, I was ready to come out entirely.

That's one plan, but it seems an idea is already crystallising in your mind. In any case, stick around. Talking to other gay guys, if only online, can already help a lot. And we're always here if you need more information!

 

This was me about 4 years ago - and honestly it is a bit painful to read. I did the exact same thing, except I made the decision to go back into the closet. I really hope you dont make the same mistake as I did, because being in the closet and keeping secrets just gets harder.

 

I didn't come out of the closet until I was 20 or 21. Less because of fear, but simply because I was simply clueless. I really didn't have any idea I was gay until my junior of college, at which point it was sort of a big "duh" moment for me. Did anybody have any issue with me coming out late? Not so far as I know. I didn't even have to tell them about my cluelessness. It seems most people are aware that coming out isn't an easy path for most people, and that people become ready at different points in their life. They seem to know that even if everybody is going to be accepting (as appears to be true for you, and as was true for me) doesn't mean it's going to be an easy step to take. So don't fret much about how your friends will take it.

Your plan sounds like a good one. Keep working on yourself, and cut the girls off at the pass. I think you'll come around to a better spot sooner than later.

Lex

 

Hi mrbigshot,welcome to ec.

As Lex has already pointed out,your plan on coming out sounds pretty good.

Now that you have accepted being gay,giving yourself that extra bit of time to come to terms with it and get more comfortable with yourself will make coming out both easier and a better expirience.

Good luck