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Have I been part of the Ultimate group of homophobes?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bari94, Mar 15, 2011.

  1. bari94

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    I have played baseball since I was 5, and this will be my third year playing baseball in high school. I recently came out to a very close group of friends, and I have been slowly expanding the number of people that know. As expected, due to the nature of high school, there are some people that I haven't told that know. I found out today that the list also includes some members of my baseball team. Today at practice, some of them started making fun of me, and even the coach joined in (although I am pretty sure that he did not know the whole situation). It also dawned on me that baseball players in general are pretty homophobic. The word faggot is tossed around at least ten times a practice, whether it is used to describe the stupidity of an oppossing player, a stupid act that someone does, or truly calling someone out that they think might be gay. They constantly talk about how they hate faggots, and I cannot stand to hear them talk like this. The problem is though, everyone does it. Even the captains. I cannot stand up against them, because they are captains, and people would be mad at me for "disrespecting" them. I have no idea what I can do to get them to stop, while not antagonizing them or getting suspended. Does anyone have any ideas?
     
  2. zerogravity

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    You could try talking to the coach - he probably has no idea that any athletic guy could possibly be gay :rolle:. You don't deserve to deal with this everyday.

    On a side-note, some of the worst homophobes are closeted gays.
     
  3. bari94

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    I will try. He has a tendancy to not listen to people's problems though. He calls them wusses or faggots for complaining. :icon_sad:

    As for the side-note, I wish that was true in this circumstance. However, I doubt that the entire baseball team is gay.

    Thank you for your feedback. I will try to talk to him.
     
  4. alexi12

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    If your coach is being homophobic and you feel comfortable doing the following, maybe you can talk to your principal or someone like that about your coach. They can probably do something if he turns out to totally reject what you are saying.
     
  5. ToTheCeilingFan

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    Dude, that's is sexual harassment. It should be brought to the school's attention immediately. The guys on your team are learning behaviors and habits partly from your coach, and if he's a homophobe that can't help anyone. Calling someone by an offensive slur that puts their sexuality in a negative light is considered sexual harassment. If your team is part of the school system, your coach could be fired for that. God, why are people such ignorant bigots? :eusa_naug

    Best of luck, for the most part the people that really matter love you unconditionally and don't care. (*hug*)
     
  6. bari94

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    That is a really good idea. My principal worksk very closely with, and supports our schools GSA. Thank you for this idea.

    ---------- Post added 15th Mar 2011 at 10:09 PM ----------

    I know it is sexual harrasment, but sometimes I feel powerless against it. I will definately try to talk to someone at the school about it.

    And I have no clue why people are like that!

    Thanks (*hug*)
     
  7. Ianthe

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    Hello, I see it's your first post, so welcome!

    1.) First, ask them politely to stop. Specifically, talk to the coach and the captains each privately. Tell them that baseball is important to you, and believe you have been a valuable member of the team for the last two years. You would like their help in making sure that the camaraderie of the team isn't damaged by the conflict around your coming out.

    You want to appeal to the needs of the team, because this will remind them that they have responsibilities to the team, including you. You want to ask for their help rather than accusing them of anything, because this will avoid the problem where they think you are "disrespecting" them. (This is also why you want to speak to them privately, rather than confronting them in front of people.)

    Since you don't think your coach understands the whole situation, make sure to explain it to him as clearly as you can. Remember that you want to take the approach of caring about the effect this will have on the team, as well as your wanting to stay on.

    If you have the nerve, when other team mates bother you (non-captains), look them in the face (!!!) and say, "Yes, I'm gay. Could you please stop bothering me about it?"

    I know it doesn't seem like that could possibly work--and it doesn't always. But I have found that it is often more effective than I expect, and it is always the first thing to try. If nothing else, if further steps are necessary, you will be able to say honestly that you did what was in your power to try to resolve it yourself.

    2.) If they keep harassing you, and you haven't seen any action from your coach after a few days, it's time to put it in writing. Write a letter to your coach, again asking for his help with this problem, and referring back to the private conversation that you had with him. Explain in this letter that you are concerned that, if your teammates keep harassing you, you will be forced to leave the team because of the hostile environment they are creating. "Harassment" and "hostile environment" are the grounds for lawsuits, so you should be taken more seriously. You don't want to introduce these terms until you have already tried playing nice, though. In this letter, you should definitely ask him to stop using the word "faggot" as well. You want it to be a formal letter, and you must not be rude at all, even at this point.

    I recommend email, for delivering the letter, because it will automatically go to your sent mail folder with information about who you sent it to and when. You have the option of sending it only to your coach, or sending a courtesy copy to your principal and maybe your school counselor. From what you say, I think you should probably cc the principal. If you don't, and the letter still doesn't result in any change, write another one, referring to the first letter, and cc the principal on that one.

    Hopefully, that will do the trick. If not, you may need to seek help from outside the school. Are you out to your parents? All of this might be easier with their help.

    I'm sorry you're going through all this! (&&&)
     
  8. bari94

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    Thank you very much. This is very inspirational. Although it may not sound like it now, I am very proud of who I am. "Yes, I'm gay. Could you please stop bothering me about it?" That sounds like an awesome idea, and I feel like that would steal all of their thunder. And if that doesn't work I can always take stronger measures. And yes, my parents do know, but I don't know how much support I would get from my father.
     
  9. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome to EC. You've gotten some great advice here, and I really admire you for your openness and comfort with who you are.

    Stealing their thunder is a very effective technique. And you can also, if they make personal comments, say things like "Don't flatter yourself, I don't find you attractive" or things like that which can have the effect of both shooting down their arguments, putting them in their place, AND making it clear that they are "safe" from your advances.

    Most guys in high school are very self-conscious about their masculinity, so anything "gay" sort of shines a mirror on whatever vulnerabilities they may have had. As others have said, perhaps some of them are closeted, and perhaps others are straight but worried they *might* be gay because they've looked at other boys in the locker room or something like that.

    It sounds like you have pretty good support in the school, so I think approaching the principal or GSA sponsor is a good place to start, and perhaps it can be framed as an overall awareness thing rather than going to the team specifically about *you* and your situation.

    Keep us updated on what happens!
     
  10. bari94

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    Thank you.

    I think the idea of reporting this as an overall problem may be a very good idea. We have had lessons about anti-gay bullying, but everyone gets the feeling that it doesn't affect anyone in our school. This could be an eye-opener for many people.

    I will definitely let you know how it goes:slight_smile:
     
  11. Beachboi92

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    i think the advice given has all be really great i'd like to add that if you do find yourself in a position where you can no longer play on the team you should look into private leagues or other baseball associations that operate outside of your school. It may even be possible to play for a different school with a more accepting team.
     
  12. Pseudojim

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    That is a fireable offence. I would get the jerk fired if it were me, but i'm pretty vindictive when it comes to homophobes, racists, sexists etc =P
     
  13. straal1972

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    I applaud the advice Ianthe has given you. :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap
    Its a good way to go forward. By your own admission it seems that the coach may be unaware of you orientation, i hope that once he realizes he will step up to the plate (so to speak) and stop this behaviour from continuing.

    I can't really add to it.
     
  14. Lexington

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    Ianthe did more or less set it all out for you.

    The reason homophobia thrives in places like sports teams and locker rooms is because it's allowed to thrive. So long as nobody comes along to question it, it'll continue to thrive. By confronting it, you're calling them out on their behavior. My brother liked making fag jokes until I told him I was gay. Then he stopped. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  15. bari94

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    Thanks everyone.

    At practice tonight, some kids were making " fag jokes " and it really pissed me off, so I called them out on it. Told them that they were jerks, and explained how much that word hurts people, and firmly, yet politely, asked them to stop. It worked for the time being, but I am still going to go to a teacher or principal or guidance counselor, or all of the above. Thank you all for giving me the courage to stand up to them.:icon_bigg
     
  16. alexi12

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    Nice job for calling them out on it :slight_smile:
    And yes, I think it is still a good idea to talk to someone. Were you still planning on talking to the coach?
     
  17. Lexington

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    Great to hear. Keep us posted!

    Lex
     
  18. Ianthe

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    That's great! I'm glad things are going better. Are you still worried about your coach?
     
  19. bari94

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    I talked to the coach today. He said that he will keep an eye on the kids who act like this, and that he is sorry.

    There was absolutely no use of the word faggot today at practice! (which is a first ever) You were right, Lex. All they needed was someone to call them out to get them to stop. :icon_bigg
     
  20. Pseudojim

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