BBC -- Unrequited love can be a "killer" I'm not alone. I'm not overreacting. I'm not abnormal; perhaps I could even go so far as to say that I am normal. I am not a freak for feeling this way. I am not a freak for having protracted, painful feelings in the absence of reciprocation. The description of an "extreme state of physical exhaustion" connects strongly to me. I will beat it, though. Em -- it's hard for me to write these words. It's hard for me to write the words, "Em isn't worth all this," because I guess a part of me believes that he is. Em isn't worth the angry red marks left by the thorns of a rose pendant. Em isn't worth despair. For I will find another. I am simply being impatient. I have existed for nearly seventeen years now without romantic love; first because of lack of interest, then because of latent homosexuality, and now because of rejection. I can exist for another eleven, twelve, thirteen months. Because I know that college will bring with it a whole vista of people to whom I will be attracted ... some of whom will be attracted to me. It's not like I'm repulsive, right? (Yes, this is a blatant nudge for people to look at my posted pictures and reassure me. )
That looked really theraputic. I hope that you do find what you are looking for, but it was also very enlightening for me to just read that. Thank you.
For starters, no you are not repulsive, far from it! You may not want to believe me but you are not in love with EM, you are in love with the image you have of him in your mind. You have made him your perfect man, the object of your love, but he obviously isn't the person you percieve or want him to be otherwise he wouldn't have rejected you. I know that this is a hard concept to understand but if you try to see him really for who he is and not who you WANT him to be, you might start taking the first steps of getting over him. I am probably not the best person to help you with this but I think the issues go much deeper that the fact the object of your love has rejected you. There are often subconcious reasons for choosing someone who is not available or is likely to reject you, it validates your feeling of being repulsive, or worthless of not deserving of love. I don't know if this is your case but therapy can often help us come to terms with why we do what we do, why we make, and have made, the choices we make and help us to make healthier choices. I read a theory which goes along the lines (I didn't completely understand it, it was written in French) that happiness is desire, we desire what we can't have and we have the anticipation of obtaining what we desire, we do everything within our power to obtain it, our energy and time is spent exclusively on this goal, it becomes the motivating force of our daily lives (hence the extreme state of exhaustion). Once we obtain our object of desire the happiness is total, this lasts, depending on the person, from several months to several years when the sense of intense happiness starts to waine and once again we search, subconsiously, for that 'high' of desire which will consume our thoughts and actions. Again only therapy can really help us to understand and overcome this emotionally self destructive cycle of behaviour. It is a cycle that as a society lots of people suffer from, hence the very high divorce rates. It is linked with our desire for instant gratification, I must have what I want for I want it! Yes, being MADLY in love is much more exciting than a humdrum existance of a long term relationship which, although rewarding in it's own way, often lacks intense excitement. Each and everyone of us deserve to be loved for who and what we are. You have to believe this, deep within yourself, again therapy can help you get to this point, then you will have more chance of being attracted to people who deserve you and staying attracted to them for the qualities they genuinely have and not the image you have of them.
Louise, that was a beautiful post -- and it matches the conclusion I came to last night as I was thinking about this. I write fiction. It is my greatest pursuit and it's how I want to spend my life. I embrace it as an art, a business, and most importantly, as a discipline. Thus, it's not just that I let my imagination carry me away -- it's that overanalysis, speculation, and an oscillating mood are the rule rather than the exception. I have trained myself, over the course of nine years of writing, to carry lines of logic and emotion to their rational conlusions and beyond; to extrapolate like mad; and to see as many possible outcomes as I can. In matters of love, these traits are not helpful, and lead to idealization and anxiety.
I have a question? Where did you EVER get the idea that you were ever repulsive? Who couldn't love a face like that . And keep it up with the writing. Your 10x a better writer then me. Then again we both have very different writing styles..... I'm still numba 1 on the north side...and I will fight for that title. *growl*
The other thing to keep in mind is that you are very young.You will have many loves ahead in your life.They will all be beautiful and perfect.And each will leave you with a special memory.Today is not the end of your lives.
