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Issues w/ communicating - Dissociation

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BloodyRose3000, Mar 16, 2011.

  1. BloodyRose3000

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    I've lost contact with a most of the people I used to talk to frequently; it's my fault too, because people have made attempts to speak to me and I keep either ignoring them or brushing it off. And I feel like because I've been isolating myself so much over the last few years, I've significantly lost the ability to communicate with people. I mean, even with my sister who I saw a day ago (she's only a year older than me; I usually see her about once a week), I could barely talk to her, and she's an extremely easy person to talk to. I feel like there's a dissociation whenever I talk to someone, almost like I'm watching myself speak to people without really being there. It's no so much that I have a problem with being able to speak to anyone - if I'm grouped up w/ a person in class for instance, I'll be able to engage in idol chit chat and such for a short period of time (at least if there aren't too many people in a group), but when I'm talking to people I know I feel like I'm boring and just completely disconnected from being in the moment, and I feel like I'm paying attention to the way I speak/sound so that I don't sound weird, and paying attention to the words I say so I don't sound overly pretentious or like an idiot, etc.
     
  2. Lotty

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    Believe it or not, but a lot of people feel like you do. Lots of people are afraid they'll make a bad impression. Go out, force yourself to talk to people, and more important BE YOURSELF. Do something fun with your friends, try to talk about things you like, and not only what they like, because I think that is why you don't want to talk, because the conversations aren't about interesting subjects.
    Another tip: don't lock yourself up. Don't isolate yourself. Let others in. Go out, be around people and just chat with them. You'll feel more comfortable talking if you do it often. The first time on your bike, you remember that? Little boy on his bike, falling every minute. Now it's as easy as breathing. It's all about practise. Doing it alot. If you talk more often, it'll be easier, believe me.
    Good luck(*hug*)
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Unfortunately, it's really hard to "be yourself" while you are in the closet. Concealing your true self is what being in the closet is.

    Being gay is an essential part of who you are. When you conceal that you are gay, you prevent people from knowing who you really are.

    You don't feel like you can connect with anyone, because the person they are talking to isn't really you. It's just a facade you are putting on.

    Also, I think that your fear of what others will think of you is intimately related to your fear that they will find out that you are gay.

    Coming out wouldn't necessarily resolve this issue right away, but I think it might be very difficult for there to be any improvement without coming out to at least a few of the people closest to you. Would your sister be a safe person to tell?

    Dissociation like this is very distressing, and can potentially be a serious impairment to everyday functioning. You might want to consider seeing a counselor through your school, to help you deal with it. For the counseling to really be effective, though, you would probably have to tell the counselor that you are gay. However, if you aren't comfortable doing that right away, you can hold off until you know the counselor better, and you feel more at ease.
     
  4. zerogravity

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    Speaking of dissasociation - let me tell you about the incident that led to me starting my coming out process. So I used to smoke weed a lot to help me concentrate on my schoolwork (essentially self-medicating for ADD, and my anxiety about being in the closet / living this double life).

    Well, although it helped me study, my brain was not as sharp as when I had a clear head. So during midterm exams I stopped smoking. It was great, and I aced all my exams - mid 80s to mid 90s in all of them :slight_smile: After my last exam, which was on a Friday, one of my friends came over to celebrate. He gave me a bowl of his homegrown organic weed (my friends and I never smoked dealer-bought stuff because it could be laced). 5 minutes after I smoked the bowl I had all these things swirling in my head - school, exams, my future career, my future family, getting married, growing up, having kids, girlfriends, being gay in the closet, my parents. Everything just came at me at once - all the things I have been supressing at the same time!

    I sunk into the chair, and when I snapped out of it I found that I couldn't move any part of my body. I was essentially paralysed. I tried to get up, but I couldn't feel my body. I was completely numb - my whole body! Even now just thinking about it is terrifying. It was a total and complete disassociation of my body and mind. I thought I might be going crazy.

    After that experience, I haven't been the same. I went to see a therapist, and that is when all the gay stuff started coming out. It's definitely possible that your brain is doing some sort of "defence/coping mechanism" when you are around people to compensate for living in the closet. With me - I am feeling it a lot less since I started coming out. The stress of living a lie day to day is starting to diminish, although I'm not compeltely there yet.
     
  5. BloodyRose3000

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    LMAO, actually, the idea of falling off a bike terrified me so much when I was little that I was never able to ride one w/o training wheels :eusa_doh:. Am I the only one noticing a trend lol. Interesting that you mentioned talking about things I like. I tend to allow people to go on for hours, but I usually don't talk about topic of my choice for a long period of time because I feel like I'm boring people/going to bore people :confused:.
     
  6. Nat3

    Nat3 Guest

    Hello, it is kidad bizarre how you said that people may find you boring. When I'm reading your post and you don't sound boring at all.
    Don't think about the stuff you are going to say. If they are your friends and they have known you for a while know, I believe they are used to you (all your frustration, stubbornness, annoyances, hard headed, closed off, wonderful, talents and amazing person).:slight_smile:

    And congratz Gravity on your coming out.=)
     
  7. BloodyRose3000

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    Yeah I can definitly see what you're saying.

    You're probably right on about that. A lot of times I feel like people aren't really talking to me but just a shell of me, which leaves me feeling fake and frustrated, and in the back of my mind I'm always wondering whether someone would actually be my friend if they knew I was gay (a lot of the people I cut off I stopped talking to specifically because I felt like they might not be okay with it; that's not really fair to them), and I'm always taking myself out of situations because of that as well. There's one friend that I'm actually pretty close to. I flew all the way to Missouri to spend 2 weeks w/ her a year ago and every day I wanted to tell her, and I was throwing hints left and right, but she never asked me :confused:. She wouldn't have a problem with it, but the reason I haven't said anything is because I feel like a massive hypocrite since I had been so religious years ago. Also, I feel very uncomfortable talking about sexuality to begin with, and she practically thinks of my as asexual (despite my protests), which does not help in the slightest.
     
  8. Z3ni

    Z3ni Guest

    Yeaah my "Closeted" Personailty sucks!...

    I've lost a lot of enthusiasm through these years.. I used to be like "Weeee!" when I was a kid.. now I'm like "Uhgg" and dull...ish

    I've lost interest in people.. since I can't be who I am..I'm too afraid to get judged..
     
  9. adam88

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    I know how you feel. Look up "social anxiety" and read up about it. Really, though the best therapy is to just say "fuck it" every once in a while and throw caution to the wind. Be yourself. Learn to love yourself.

    Just know you're not alone.
     
  10. mnguy

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    I know exactly what you're feeling when you say losing contact with people by isolating yourself. I've isolated myself to avoid meeting new people my friends were hanging out with and due to anti-gay comments most of them have made. In case they would reject me upon my coming out, I've preemptively pushed them away to soften the pain on me if/when that happens. The side effect of this tactic is that I've been very bored and lonely.

    Until recently, I thought that I didn't realize I was gay until just after college. I've come to realize that I had some notion and tried to avoid reality by monitoring my voice/words and by doing certain things and working a job that would be viewed as "manly" by most. At the time I didn't realize why I was trying to show my masculinity, but now I can see it was becuase I had never dated a woman so I did those things to compensate so people wouldn't think I was gay. To be fair though, my understanding of being gay at that time was as a wimpy guy who wanted to be and/or dress as a girl. I didn't understand sexuality. I like to think that if I knew the truth about sexuality sooner I might be out and happy by now.

    I hope you find the courage to talk to your friend in MO or someone else and it's a positive experience. Take care (*hug*)