Hi, im quite knew to this stuff, I've known for sometime that I was bi, since I was about 16, and im nearly 19 now. ive Only told a few really close female friends. But now it's gettting to the point where I really dont know what I am. Ive been thinking more and more about my past and my feeling of never fitting in anywhere, and my constant need to lie to everyone about how I actually am. On the outside im quite masculine, slightly chauvenistic and thats how everyone see's me. I knew it was a bit of a facade, but lately i've been feeling it was worse than i originally thought. Now im stuck inbetween the world of straight and gay. I know that i definately want to settle with one or the other in the end and this is the first time a male relationship seemed like an option that i might want to take, ive always thought i was straight with some bi tendencies. I've never really felt this confused or scared before and it's kinda stressing me out. As well as the fact that my 2 best friends, who i've had for about 2 years now, are slightly homophobic, and they both view me as an excessively masculine figure. But the really weird thing is that i never thought that i could be gay, and this whole thing really snuck up on me, which really shocked me. and now im having trouble even picturing myself with a girl. Im guessing im really just asking if anyone has had the same experience, or can offer advice. I've gone from straight to bi back to mainly straight and now im leaning towards gay and im in a really bad time to be going through this kind of change.. Thanks :icon_wink
My experience is a bit different. These were the steps that I went through: realizing I was gay to trying to be straight realizing I was still gay to trying harder to be straight to wishing that I was straight or at least bi to realizing that I'm gay and I'll always be gay finally now I'm coming out I know that probably doesn't help but maybe it will give you another perspective.
Welcome to EC! First, let me address something real quick. >>>I know that i definately want to settle with one or the other in the end... If you're bisexual, you're attracted to both sexes. That attraction can be fluid, and you might favor one gender over the other from time to time, but if you are in fact bisexual, the attraction to both will still be there. You shouldn't feel the need to "pick a side" and stick with it. You might mean you want to settle down with one person, and that's something bisexuals can and do do, but they do it within the framework of being bisexual. On to your main issue. First, don't panic. Right now, your sexuality can be summed up in "not sure yet". So stick with that for now. You're not sure yet. You don't have to tell anybody about it. Just assume you're not sure yet, and that it'll eventually make sense. Secondly, you say you feel yourself moving into "gay" territory. So why not try it on? For the next several days, try being gay. Don't feel the need to "act gay" or put on phony mannerisms - that isn't what this is about. Instead, just let yourself be gay. Think gay thoughts. If you see an attractive guy, (surreptitiously) look. Fantasize about being with a guy. If you look at porn, look at gay porn. Jerk off thinking about guys. And while you're doing that, don't spend any spare thought worrying about "what does it mean". Go whole hog into it. Imagine yourself doing that guy (or that guy doing you) with everything you've got. It might be that you change your mind halfway through, and want to switch to girls (either with porn or your imagination). Killer - do it. Go nuts with it. And when you finish, don't immediately flash back and wonder what it meant. Sit there sticky with a goofy grin on your face, enjoy the afterglow, think about how awesome it was, then go get cleaned up and carry on with your life. Other than that, just hold off on dating for awhile. Lots of people aren't dating at any given time, for whatever reason, so just hold off for a bit until you feel a bit more comfortable in your position, and feel you know a bit better what your position is. Maybe it'll be gay, maybe bi, maybe even straight. No way of knowing right now. But since you're feeling the gay thoughts right now, go ahead and run with it for a bit, and see where you end up. Lex
Cheers, was just kind of having a rough night that night. I just like to get what ever I'm feeling off my chest. But you have helped and i thank you for your courteous welcome. I must say this is the most comfortable forum I have ever been on. Although I'm not sexually repressed, I have slept with a guy before (although that was nearly two years ago), and I do masturbate to gay porn. The only thing is that lately I cant even imagine being with a girl. The thing that gets me most excited and happy is the thought of being with a guy, and i dont mean just sexually I mean emotionally. I know that i really need to just go with the flow, but my mind just tends to race ahead and try and figure out everything. As far as the dating thing goes I completely intend to hold off, but i will be hopefully meeting more and more different men over the next few months as my female friends take me out to gay clubs and stuff (So excited, first time next weekend). Lex thanks for the advice though, it does help. and Zero Gravity, you are right it does give me another perspective which helps alot. Me
Good advice given already and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Have fun with your friends going out and I hope you meet some good quality guys and can talk to your friends more about what you're feeling too. You're a lucky guy to have those accepting friends and to be considering your sexuality at your age. I'm sure you'll get through this just fine. Let us know how the gay bar experience goes
It's fine to give yourself some more time I think, these things do take time to figure out and ultimately accept but you'll get there. I never considered the fact that I could be gay until about 16 either, I don't come across as effeminate and the people I told so far have been surprised but completely supportive. Basically I never really found girls attractive when I was younger but I assumed that I would when I got a bit older. Well that never really happened but I still "knew" I was straight even though I never found myself trying to peruse anything other than friendship with girls. Even when opportunities presented themselves I just wasn't really interested. Then I started to notice guys quite a lot, but I just pretended it wasn't there and tried to forget about it. I'd try being "straight" for a week or something and try to look out for attractive girls but i would always end up getting caught out when I got this rising feeling in my chest from a guy I saw before I had a chance to think about it. Anyway from 16-18 I carried on denying all of this and I was getting by fine. I knew I would meet the right girl and things would work out. Anyway, I moved away from home for my work and I sort of secretly knew that this would give me some space to breath and meet a whole new circle of friends. I was still "straight" and in denial but I started to realise it didn't have to be like this any more and that I could live my life however it would make me happiest. One of the hardest things for me to accept was that I would not be able to have my "own" children, or the family I had envisioned having. It was on coming to this forum and reading one guys post that made me realise if I kept all these thoughts buried and never told anyone, I still wouldn't be the happy straight guy married to a woman I thought I could be. Since this realisation I came out to my brother, when he was visiting. Though I was still very confused, I wrote a load of stuff down the day he was getting here and it took me till the next day, in the evening after some beer to give it to him. It was honestly the hardest thing I'd ever done but I couldn't really enjoy his company until I said something because it was so on my mind. I knew if I didn't tell him then I would be suffering with this awful yearning to clear things up, or possibly go back into denial for months to come, potentially. He took it fantastically saying "what? It's nothing," and comforted me whilst I cried hysterically if I'm honest. It still scared me a lot the fact I was gay at the time. We quickly paid up at the bar we were in and went for a walk to talk it over. Anyway, since that two months ago, things are much better. I came out to other good friends who continue to act as though nothing changed, but not in a "I'm going to avoid talking about it because I'm uncomfortable with it way." I've enjoyed going some gay bars/clubs with some friends and I've got a sort of date I guess next week so that's exciting! I plan on telling my parents in the Summer. I'm sorry for sort of hijacking this thread and posting all of that, but I've been meaning to reflect on where I got to with all this in the past two months for a while now. I'm really feeling much happier now than I was before I told my brother. I was feeling very lonely and dark indeed back then. All the best.
Strongy, Couple things that might help you: First, people tend to associate being gay with being femmy and that isn't necessarily so. Of course, the more flaming and feminine gays are the ones we notice first but there are plenty of *extremely* masculine gays that an average person would never, ever pick out on a street. Perhaps you are one of those, and perhaps being "masculine" and feeling attracted to guys seems counterintuitive. It isn't. Check out the romantic leads in movies that Rock Hudson starred in. He was a total poof. So are half the other leading men in Hollywood. Second, it's quite possible for people to be in complete denial for many, many years, or to just be clueless, and then, at some point, the denial sort of breaks down and you realize the truth. Sounds like that may be what's going on for you now... if you're masturbating to gay porn and don't find any attraction to straight porn, it's hard to argue you're straight UK111: Welcome to EC! I'm really glad you've joined and posted, and even better that you've started your coming out process and had positive responses from your brother and those you've told. That's a great start, and I think what you've said is likely very helpful to the original poster of this thread. I would like to suggest you start a thread ("new thread" button in upper left corner of the page when you are browsing a given forum) and introduce yourself so more of the EC community can get to know you
