Do I tell my wife of 3 years? Parents?

The biological response of orgasm and the release of semen is the body's natural response to sexual tension and pleasure build up, as you well are aware of. The response of each individual to pheromones released by a certain gender is controlled by primary algorithms, just like your brain has the function of interpreting images and triangulating 3 dimensional feature recognition in the back ground, and yet your conscious mind does not know the numerical coordinates of the features in your field of vision. And yet when we program a robot to be able to triangulate and navigate using stereo-camera vision, we explicitly require multitudes of statistical omptimizations and point cloud generation of features that show up I the camera's field of vision.


What I am trying to say is, sexual orientation is determined by your basic system level control loops not your conscious mind. As Chip said, expose your system to a multitude of visual inputs and observe the output.

 

Welcome to EC!

I don't suggest telling your parents or wife anything until you are sure yourself. You don't want to put anything out there that may or may not be true. It would just create problems, and since you're not sure, the problem may be without cause. Don't do anything until you are sure.

Coming out is not a race. Take it at your own pace.

As for if you're gay or not. . . Sexuality is normally fluid. No one (usually) is one hundred percent straight or one hundred percent gay. What I'm saying is, it is normal for you to be confused about your sexuality. Many people go through it. You're not alone.

Also, when you look at pictures (even non-pornographic pictures) what is the first thing you're drawn to? The guy, the girl, the product it might be advertising?

Another way to figure it out is, when you see an attractive man, what is your exact thought at first? Is it, "Man, he is fine," or, "He is handsome, but I feel no sexual attraction,"? If you feel a sexual pull at first, don't surpress it (though it will be tempting to do), but embrace it.

Experiment with different types of porn, as awkward as that may sound. Look at gay porn. And if you don't feel anything by it, well then, you're straight. But if you feel something toward it, you may be gay or bi. Just because you're attracted to men, doesn't mean that you are gay. Keep that in mind.

As for your wife, are you happy with her? Does intimacy (physical or emotional) with her scare you or make you uncomfortable? Do you want to have children with her? Ask yourself these questions and see where they take you. Try not to surpress any thoughts you may have. Keep an open mind and don't allow any 'outside' thoughts (fear, judgment, etc) enter your mind.

Like I said before, it's not a race. Go at your own pace. Just focus on trying to make yourself happy and making sure you make the right choices.

(*hug*)

 

Hi Preacherskid,
I'm a preacher's wife & understand where you're coming from. It's hard to think of hurting people we care about. My husband has also had plenty to say against 'homosexuals', but he was surprisingly accepting when I came out to him not so long ago. By 'accepting' I mean that he listened patiently, asked questions and we were able to talk openly with each other. He is still praying I will change my mind, but this is not the condemnation or full out exorcism that I expected.

Many religious people have a "hate the sin, love the sinner" outlook. (Note: I am not in any way saying it is a sin etc...) My point is that even if your father sees being gay as a negative thing, he will probably still love you because you are his son. It takes time to adjust a point of view though. Likely it will take a while for you to get used to the idea yourself. This is a safe & accepting place to figure things out. Welcome & blessings on your journey!

I second Flyer's point of figuring it out for yourself before you tell wife or parents & it is not a race... but once you do know, it is probably best to be open with your wife as soon as you can.

 

I recommend you to do not tell anyone you know.If you wanna talk about do it here on EC or with a therapist. Do not tell your parents or wife before you are sure. It doesn't matter you are gay or not, hows your feelings.I did such a mistake before and she used it as a weapon.

You can tell them when you are ready to be known as gay. Even if you just tell your wife, probably everybody will know it anyway somehow. (Well after that,even if she doesn't want to end up marriage, i recommend you to leave her.It would kill you mentally staying with a wife who knows you are gay.Not just you would feel as failure, she would probably cheat you too anyway.)

I'm sorry if i sound bitter but you know these are reality.Wait until you are sure.Talk with people who can't out you.I know how "beloved" ones can change when they don't need you.So take my advice.

 

From your story.. you seem more gay than possibility of bi.

About religion, i say don't worry.I'm not a believer but if you believe, you must believe god makes no mistakes,right? and you didn't choose to be gay, you even try to forget and got marry! I think last thing you should worry going hell. At least you won't be alone there. Rest of the world will be there with you. (Just look around, who seriously live like a perfect believer should?!)

And wife..you can wait as much as you can.Coming out is your choice.Don't do it from pressure.Wait right time and do it because you wanted it.Definetely not wrong to hide it until you are financially stable. (You must try hard to get stable as quick as you can though.)

Parents,wife,religion,society...27 years passed already.It passed away from your life time.Sometimes we do care about others and forgot who we really are.What does anything about us make a difference for 5 billion years old earth

 

I understand much of what you are going through. I've been married 16yrs and only in nov realized i was gay. i've since come out to my wife, kids and extended family. We're still living together for financial reasons, we both need a bit more job stability before we can 'afford' to move out/separate.

 

Glad to hear, although I feel a bit bad about your relationship with your real family now.

My general rule for pretty much everybody, no matter what their situation, is to come out to the most important person first - yourself. Keep coming to grips with your own sexuality first. Where looking in the mirror and saying "I'm gay" doesn't feel like a punch in the gut. And at that point, you'll feel a lot more comfortable with any moves you have to make.

Lex

 

Gay, straight, bi... whatever. People are not meant to be used. Marriage is a partnership and your wife should also have input into whatever you (that's a plural you) decide. Her life will also be affected by this. Anyone else can wait to find out until you are ready. Joker obviously got burned. That is a risk. Would you rather live honestly and take the risks? Or live as if you are the only person whose feelings/opinions/life matters... ? Sexuality may not be about choice, but the kind of person you are or want to be definitely is.

Sorry for how harsh this sounds. Your life & identity & well being are all important. You should take time to be sure and consider how you want to proceed with telling whomever you think has a right (or need) to know.

As for your mom thinking "those homosexuals" influenced your earring... A lot of church people have such a limited exposure to (openly) gay people that their only impressions come from news coverage of pride parades. It will take time for her thinking to adjust once she realises that she knows someone who is gay.

 

I understand how you feel about your wife, with the financial security. But, it wouldn't be right to use her.

Is she homophobic? If not, maybe she will understand what you are going through and will agree to 'help out' with bills and stuff until you both can get on your feet.

Divorce is not the only way to exponge a marriage. If you guys agree on everything, it's called a disillusionment. Only one lawyer is needed and the only time you'll see the inside of a court is to get the marriage legally dissolved. There's no fighting, etc. It's a lot cheaper and easier.

You didn't mention kids. Which is good. The financial and emotional consequences of the marriage ending (whenever that is) will be less because children won't be involved. A relative of mine went through the same thing, except he and his wife and three children together. The stress factor was threefold.

Do you have any friends or family (cousins, etc.) that you could stay with if need be?

Now that you understand your own sexuality, you need to sit down and really consider what you need to do in the future. Don't rush it.

 

Well, in regards to your wife, if you've only had sex twice in three years, she has to know something's amiss. Have the two of you discussed the lack of intimacy at all? Many couples have sex several times a week. Less than once a year is... really not usual. To be honest, I think that she is probably at least as unsatisfied in the relationship as you are--she might be more unsatisfied, since she is presumably attracted to you, and probably wishes you had a more active sex life. Your lack of interest in her may be very hurtful to her self-esteem as well.

Ultimately, your break-up will be better for both of you, really. So, keep that in mind when you decide to tell her. And, while you don't have to tell her right this minute, it should be sooner than later. Most people you can put off telling indefinitely, until you are ready, but a spouse is different, because your sexuality is so profoundly relevant to the relationship. In most other cases, it isn't really anybody's business, and you share it with them because it is better for you.

But your wife deserves the chance to be with a man who will truly love and desire her, the way a husband is supposed to. The longer you wait to tell her the truth, the longer you prevent her from finding that person. You really wanted to be that person, but now you know you can't be.

Your wife really cares about you. If she didn't, she would have surely left you by now. So, I think that you probably don't need to worry about her putting you out in the cold. Since she is the more financially independent partner, and she isn't tied to you by children or anything, she must care a lot about you to stay with you despite the lack of intimacy.

She may even be relieved that the problem has been identified. She may blame herself and feel inadequate, and it might feel a lot better for her if she knows that it isn't something about her personally that is causing you not to be interested.

I think she'll probably help you until you get on your feet, even once you tell her. She may not realize that you are gay, but she has to know that something isn't working. When you tell her, just be honest with her: you really, really wanted this to work, but you realize now that you were just fooling yourself. You really care about her, but you realize now that it isn't fair to either of you to continue on this way when you know you don't have it in you to give her what she needs and deserves from a husband. You want it to be possible for both of you to find relationships that will fulfill your needs.

I think you definitely shouldn't worry about telling your parents yet. If they ask what happened with your wife, tell them it just didn't work out, you just weren't compatible. (This is, in fact, true. You and she are not compatible, because you are gay and she is a woman.)

 

This is a pretty non-judgmental place, so there's no need to feel embarrassed about your slight omission. If I may ask, how long ago was this? Has your wife brought it up since (apart from the time that you mentioned)?

 

How long ago was this?

---------- Post added 19th Mar 2011 at 05:51 PM ----------

Well, you can expect her not to be just totally surprised, I think...