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I like a strait guy.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Nadav, Mar 18, 2011.

  1. Nadav

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    Hi,

    I am 16 in high school and I like a 14 year old I am good friends with. He knows I like him and I know he is completely strait. I just can't get him off my mind. His smell, his personality, his appearance...everything. Help me out here.
     
  2. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    Its ok to have a crush on a straight guy. We've all been there. You just need to realize and also accept that you didn't choose to be gay and he didn't choose to be straight, and the two of you will never be together in that way.
     
  3. Nadav

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    True, but I try to convince myself of that and I still can't get over him.
     
  4. Flyers2011

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    Welcome to EC!

    First, are you asking for help with getting over this guy? The best thing to do is to put a barrier between yourself and this guy. Don't think about him, don't actively seek his prescence (unless you have to see due to school or other activities), and just remember that since he is straight you have no chance. It sounds mean, but it's better to admit to yourself than to think, "There is a possiblity. . ." Stop those thoughts and tell yourself, "He's straight, it's not going to happen."

    Second, you mentioned you were good friends with him and he knows how you feel. It sounds like he's okay with it, but don't push it too far. The more you hold on, it has more potential to make him uncomfortable. This same concept would apply to a girl that liked him too. Too much unreciprocated affection can leave both of you feeling awkward. Him because he's not gay and he just wants to be friends. You because you want to be more.

    Third, don't put the guy on a pedestal. Don't make him seem perfect. He makes mistakes, he has his moments where he doesn't do things the right way. Don't say, "Oh he's perfect." Like a famous coach once said, "[He] puts his pants on just like us, one leg at a time." Keep that in mind.

    Fourth, you could always try to find someone to 'replace' him. Maybe you could go to a gay youth club, or to a GSA meeting at your school (if it has one). Then you could find guys who would be more likely to date you. That way if you're focusing your attention to someone else, you won't be as focused on him. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You're 16, you have lots of time to date.

    Finally, he's 14. He might be really immature and wouldn't be able to have a relationship with you even if he is gay. People at that age can be terribly immature. Honestly, keep your options open, especially since he's not gay. Keep looking and you'll find a guy. (*hug*)
     
  5. Nadav

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    Thank you. I will try that.
     
  6. Nat3

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    Hello and welcome to EC.:slight_smile:

    How close are you to him?
    Also, what qualities do you like the most about him? And which ones do you not(and no, lol not everything is perfect about any individual)?
    What do you think the attraction based on? Physical? Emotional? etc. (yes, I did read his smell, personality, etc).
    Do you think if you ever had a relationship with him, it would work out? Or are you two completely different individuals?
     
  7. Nadav

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    It would work out. Lol stop! You are getting my hopes up again.:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  8. Nat3

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    Lol you are on a "Romeo and Juliet" complex... Just remember it is like an Obsession, you need to think about it... and not be blind to it. Cuz, regardless of what you do, the answer to your way of thinking will be "yes, it will work out, and perfection about him". So you need to reflect and become aware that yes you are over-heels over him, but because He is "straight" it won't work out.
    I had something like this going on.lol
    My major is in Psychology, so in a way I know how emotion and stuff work. It angered me, that I was falling for this guy, GOsh he said he was straight, bt I would feed of him like a starving person. I would psychoanalyse everything about him, the way he walked, the way he would be around me(he was different, and I knew it, he would get nervous), he would try to talk to me (only when we where alone), etc.
    I remember I spend like 4 months looking for the perfume he uses(I could just have asked, bt meh). Any hows since I was so angry this was happening I developed a "Love-Hate" crush. I would make him feel bad at any chance I could get (it was reciprocated, so I wasn't the only one doing dmg), lol BUT no one else could make of him EVER. If they even went out of line, I would just feed of their fears and break their confidence. His happiness is/was my priority, I would try to get his hopes up on stuff he would put himself down on, etc.

    He got a GF -Ahem, I knw- at the beginning I was annoyed, and would call her names... He would just laugh, that I would call her names, I once asked how he let me call his gf names?. But I wanted him to be happy, and he got one I thought it was because maybe he wanted one... I still want him to be happy, and I don't think me throwing myself would have brought happiness to him (I mean, Gay... It is not the most colourful word in the social dictionary right now).

    I haven't seen him in 11 months, I still have a crush on him... I'm aware it is still there, but I'm not letting it get over to me. I saw him Sunday, after like 11 months, and I was angered. I was perplexed that I still feel something about him, but you know that's how some things are... Oh, I also developed a craving for Hot Cheetos-nasties thing in the universe- it was the only thing that would cool off my anger after we had classes together.lol
     
  9. Nadav

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    Hot Cheetos. Hmm I will take that into consideration. Thank you for sharing your story with me!!
     
  10. Jonamo

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    I have to agree with what Nat3 said. I've seen this happen to my two best friends. The bi one fell for the straight one and because he kept pushing it and trying to make something happen they haven't talked to each other in three years...
     
  11. zerogravity

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    It's a straight guy crush and you'll have to do your best to get over him. This happens to everyone, because 95% of guys are straight. There isn't much you can do about it! As long as you understand that nothing could ever happen between you two I see no harm in being his friend. Just don't leer at him or try to get in too close because he will notice and it could be awkward.
     
  12. Zontar

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    ohboyitsthisthreadagain.jpg
     
  13. Ianthe

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    Um, actually, you don't need to worry about how similar this thread may be to others. You want support and advice for your particular situation, even if it is similar to situations other people have gone through, and that is what this section of the forum is for.

    Regarding the main topic of this thread, you need to truly accept that you will never be with your friend romantically. Believe it or not, this is another instance where you need to go through the grieving process and reach the acceptance stage. If you'd really accepted it, it wouldn't cause you pain any more. The page I linked to there talks about the grieving process in relation to yourself and your family accepting that you are gay. I'll talk a little here about the 5 stages of grief in relation to moving on from a crush.

    Denial: In regards to a crush, you might be in denial that you have a crush, or that your crush isn't interested in you. In the first case, your thought process might be something like, "Well, yeah, I wait around outside his classroom door just to get a glimpse of him several times a day, and I think about him constantly, but it's not like it's a big deal or anything." In the second case, it would be something like, "He really likes me, but he just doesn't know it yet," or even, "He's just in denial that he is gay."

    Anger: In the anger stage, you may be angry with yourself, your crush, or the unfairness of the world: "I'm such an idiot! Why do I always fall for straight guys?" "Why can't he just be gay?" "He led me on! He's such a jerk!" "It's so much easier for straight people! Why do I have to be gay? Why can't there be more gay people? It's just unfair!"

    Bargaining: This is the "maybe he'll like me if..." stage. (Also, "maybe he could like guys if...") It doesn't really matter how you finish either of those statements, it's bargaining. In my experience, I think people go back and forth some between anger and bargaining.

    Depression: This one bites. This is when you think: "I'm going to be alone forever," "I'm never going feel like this about anyone else," "I hate myself," "There's no point in going on with life without him," "No one is ever going to love me." But it's right before the acceptance stage, and it passes. So, when you are feeling like this, know that, in fact, the end of your pain is near, even though it doesn't feel like it.

    Acceptance: Acceptance doesn't mean that you won't be attracted to him any more, or that you won't still think he's a great guy. But it means that you won't think about him constantly, and the fact that you can't be with him will no longer hurt you.

    For comparison, consider the case when someone has died. It's not as if, when you reach the acceptance stage, you would not still prefer that the person were alive. But they aren't, and there isn't anything to do about it, and so you accept it and move on. You can think about the person without it being so painful, and be glad that you got to know them while they were alive.

    In regards to a crush that is unreturned, once you have accepted it, you will be able to think well of him and hope that he is happy. For example, you would be glad if he found a girlfriend, and hope that it all works out for them. You will think things like: "He's never going to like me. It's time to move on." "Even though we can't be together the way I wanted, I'm glad I got to know such a great person." "I can't wait to meet someone new."

    When people say, "You will get over it in time," what they really mean is that it takes time to go through the grieving process and arrive at acceptance. What you are going through is completely normal, and you won't always feel like you do now. But there isn't really any magical way to just skip to the end--you have to go through it all to get there.

    Just give yourself permission to feel whatever your feelings are. Neither fight them nor obsess over them; just acknowledge them and move on. Whether it's feelings of attraction or longing for your crush, or feelings related to the grieving process, just say, "I am feeling [this feeling], and it is perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. It will pass." And then just set it aside and focus on other things as much as possible.

    (When going through the anger stage, though, try not to take it out on your crush. It's normal to feel angry, but it isn't really his fault.)

    Anyway, I hope this helps! (*hug*)
     
  14. Nadav

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    It did. Thank you. I think I am at the depression stage now.
     
  15. Ianthe

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    Well, it's always darkest just before the dawn, as they say. You'll get through it.
     
  16. IsItSo

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    Don't we all? Seriously, I've never crushed on a gay guy (some of them could have been closeted, I suppose). Honestly, I find unrequited love pretty satisfying. That feeling I get when I just think about a crush is great enough on its own.

    But back to you, there's no need to worry. All crushes, unless they're acted upon, fade in due time. I know that's not a very satisfying answer, but it's the plain truth. You'll just have to wait it out.