Well I've never really done anything like this before but i don't have anyone to talk to and I'm feeling pretty down lately. I'd talk to my family or maybe some friends if i wasn't so sure they would blow everything out of the water. I have a history of suicidal tendencies and whenever i try to talk to them they end up just flipping shit and that's not what i want to deal with right now. I've been hurting myself in one form or another since i was 8 years old. I never got the chance to go to high school because of my fathers paranoia caused by his crack addiction. He was afraid that I'd end up getting him found out so he wouldn't let me go. I ended up becoming an outcast and it eventually led me to the skinhead lifestyle (no I'm not a nazi, fuck fascists). I found a feeling of belonging with the other skins that i never felt with anyone else. I felt like i was home whenever i was with them. We dealt with a lot of bullshit and went through hell together, my hometown had a lot of nazis and fascist groups that fucked with us but we never gave in. After leaving my hometown and losing my crew i just felt devastated. They were always there for me no matter what and i don't have that anymore. I also had my first love within the crew. We ended up falling for each other and we were so happy for the longest time, then things just went sour and it was never the same between us. even though we aren't together anymore i still miss not being around him or being able to see him. i feel like ending it a lot of the time. Got no crew, no job, no money, no car, no partner, nothing. i feel like a burden on those around me because i cant seem to get a steady job no matter how hard i try. I feel discouraged and depressed most days but every once in a while I'll have a good day, i wish i could have more of those. I guess I'm just rambling, i don't really get the chance to talk to anyone about this stuff so I'm just getting it all out. when it comes down to it my dilemma is basically that i feel like a loser, i never even been inside of a school before. i got my GED but a lot of good that did me, still cant get a job. i still have a lot of problems with my dad because of what he put me through with his drug abuse but he just wants to forget it and move ahead and i feel like i never got closure on it and it makes me hate him. I don't know what to do and i just need advice and encouragement i guess. Thanks to whoever reads this. P.S. i just spent like 15 minutes trying to proof read this so forgive the type-o's, i was kind of rushing.
Hey bro, From what I read it seems like you did (and still are) go through a lot and even though I don't even know your name I know for sure that you are strong. When I was 12, I left my home country and migrated to the U.S. with my family. Everything and everyone I have ever known my whole life was gone in an instant and all of a sudden I was forced to start from scratch. That was also the time when my brother and I didn't get along and my friends were basically my everything, so it was very hard for me. I wasn't suicidal or anything, but I did get to the point where I felt like there was really nothing else to do anymore and I wouldn't mind just disappearing right there and then. But then I thought, if I was already at my lowest point, that meant that it only gets better from there. When you feel like things can't get any worse but somehow you endured all of that and you're still breathing, you realize that there's no point in giving up now because the only way you could go is up. If you want to see the rainbow, you gotta sit through the storm. As for not ever being in a school, think of it as something that makes you unique. Who said that for one's life to be normal they have to have had attended a school like everybody else? You may not have gotten your education the same way we did, but hey, you turned out stronger and wiser than most of the kids I've met in school. You're well-educated, and that's all that matters at the end of the day. As for not having a job, don't worry. Basically most Americans are jobless right now (I'm assuming you're from the US) and it's really not your fault that you can't find one. It's one of those things that you just gotta keep trying for. Don't give up! No partner... dude I know how you feel. But instead of being sad about it, you should see it as something to look forward to. I don't know about you, but for me it's kind of exciting to think that I could meet that special someone anytime anywhere and so it kind of gives me something to hope for when I feel like there's nothing else to look forward to anymore. He's somewhere right now looking for you too, so don't worry, eventually you'll find each other. And as for your bad experience with your dad, I'm sorry that this happened to you. I don't know how hard it must have been for you so I don't want to pretend like I've been in this situation, but just think that if things didn't happen the way they did you wouldn't be the same person as you are right now. You've got all these experiences under your belt and that just made you twice as strong as most people around you and that's going to get you far in life. I hate to use celebrities as examples but just remember that Oprah Winfrey used to wear potato sacks and Justin Bieber used to perform in the streets for money. They used their tough experiences as motivation and look where they are now. Just stay strong bro. You got this.
Hey, thanks for the encouraging words, it's nice to know there are people out there that can relate to me and what I've been through.
(*hug*) I can't relate to this, but it kinda reminds me of my grandma who couldn't finish highschool cuse she had to work and had like 8 brothers and sisters and they were poor because her father left them and her mom for another woman :/ my grandma went through alot of abusive relationships with men and had to work her way out of that live by working hard because she had no highschool education so everything she had came from experience and things she learned :/ so eventually with time I think things will start getting better for you and new oppourtinities will arise for you :/ (*hug*) Just stay strong and optimistic , I wish you all the best! (*hug*)
What doesn't kill us.... I don't think there is anything abnormal about feeling discouraged in your situation. The worst is behind you (though some of it always lingers) and better things are ahead... but the in-between, the waiting and hoping and trying not to hope for too much, sucks. Try to prepare and be ready for the better things that are coming. And consider EC your online crew
