I've had my first girlfriend for 2 months, and I am just kinda stressing out about it all, really. I really like spending time with her, but she's not necessarily someone I find really physically attractive (which I know doesn't necessarily matter). We have heaps in common, and we want the same things long-term. I like the idea of security and long-term relationships. There are a few of things stressing me out... (but I do have the tendency to over-think things): * How do I know if this is 'right' or if I could enjoy a relationship more... if it's the first one? How do I know if there is really something wrong and it could be better, or if that's my anxiety disorder/perfectionist personality talking? * I have liked sex sometimes, but I don't really want to do it much, and sometimes when we start I get worried and I don't like it anymore. I just want to stop and go to sleep. I worry about if I'm doing enough for her, or if she's gonna 'hit the spot', or if it's all gonna work how I think it 'should' etc. I end up feeling bad and cranky, and worried. * I don't like kissing much, and I feel bad cos she likes it. I do enjoy doing some stuff for her, sometimes, but I also don't feel like it, or I find it a bit scary. * She just generally seems to be into me a lot more than I'm into her... I'm not sure if it's just the way we express things, or whether it's true. I'm also not sure if it matters or not. ... So I dunno, maybe this is fairly normal for a person with an anxiety disorder, who has always been scared of sexual stuff, to be having some fears/issues. Or maybe I'm just not that into sex... but I just have this fear in my head that maybe I'm just not into her either. But I am! Like, I dunno... I am, but I just like holding hands and stuff, not kissing so much. Can anyone un-muddle me???
If physical attraction didn't matter, you and I would both be dating men. It matters. You just want to be friends with her I think. I think you might be more into sex with someone you were actually attracted to. You are maybe kind of glad to be in a relationship, but really, I don't think you are all that into her. Sorry. If you know it's not going to work, sooner is better than later...
Hey I think you should give it a bit more time, I think you are rather like me and tend to over think things all of the time, and the more you over think the more worried you get and the more you try and think things through. How do you know if you should be enjoying it more? This is a tough question but I think you should think about the times when you are not worrying, how do you enjoy these? How happy, relaxed and content are you then? Everyone has a different sex drive so maybe yours is lower this is not neccessarily a problem, just means you need to communicate with your partner about it. I think the key is in the fact that you say sometimes you do enjoy the sex, this to me says that when you dont enjoy it, it is mainly centred around the fact you are worried about the situation or something that runs along with it and because you are worrying you cant enjoy it, and because you're not enjoying it you worry even more. Does your girlfriend know about your anxiety and stuff? I think the key to cracking all of this is communication. But in my opinion I dont think you should end it yet.
I just wanted to let you know that first time relationships are hard >_< From my current ongoing exp... I have my first boyfriend, but we've only known each other like 3 weeks o_o Anyways, it might be a bit different from your situation.... But me and him are each other's first boyfriends, so we don't have any exp... And I have real bad anxiety too... I got my courage up once and tried hugging him once and he kinda rebuffed it... I dunno, to me, he doesn't seem into me, but maybe... Maybe he thinks I don't seem into him... It might just be a perspective thing. I think you two should just enjoy time with each other, and as time continues you'll get to know each other more. I stopped stressing myself out about my boyfriend and I'm just enjoying his company instead. I don't want to sound negative but you don't know if you'll spend the rest of your life with her. I don't know this about my boyfriend either... But my point is, because we don't know, there's nothing to stress out about kind of >_< ? Hope this helped even a tiny bit D=
This - you and your gf should talk. A relationship shouldn't be about hiding things, and this cannot be resolved without her input, whatever happends in the end.
I think you need to talk to your girlfriend. Let her know how you feel. Maybe she could help you through it? There are a few of reasons why you might have a low sex drive. It could be anything from a low level of hormones, anxiety, having a perspective on sex that doesn't match your girlfriend's, or even being unattracted to your girl. If it's the first two, well, you just gotta wait 'em out. Nothing you can really do. Well, for anxiety you could try meditating, or doing stuff to relax you. The perspective on sex. You could view sex as something dirty and scary. Which could be leading to your feelings about it. You're nervous and scared about it, thus over-thinking it, because of your fear of it. If you're unattracted to your girlfriend, then it's better to break it off with her. Yeah, being single is scary and it sucks sometimes. But why stay in a relationship that you're not happy in? Exactly. It's just going to hurt you and her the long you stay with her, with the feelings you have toward her. Sex isn't essential in a relationship, but being attracted to someone and feeling a special kind of love toward that person is essential. That's what separates lovers from friends. I think you should either break it off, or maybe tell her that you don't want to have sex with her for a while because you're figuring some stuff out about you guys. Just try not to lead her on.
Thanks guys. You've all made me ponder. Ianthe - I don't think I'm NOT physically attracted to her... I mean, there's obviously a reason I asked her out for coffee. She's just not the 'look' I usually go for, and she's not one of those 'jaw-dropping' hot girls. BUt then, how often do people really end up with their ideal girl? I don't think I just want to be friends with her, because I like to be close to her, hug her, sleep in the same bed etc. I don't do that with friends. Silverhalo - thanks, yah she knows about the anxiety stuff but not in detail, and I haven't mentioned it in the sex context. Radiant - it's true I don't know if i'll spend my life with her or not. Part of me wants to (for security) and part of me doesn't (for the 'what if' voice in my head)... but I worry because I don't want to end it or continue it, if that makes sense. I am thinking too far into the future though. I think generally for me it is hard to see what's real thoughts and feelings, and what's anxiety. I suppose I will make an effort to talk to her about some of this stuff. Thanks again!
No worries thats what we are here for, whilst it might seems daunting talking to her about these things, I think it might well straighten a few things out, and once she knows where you are at if you are worried during sex she can comfort you or you can stop and she will understand and not just think she did something wrong. She might also be able to confirm that you are doing things right and you shouldnt worry. I think you also have to try not to put yourself under too much pressure, not everything is going to work out perfectly just enjoy it for what it is, and if you have doubts again you can always come back and talk to us.
