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People assuming you are straight

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by zerogravity, Mar 21, 2011.

  1. zerogravity

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    So yesterday the weather was pretty nice, so I decided to go biking downtown with one of my friends. The kind of biking I do is like extreme stunt biking and the culture is very straight. I don't know a single "out" gay person who does this sport. Everyone just assumes that I am straight.

    Anyways, I was walking my bike with one of my friends yesterday and we passed this very cute (and very gay) photographer, taking pictures of these two model girls. I was checking out the guy (did I mention he was cute?), and my friend says to me "ughhh, that guy i soooooo gay". I didn't know what to say! I felt like saying "yeah, I find him really good looking!", but i just didn't say anything. I just froze and my voice stopped working!

    Then later on we ran into this girl from the gym who I think has a crush on me and she was flirting with me. My straight guy friend was like "ohhh who was that hot girl you were talking to? She seems like she likes you!". Again, I was unable to say anything. My mind was just blank until it was too late to say anything.

    How do i get over this? I don't want to come out on facebook or anything. How do I get over the fear of telling my friends i am gay? I plan on calling them but then I procrastinate and I don't end up doing it. Soooo annoying!! What can I do about this???
     
  2. malachite

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    For me I sent a text to one and said I had something important to talk about.
    Then when I spoke to her I actually told her I was gay. That way I kinda trapped myself into saying.
     
  3. GhostDog

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    Oh my god, I remember being there. Without the extreme biking bit, yeah, but still. I'm in education classes and the assumption there is pretty much that everyone's straight, too.

    For me, it was pretty much a question of finding a group of likeminded people to support me no matter what happened (like, say, EC), and eventually I found that the pressure of staying in the closet was a lot harder to deal with than the fear of coming out. It was really uncomfortable for a couple of months. I wish I'd just woken up with the courage to do it one day, but I was so terrified I pretty much had to wear myself down.

    Like Malachite suggested, it's good to make a plan like that you can't get out of. It's terrifying, but the relief afterward is usually worth it.

    I also made a little promise to myself that I could plaster rainbow shit all over my room after I came out to my parents, and my enthusiasm for pretty colors was a bit of a carrot on a stick for me. =P Maybe promise yourself something you've wanted for a while.

    How supportive are the people who you're out to? You always have EC's support, of course, but knowing you have someone to call or go see to talk to about it really helps too.

    My experience now, is that it's much easier to just treat it like it's no big deal when it comes up. I act on the assumption that everyone already knows, like it's just written on my forehead so of course I can talk about that cute girl who just walked by. I wouldn't use it on family or friends you've known forever, but it's great for work friends or casual acquaintances. "Oh! I just assumed everyone knew, no big. Yeah, I'm gay."

    That may not help you so much now, when it is still scary and it is still a big deal to you, but I promise it gets easier with time! The more comfortable you are with it, the more you're prepared to say "Fuck you!" if anyone has a problem with it, and the easier it becomes.
     
  4. Lexington

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    This is part of the reason I advocate coming out. The truth tends to simplify everything. I don't have to worry about my friends saying "ugh, that guy is so gay", because they wouldn't do that, knowing that I'm gay. And if they did, I'd just say "Well, it just makes him easier for me to spot...and gives me the go-ahead to introduce myself." And if a girl hits on me (which used to happen - not so much now), I can just say "I'm totally flattered, but I'm gay." :slight_smile:

    It's up to you whether you want to work on some "work-arounds" for situations like this while remaining in the closet, or to just come out. But if you're thinking about the latter, I'd say it's probably the smart choice.

    Lex
     
  5. radiantdawn

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    This happens a lot.... I was gonna tell these 3 people I newly had befriended that I was gay. So we were just waiting for 1 of them cause he was in the washroom, and the other 2 complimented what I was wearing cause I was quite dressed up (cause I was going to a bday party afterwards with my boyfriend so I wanted to be dressed nice). I said that it was because I was going on a kind of date afterwards. Then they asked who SHE was, if it was this one girl friend we were meeting up, or the other one we were meeting up later (my boyfriend). I said no to the first, and paused at the second >_< And then one of them said, "Oh wait, the second person's a guy right?"

    >_< >_< >_< >_< >_< >_< >_<

    So I just didn't bring it up to them. Maybe another time >_<
     
  6. Oh my gosh, this happens to me ALL the time. Now, I'm so out, it's harder to check myself when I'm talking about girls or pride alliance club matters, but there are still people who don't hang with me very often that totally don't know I'm gay.

    Honestly, I gotta agree with Lex.

    Coming out and being out is (in many cases, not all) so much easier than being in the closet. For me, it was like, "either I can be scared and hide, or I can confront my fear". I still get scared when there are people around me who don't like queers. I still am afraid of being judged, but I stay out for all of the people like me who can't be and for all the future queers to hopefully have it better than we have it now.
     
  7. zerogravity

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    That's what I was thinking of doing - sending a text for them to call me. I just wish I could say something on the spot when a situation comes up! It's like I am so programmed not to reveal to anyone that I am gay that the natural reaction is to say nothing.

    It's seriously eating me up though - I am resolved to come out to at least one friend before the end of the month. I figure it will get easier after that and I'll have a coming out snowball effect thing going on.

    Thanks to everyone for their advice. I rely on EC a lot because my gay friends are sick and tired about hearing my coming out stories. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: None of my straight friends really know I am gay, at least I have not confirmed anything yet.
     
  8. Ianthe

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    With friends, I have often just come out directly in text messages. Then it's done. For me a lot of times the main thing is just to do it.
     
  9. InaRut

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    I think I have (had) the same problem as you. I had that sorta of double life of having gay friends (who my straight housemates referred to as my "summer" friends) and of course my straight friends (Mostly my housemate). And although I wanted to tell my housemates I never got around to it until the last party I had with them before I left to come to Montreal.

    That being said, I sort of grew the semi-destructive attitude, of having a "gay life" and having a "straight life" and what they didn't know wasn't their buisness. Of course as the girls who were part of my "straight life" group and started developing crushes and such I started coming out to alot of the girls...who then in turn would tell other friends and so on. Then my "gay life" started crossing into my "straight" life.

    The moral of this story is that, coming out like any fact of life, is best treated as an art. And in this sense it's something best handled with practise. If you can't find the confidence to tell your friends right now, you'll gain that confidence if you "practise" coming out with other people.

    Basically, by my second year in university (at Brock--my old unviersity), I really gained that attitude that helped me blend my "two lives" together.

    Just keep that gay little flame burning and eventually it'll be big enough to conquer any hetereocentric obstacle! Hahaha.

    And EC is a great site for letting out some steam, as a user with over 6,000 posts, I think I can say I've done my fair share in feeding off of EC's Support and Advice section.
     
  10. zerogravity

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    Yeah Ina that seems to be my problem. I'm semi-out, so it's still like I have a double life going on. I guess you can never fully get rid of that, unless you tell everyone the moment you meet them, which would be just plain weird :lol:

    Oh well, at least I am out with my parents (who I never see and barely talk to since I came out to them), I have my sister (supportive), my gay friends and the people at work who know.

    Now it's just a matter of telling some of my close friends, who will in turn tell my not so close friends. I just really dread making those phone calls for some reason. If I'm not too tired I will call my old roommate tonight and tell him. He is the only one of my friends who really knows how gay I am, so it should be easy to tell him. I hope :confused:
     
  11. mnguy

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    I know exactly what you mean by your voice not working after someone makes a stupid comment like that. Hate that. :icon_redf

    So what if that guy appears really gay? He might not be gay, but if he is, good for him to have such confidence to just be himself. When guys comment on "how gay" some random dude is, seems like there is a good chance they are either closeted or insecure and apparently find some boost to their "straight" ego by deriding others. When friends have said similar things I've stuck up for the "gay guy" by saying he may not be gay and if he is, so what? Usually my friend won't have a response.

    Sorry, no advice on the coming out part. If i had to guess though, I'd say the percentage of extreme bikers who are gay is similar to the general population. I think it's a sad myth that gay guys don't do certain things.

    Good luck :thumbsup:
     
  12. Ecap1

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    Have you tried putting it on your Facebook (assuming you and your friends use it a lot)? I changed mine to bi and everyone was just like "what! I didn't know!!!" but they were all cool with it and next thing I know closeted guys where hitting on me/coming to me for advice.

    But yeah, I think social networking sites are good for coming out. It does the job of announcing it to everyone without the awkwardness of going door to door in person and saying "Hey! I'm gay! Tell everyone! K bye :slight_smile:"
     
  13. zerogravity

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    mnguy you are totally right - I know at least a couple closeted gay dudes who are into biking (super good looking and all their friends are cute boys who gush over them but never any girlfriends around ever is a pretty good indication of teh closet). About the photographer guy, he was super queeny and I agree that he could have easily been straight cause a lot of artsy guys look like that.

    Ecap1, i'm terrified of coming out on facebook. I have like 500 friends and it's mostly just acquaintances that I met through biking and lots of people that have no business knowing. I'll probably do it eventually though - it's the fastest and more effective way of coming out! Unless ppl think your account was hacked in which case it could backfire.
     
  14. nate16

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    odd enough, i got into this situation with enough times to form an army of girls.....they don't seem to pick up that i don't go that.....way. Most are okay with me telling them but others kinda freak out. it's kinda entertaining sometimes to be honest. What i would do with guys though is bring it up when it happens if you can get the guts. when they say something homophobic, state then that it also insulted you. A good friend would immediately backpedal what they had just said....
     
  15. zerogravity

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    I wish I had the guts to do that! I'm gonna start though - it's best to deal with it immediately.

    A couple of weeks I was performing stunts at a dance show, and this 10 year old kid comes up to me during rehearsal and starts pointing at these two dancers - "ewww those guys are soooo gay". I met the dancers earlier in the dressing room and all they did was talk about chicks with my straight friend. So I told the kid "just because they are dancers doesn't mean they are gay". I left out the part about me being gay though. The ironic thing was this kid was one of the dancers in the show and he was wearing a pink T-shirt with glitter and sequins all over it at the time :lol:
     
  16. TheJoker

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    Develop a horn on your forehead :icon_bigg Assuming sucks especially when your family or relatives do that.
     
  17. Ianthe

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    Unfortunately, the kid was probably intending to insult the dancers' ability and general coolness, rather than to make an actual statement about their sexuality.

    Also, if you can, it's best to dispute not only that the guys are gay, but that gay is something bad to say about someone in the first place.

    Anyway, in terms of coming out to your friends, just do it in whatever way is easiest for you. There aren't any rules. Some people seem to think you "owe it to people" to tell them in a personal way--I don't really agree. Sometimes you can get a better result by doing so, in which case it may be a good idea, but I don't think you owe it to them. With the possible exception of someone you are married to or dating very seriously, I don't think you owe it to anyone to tell them at all.