Maybe this just as phase, but it seems to be a long one. Like my whole life. I always feel like when someone is upet, angry or disagrees with me. I irrationally think its an attack against my sexuality. For instance, the apartment manager in my building is a real pain and for the most part I really do not lose my cool with people. But about 2 months ago I lost it with her. I later told her why I was upset and told her the way she talked to me hurt my feelings. She apologized. Ever since then she is VERY NICE to me. Which is fine, but yesterday I was reading Greg Louganis autobiograhy again. So as I was walking up the stairs to my apartment she is very friendly and then she says what are you reading she followed me up a step to ask me this. I wasn't really sure if I felt like sharing, but I told her. I think I have seen her read before, when she is bored. She said do you read a lot. I said yea,she said she marvles at that(not even sure what that means) She said come down tomorrow because they are having tenant apprecation breakfast(which they have every once in awhile) I think its unfair to me. But I left the situation thinking as soon as I told her I was reading Greg Louganis' autobiograhy. She is thinking every dergatory word possible that one can think of about gays. In truth, after I told her I was reading Greg's book. I was thinking of every dergatory word you can think of about gays. Who even knows if she even who Greg is?? If I am going to take offense when people are nice. I should never leave my apartment. Maybe I was upset by something earlier in the day, sometimes I leave out publications of magazines that are gay outside my apartment door as a decensentizing tool. The problem is everyone takes them. I guess this makes me angry, because sometimes I think whoever is taking the magazine does not like gays or maybe there are some curious people in my building. In total about 6 magazines have been taken. I just get so fed up with with this gay stuff everyday that I take my medication to go sleep around 3pm, and I can usually extend it to the next day till around 4 or 5am. I know this may sound odd, but I slept with Greg's book last night. I relate to him a lot. The book gave me comfort. I do think I want to get better, because I have taken certain steps in some area, but I think I am not taking steps in the most critical areas. LIke going to a gay support group that I told myself I would go and even though I have been in contact with the gay running group. I still have not gone. I usually run by myself everyday about 7 miles. Sometimes 10. Its the only thing that makes me happy, but even that can be lonely. Justin
yeah,don't leave your mags outside your apartment if people are going to take them,and why don't you ask the woman if shes read anything by him.I know we can do a lot of things by ourselfs and enjoy it for the mostpart,but sometimes we do get a little lonely doing it by ourselves after a while,so maybe try to find someone to run with you.Not everyone is thinking what you think thier thinking,its best to try to keep that out of your mind.
Don't let yourself get upset by these things, you need to try and get a bit of perspective. It is not because you read regularly that everyone does. It is amazing how many people don't read, not can't read, just don't! If she looked at you amazed it might just be that she is not a reader. I average about 30 books a year, some people can go from one year's end to another without reading a single book! It's true! So if she isn't a reader, she won't know who Greg Louganis is, even if she is a reader, not being lesbien herself, she wouldn't necessarily read that kind of book. I don't mean this in a nasty way and I certainly don't want to upset you but have you mentioned this tendancy you have to take everything everyone says and does as a personal slight against your sexuality. I don't want to use the word paranoid because it is too strong but there are definately issues that your therapist needs to work on with you. I don't really understand why you leave magazines outside your door, maybe someone is picking them up to keep the hall way tidy or, because they are struggling with their own sexuality and don't dare buy the magazines for themselves or, because as you say they are curious or, simply because they think that as you have left them outside you don't want them anymore. See there are any number of possible reasons why people are taking them. I don't think it is odd to sleep with something that gives you comfort, I sleep with a teddy bear coz it's soft and cuddly and I like to. You don't have to have a reason to do things that give you comfort as long as they aren't bad for your health. I don't understand the tenant appreciation breakfast thing, what is this? Why do you feel it is unfair to you? Do you want to PM me? I would like to talk to you about some things... please? :icon_bigg Don't be so hard on yourself, you are making progress, you know it. Look back at how you were 2 or3 years ago. Maybe the progress isn't as fast as you would like but baby steps are fine. You will go to the support group and the running group, I know it. I believe in you
No, the tenant appreciation thing is a thing they do every few months, to make the tenants happy I guess. They give you breakfast(orange juice, donuts, coffee, bagles etc) Food is always nice
I also wanted to post I have a hard time forgiving myself about everything as well. I also think everyone holds a grudge against me, which is not true(although there are people in my family that hold GRUDGES). I am my own worse enemy. The reason my apartment manager and I had it out was she complained my hand writing was not legiable when I paid the rent. I told her off. She was nit picking and I had it. She has gotten on my nerves before. Eveyrthing is on charts anyway. That was 2 months ago. I don't even like writing that I tell people off, because I am afraid people will remind me of my post about when I lost my temper with my mother(as I read this. I have to remind myself. I lost my temper and said some mean things, but I am human) Actually, I have heard people in passing saying what a nice person I am(a few times). I think in someways it is my downfall. I mean it doesn't mean I do not have to stop being a nice person, but sometimes I feel taken advantage of. Paranoid would be a good word for me. I would not disagree. I think the apartment manager I told off a few months ago is hanging on to it. She is not. I am. Actually, I was glad when I told her off. I told my therapist about it and he thought it was good. He said I should of edited myself some. And I agree. But it was one of the few times were I stood up for myself. I do have to work on the paranoia some. Even today I overheard the apartment manager talking and I mistook a "yay" for "gay" I think because I told her off, everything is now going to be about my sexuality. Someone told me once I care too much what I think that I have handicap myself. I care way too much what people think about me in general. Its the truth. I have handicapped myself some. I am on social security and don't have a job. At one point, I was such a mess I had no other choice, now I have a choice. Sometimes its hard to admit. But I lay in my own self-pity too much. I have OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder) and I am gay, but people have breast cancer and work. People have lost children and work. I guess what I am realizing is sometimes you just have to go with it. Not everyday is going to be a good day. I remember when I first came on the board. I mentioned that I said I always act like I am in a good mood when I am not. Joeyconnick mentioned I do not have to be that way. I always think I have to be hapy go lucky Justin. Sometimes I am not. Its okay not to feel that way to. Louise, I remember either in pm or via message you said yu wonder how much all of this would be bothering me if I was in a relationship. I have to wonder. I think I would be happier if I was in meaningful relationship, but its hard to find the right person. What I have realized is some people will always trying to put you down. I have redeveloped a relationship with my dad. He is difficult, but I can't tell you how many people have told me, it will not work out. I have also told me not to get in a relationship, because I am not ready. I can decide when I am ready or not. The reason I have put the magazine out my door was when I hospitalized over 3 years ago. They do a thing called exposure-response. Its suppose to help desensitize yourself to situations. But I think there are other ways to go about being gay other then leaving magazines outside that keep being taken. I didn't even think to bother all the other other reasons the magazines might be taken. It might seem by my post I have huge amounts of baggage. I really do not. I am just open about my feelings and myself. Anyway, most people have baggage. I can tell just how people behave in public. Signed: A-work-in-progress aka Justin
Justin, just let me say I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU! You are making great strides. I have suffered greatly in my life with depression and am often hypersensitive to the reactions of people around me, so I really feel for you and what you are going through. I was a bit worried about saying the word paranoid because I didn't want to push you over the edge but you took it really well and in the sense that it was meant. I am proud of you, everyone has their own levels of sensitivity and you are someone who is particularly sensitive, there is nothing wrong with this as long as you manage to deal with it in a healthy manner and don't let it rule your life. Hey that's great news about you and your dad. Like I said, baby steps, baby steps. You are definately going in the right direction. DON'T LISTEN to negative people about your relationship with your dad. I don't know where they are coming from but he is YOUR dad, you love him, he loves you and the rest well, you can sort it out little by little as you go. You know my story so don't let negative people bring you down. I know it must be hard and you have to make loads of concessions but if he is willing to meet you some of the way it is SOOOO worth it. Even if he is a difficult man, he is still your dad and if you want/need a relationship with him don't listen to anything anyone has got to say. Oh and about self pity, I have an olympic sized pool of self pity that I like to wallow in sometimes so beat that :lol: No seriously, I don't think self pity, although never constructive, is a problem as long as you see it for what it is and give yourself a good talking to from time to time, and don't wallow too long. Having said that it can be very comforting sometimes, but never in a positive way:icon_sad: You know, we all have baggage, some of us have heavier baggage than others and need help to carry it and sometimes we are in a position to carry the baggage of others, don't worry about it. Here this is just for you
I know exactly how you feel. For a long time I suffered from the same thing. I was horribly depressed and always felt like there was something inherently wrong with me and that everyone could see it. What made it so much worse was the fact that everyone would tell me what a wonderful person I was. I genuinely couldn't see what they were seeing that was so great and I just felt like I was failing somehow by not being this great person that everyone thought I was. It got so bad I ended up dropping out of school and cutting myself off from everyone around me. I barely left the house for three years. I eventually worked through most of it, but it was an uphill battle. Like Louise said, it's all about perspective. It takes time to fight off the pain and find a way to stand on your own two feet. Also, just because other people seem to be suffering more than you and still keep it together doesn't mean that you have to also. There are all different kinds of pain and some kinds take longer to deal with than others. Well, anyway, that's my two cents. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk or anything.
